Joe Biden
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“It's about time my readers knew, but "The picture of Dorian Gray" was my personal opinion of this sexy mind-fucked beast”
~ Oscar Wilde on Joe Biden
“In Soviet Russia, verbal gaffes make vice presidents!!”
~ Russian Reversal on Joe Biden
“Alright, who let him out of his cage?”
~ Barack Obama on Joe Biden
“Finally, someone finally is taking office that will actually bail us out!”
~ Amtrak on Joe Biden
Joe —"that old, obscure white guy standing next to that young, popular and infinitely more charismatic (and clean) black guy"—Biden is best known for being the Vice Presidential pick of President Barack "Pronounces Words Correctly" Obama. Obama, aside from being the first openly black president of the United States, is the only reason anyone will ever remember the name: Biden. His wife and children, prior to the 2008 Presidential Election, had frequently mistaken Biden for various pieces of household furniture and would often bring him to the local antique shop and have him appraised. This would later prove particularly embarrassing during an unfortunate appearance on the PBS program Antiques Roadshow.
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[edit] Early Life and Political Career
[edit] First Presidential Campaign and Birth, 1944
Joe "who—the plumber?" Biden was born November 20, 1942, and was one of four children. Joe Biden was allegedly[1] born in Scranton, Pennsylvania, where 99% of all politicians call home. Biden is known for his public gaffes even in childhood, such as the famous incident where he asked FDR if he would "Stand up. Stand up, Frank; let them see ya...Oh shit, you're a God-damned cripple, aren't you?!."
Shortly thereafter, Biden became the first seven-year-old boy ever to run for president. Considered a shoo-in against mad scientist Harry "Kill Them Japs" Truman, Biden was disqualified from the 1948 presidential election due to his being both under 35 years old, and of course, being a frickin' child. Fearful of losing again, Joe Biden vowed to never run again until he was confident that his lack of lack of age, experience and potty training would not play a factor.
[edit] Second Presidential Campaign, 2008
Biden was first elected in 1973 in the State of Delaware. Unfortunately, Delaware is one of the smallest states in the US, third only after Rhode Island and Queen Latifah. As a result, no one can recall having seen or heard of this "Joe Biden" until the 2008 Democratic Presidential Primary. There, he eventually (after three hard-fought hours) lost to two young, inexperienced and non-potty trained opponents.
To add insult to irony, the eventual (after 12 years of campaigning) victor turned out to be Baracka Obama, the younger, less experienced and blacker of the two. Unlike Joe Biden, however, people actually knew his name and he even inspired a religious cult. Members of the cult believed Obama was the son of God, and would often bathe in fresh goat blood during ceremonies known as an "Baracka-brations" In addition, during the general election, John McCain (R-OLD), a Republican much older and experienced than Biden himself, was also defeated. This victory officially made Obama the first Muslim/Mortal Kombat Character to be elected president.
According to various sources, Joe Biden was also part of the 2008 Election Process, though no-one interviewed for this story even knows who or what a "Joe Biden" is. The majority of people surveyed thought he was some sort of new "Starbuck's coffee-drink," while the minority (mostly Bob Barr supporters) believed Joe Biden to be a "common sexual endeavor involving muskrats, anal beads and shaving cream." On a recent episode of Family Feud, however, the survey found "anal beads" to be the #1 answer to the question, "Name something Barack Obama recently revealed at the Democratic National Convention."
[edit] Children
Biden was the father of three children and proud husband to Neilia Hunter. Then God, still angry at Satan for creating "happiness", decided to take (i.e. murder) one of his children as a sort of celestial Social Worker. Realizing that losing a child can be very difficult for a mother, God decided to kill Biden's wife too, allowing him to became a single father of two children...two severely injured and now motherless children. Until then, Biden had always been a mild-mannered "Clark Kent" type of person. Then God murdered his family, turning him into a real-life, God-hating and all around bad mother— SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
Need proof? Here's an actual quote recorded in his memoir shortly after the incident: "I liked to walk around seedy neighborhoods at night when I thought there was a better chance of finding a fight...God had played a horrible trick on me. I'm gonna KILL that son-of-a-bitch (God)! SATAN, IMBUE ME WITH YOUR DEMONIC AURA! I...AM...INVINCIBLE!!" Seriously, that's what he fucking said. Mostly. [[File:File:Example.jpg]]
[edit] Memoir
Biden's first memoir reached the top of the Best-Sellers list. His latest memoir, entitled "Joe Biden: I'm infinitely more intelligent than that more well-known (and more mentally handicapped) Sarah Palin who once had a dream about eating a giant marshmallow, and when she woke up, SHE COULD SEE RUSSIA RIGHT OUT OF HER FUCKING WINDOW!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! I'm resigning!", however, was the worst selling book of any kind ever produced in history. Ever. It even beat out such terrible literature such as Hitler: He's the kind of guy you'd like to have a beer with...then kill nine million people and "Images of Nude Men on Cave Walls: No, those aren't spears!" After the failure of his memoir (which took eight years to complete) and the thirteen made-for-tv movies it spawned, Biden has since retired from the world of literature and has been, according to extremely unreliable and nerdy sources, active in the World of Warcraft community. He is also known to sacrifice several small chickens to the Phoenician god Baal with Asian prostitutes on a regular basis.
[edit] Cheshire cat years
Before entering into politics Biden worked as a feline molester/ cheshire cat, he often relapses into a catlike molestation frenzy when in close proximity to people under 16 years of age, in july 2001 he entered an elementary school in san fransisco whereupon he mauled and molested 23 students aged between 3-15 years of age, other (perhaps less brutal) digressions into catlike behaviour include a creepy and rapist like smile in congress as can be seen in the 2009 State of he union address.
[edit] Biden's Involvment With the Zombie Poptart Cows
In the turn of the 21st century in a small school on the outskirts of York County in Pennsylvania lies a small town of Dover. When the first wave of zombie poptarts took over the town Jake was the only one with hair, so he was the only one to be able to stop the poptarts; but in turn Dylan was able to transform into a super saiyn. After the battle of the Ps3 and the Xbox 360 the poptarts fused their DNA with cows starting Zombie-Cowtarts. Joe Biden was then sent into the small town of Dover to stop the city from destruction. Biden wore his trusty bandana and his duel rocket launchers and willfuly fought hard agaisnt the cowtarts. In the end Obama saw the battle take place in his castle underwater and picked Biden to run with him in the race to be super emporer of the united feaking states.
[edit] Notes
- ↑ Many dispute this claim, since Pennsylvanians have notoriously poor record-keeping skills, as can be demonstrated by their lack of statehood records prior to the 1770s.
