From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Common field jock|
A Jock, a pre-evolution version of the Homo sapien species, is defined by most scientists as Homo jockus (pronounced HO-mo JACK-ass) although some scientists argue whether they are actually more closely related to the common garden moss. Please note that a jock is entirely different from an athlete, and if you're unable to distinguish the two, perhaps you should read the rest of the article. Some jocks, particularly large ones, were well informed. Due to the fact that they have an over exaggerated sense of self worth plus taking too much time thinking how much they would like to have sex with themselves (and spending their free time figuring out how to do this - many believe they will one day find, or make, a way) they are a close relation to the 'douchebag'. Famous ones include David Beckham and Ashley Cole (note, British footballers tend to be the most well known mix of jock and douchebag).
In general, jocks look similar to Homo sexuals, but there's often some tiny hidden details you'd never know about.
Jocks are instantly recognisable by their large torsos, muscle arms, and a face that looks like it suffered several blows from a
nuke sledge hammer during infancy or pregnancy. However, in contrast to this pristine upper physique, their legs are often slightly smaller and disproportionate to the rest of their body. Their skin (in the same way as a chameleon) is coloured to reflect their surroundings, this always takes the form of sporting clothing. This sporting clothing often resembles the clothing the jocks denote their affiliation with, and by doing this, they form 'teams'. The sports clothing is often decorated with random numbers, their 'team name' (usually an animal or a conjugated verb), or the individual jock's surname. If a jock is taken to a place that doesn’t have any sports relation, then they will change skin and die. Physically, they are considered to be (especially by themselves) the peak of human perfection; however in many respects they lack mentally what many normal humans do not.
A typical jock
A typical jock would consist of the following:
- taller than 1.8m (about 6ft. Jocks were metricated long ago when they were measuring all aspects measurable, such as track length, weightlifting weights, body mass etc.)
- penis size as long as 3-5 inches due to their superior genes to procreate and inseminate their females.
- body-muscle percentage > 99% and body-fat percentage < 1%. This figure is crucial, as anything below 99 does not count as a jock.
- wears athletic clothes. Jocks tend to compare their clothing range with their mates. Each jock has his own favorite brand, for example, adidas or Nike. They often fill their wardrobe when they see advertisements informing them about the latest "collection". They usually replace them when they are "worn out", meaning they were rendered useless due to excessive training. A typical time frame would be approximately 2 weeks. They are seen in jock clothes in all occasions, including weddings, meetings and in bed. Jock clothes are often sponsored by a company not relevant to jockism or sport. These sponsors' names appear on their clothing items to disguise their identity.
- speak a dialect. Their dialect is derived from the region of that they live in. The vocabulary in the dialect is significantly altered rendering most natural-language speakers comprehensible.
Jocks from all over the world
Jocks differ from country to country, region to region. Therefore it is important to correctly identify each jock.
America - A jock from America is typically seen wearing sports attire appropriate for basketball or football. A sleeveless shirt and shorts made out of jersey material is a common combination. Also, the jock can wear brands like Ambercrobmie, Holister, American Eagle, Aeropostle or a beach related style, but only to extreme vanity. The clothes must fit tighter on his body and be non-individualistic.
South Africa - Jocks from South Africa tend to be very sporty. They usually walk in groups, and to a lesser extent, drive. South African jocks are typically known for their passion for hockey and rugby. Their favourite food is meat stuffed in a cylindrical shape substrate known as "Boerewors". they are uaually all gay useless wastes of time and should be shot in the fucking faces.
Australia - Australian jocks (Aussies) are known for their sense of humour (or lack there of). They typically train in the Outback (their back garden) and are rarely spotted in urban areas such as Alice Springs. Many of them dye their hair a fake blond and wear boardshorts and a singlet or tight shirt of some sort. Making them look exactly like one another, and showing off their creativity cough cough. The Australian jock is not to be confused with the common douche bag which is a closely related species.
United Kingdom - The typical jock from the UK travels in herds, similar to that of buffalo and elephants, except there are some major differences. The jock herd will not search for water holes or fresh grass, but instead for new shoes, girls/women or to show off their fake tan in conjunction with there muscles of which will always be tensed even if they are not exercising. The main sport followed by the jock from the UK will typically be rugby, but a jock will not play football/soccer because this will make them more of a chav than a jock in many cases.
Source of Food
Jocks tend to consume everything they can fit in their mouths in order to satisfy their need for food. Yes, Homo Sapiens tend to do that too, but that's besides the point.
Typical food substances include:
- protein shakes
- corn flakes
- Pro Nutro
- energy bars
- sports drinks, Energade
- raw meat
- more people
- the neighbor's cat
- sandwich with energy gel
- energy boost pills
- muscle build pills
- semen (however this is often accidental)
The last two examples are typically costly and the amount taken per month is usually regulated by their wallets' capabilities.
Accessories: Jock GearTopGear, the TV programme on BBC)
Along with their visually upsetting attire, jocks are also often associated with their accouterments, also referred to as jock gear. These consist of various apparatus for playing sports, such as a baseball bat, soccer ball, lacrosse mallet, boxing gloves, Spring shoes and that required device for almost all sports, the athletic supporter, or jockstrap. Male homosexuals will do almost anything to obtain some of these items, especially in used condition. They have been known to offer substantial sums of money for these items to athletes, whether professional or amateur. The most prized of these items is, of course, the used jockstrap. Sotheby's Greenwich Village will be hosting their first auction of used Celebrity Jock Gear, featuring items from the personal collection of David Beckham, Joe Montana, and Jason Gould (a football helmet from The Prince of Tides is expected to attract substantial interest).
The following Jock Gear are popular in the jock industry:
- trainers (or, as other jocks define in other regions: sneakers, shoes, tekkies, running shoes)
- shorts (the shorter the better, hence the name)
- t-shirts or football jerseys (jocks tend to dislike torso-covering clothing with collars like a golf shirt)
- a watch that times e.g. a race, game (not necessarily have to tell the time)
- cones (on hockey astroturves)
- long sticks used to hit a spherical object
- spherical objects, with the exception of egg-like objects, namely rugby and American football
- 1 litre (minimum) refillable water bottle filled with energy drinks
- deodorant, to blend in with Homo sapiens
Jocks have generally simplistic behaviour, strangely similar to canines, suggesting that at, perhaps one time, there was an unfortunate mating mishap that spiralled out of control.
Although jocks tend to be dangerous and intimidating, they are, when approaching a Homo sapiens, generally kind, and try to be as gentle to such species with their dry humour adding puns to every sentence in order to communicate with the counterpart species.
- Playing sports of any kind unless it is either cheerleading, dance, or volleyball. Should the jock partake in those sports, he will be cast away from the group, enduring many euphemisms for the word 'homosexual' spoken by his peers.
- Putting a ball in a net, compensating for the jock's uncertain heterosexuality.
- Lifting rocks
- Watching other jocks lift rocks.
- Calling each other gay while lifting rocks.
- Calling each other gay while watching others lift rocks.
- Playing grab ass in the shower.
- Playing competitive grab ass in the shower.
- Playing team grab ass in the shower.
- Playing grab ass while lifting rocks in the shower.
- Playing capture the flag grab ass in the shower.
- Playing team capture the flag grab ass while lifting rocks in the shower.
- Watching other jocks playing grab ass in the shower while lifting rocks.
- Watching other jocks playing grab ass while calling each other gay while lifting rocks in the shower.
- Playing hide the sausage in a French classroom with jock peers.
- Launching themselves off a flight of stairs in a chair with wheels despite the whole common-sense myth.
- Cornering a nerd and making him show them his penis then call him a fag.
- Jocks spend about 70% of their day either watching a sports channel on TV, checking pointless scores on the internet or talking about sports with other jocks. They spend the other 30% of the day sleeping, eating and looking for anything that will have sex with them - self respect never seems to be an issue.
- They love their mustangs,trans-ams and big lifted trucks that go vruuum VRUUUUUUM!!!!!
- Watching sports and you may only get they're attention during the commercials unless the commercial has a girl with big boobs,a truck with big wheels or god forbid a monkey be in the commercial,then your screwed.
- Standing around yelling "CHUG!CHUG!CHUG!CHUG!" while their buddy drinks and it doesn't have to be alcohol for this to happen.
- Making little kids cry.
- Barking at dogs or girls and telling them afterward "Get outta here 'fore I rape you girl".
- Going through 3 bottles of hair gel a week.
- Farting on people.
- Clogging toilets.
- Burping out loud in nice places.
- They love to scare old people and laugh when they have a heart attack.
- Banging shemales.
A jock's diet is quite simple: anything they can fit in their mouth. With intense training, some jocks have been able to use a knife, fork, spoon, and even a ladle in rare cases, to eat food amongst Homo sapiens. They have even been trained so well they were able to finish entire meals without devouring their utensils. It should be noted that jocks will attempt to eat any foreign object, *cough* JOCKS ARE GOATS *cough* whether it be old popcorn on a theatre floor, or ichiban soup made with urine flavouring. They are much more likely to eat something you 'dare' them, and doubly so if you 'double dare' them.
Liquids are generally the same deal as solids: eat it first, attempt to ask questions later. However, strangely enough, jocks have seem to taken a liking to water, and Gatorade, referred to them as '[colour] water', replacing the colour tag with blue to signify they want Fierce Wild Berry, red for Fruit Punch, etc. After a jock is finished consumption of whatever it chooses to eat, its body will attempt to vomit up whatever just entered its stomach. This is technically good because most things jocks attempt eat (everything) are considered to be toxic. However, because the brain is incapable of ordering the body to do such a thing amidst all the other complicated activities, the jock will generally just emit a loud belch, causing laughter amongst its peers.
For snacks about the day, jocks will attempt to chew (often due to peer pressure) anything, ranging from bark, to semen from anything that makes semen, tobacco, keyboards, to pencils or any other common school supply.
It must be noted to all Homo sapiens reading this article that the above mentioned food substances (if at all considered food) are mostly toxic and can cause temporary and to a lesser degree, permanent damage to the body as Homo sapiens do not necessarily possess the required enzymes to digest them.
Most jocks tend to have very little means of communication, so they rely on basic instinct, which can involve banging hockey sticks against the floor in a form of primitive morse code, or touching each other to signify their feelings. When confronted and confused, a jock will result to threatening to hurt another of its kin, or once again spouting off its wide range of homosexual euphemisms. Jocks are surprisingly capable of writing, though its incredibly difficult to read without special training. This is due to the problem that they even misspell words they have been around their entire lives (spelling 'hockey' as 'hochey', etc). However, because they are able to communicate a thought successfully, it is good enough for them, and they chase the issue no further. Another method of jock communication involves ridiculous hand movements similar to that of a speech by Hitler. God knows what they're trying to convey, but scientists unanimously agree it has something to do with sodomy.
Jocks are only considered to be male, and any jock claiming to be any other gender is likely a mutant, commonly referred to as a dyke, or a lesbian. The last is fair enough, the second is voluntary, and the third only happens after you've watched X Men - hey, we've all been there. However the number of females who never think about anything except sports is rapidly increasing to a sky-high rate (see female jocks more more info.) The jock's species only hope for survival is to find any compatible female for it to mate with, which only come in the form of cheerleaders and preps. However, it should be noted jocks often attempt to mate with each other, and thankfully, to no avail. Strangely enough, should a jock fail to mate with a cheerleader, or vice versa, they will be expelled from the flock, shed their natural chameleon skin, and effectively, and phenomenally, becoming a smarter person. It should be noted that while this change is reversible, once it happens, a jock can become indistinguishable from a homo sapien.
The 'jock egg' is a-priori and is taken with the jock everywhere they go. they come in many different shapes and sizes, and are painted differently according to the occasion, for example; some round jock eggs are painted as baseballs, other more 'flat-shaped' eggs are used at hockey occasions. Jock eggs are not created by mating but are presumed to have simply been in existence since the creation of the universe. The faggot nigger shit fuck fuck you fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck faggot ass bitch nigger piece of shit beaner gook zipper head jock eggs are the rarest form of jock egg and were abandoned here on earth by an alien species who deemed the eggs 'too dangerous' after the jocks had a redemption against slavery on their planet. They are stored deep within a primitive cave somewhere deep within the earth. the eggs laid dorment in until 1572 when Pope John Jock the 2nd accidentally awakened one in an seemingly harmless sporting event. Unfortunately the match was far too dangerous and quickly escalated to 'OMFG a jock!!! RUN!!' status. The same thing happens today in common sporting events which are actually ritual attempts to awaken a jock egg. This is why receiving the game 'ball' is such an honour among jocks. Jocks compete with eachother to see who is most suitable to father the jock-spawn-to-be. They do this by means of sporting events in which many candidate fathers participate in hope that they may one day earn the rights to have their very own jock. It is regarded as a high honour. Often they best way to prove ones eligibility for this prestigious award is to see who can throw the egg the farthest, kick the hardest and shout the most gibberish. This explains a lot of the onground behaviour of jocks, violence is simply means for eliminating potential father competition and to increase their own chances to get the egg for themselves.
There is only one way to destroy a jock egg. In order for a jock egg to be destroyed it must be thrown into the fires of Mount Doom. Only one being has ever succeeded in doing in this.
Jock Field Guide
Jocks are generally similar to homosapiens, and can therefore be a problem to identify and deal with. As such, this guide provides quick tips on how to detect, handle, or capture a jock.
How to Detect a Jock
Jocks are generally simplistic creatures in nature, but without a careful eye, are indistinguishable from a homo sapien. Here's a few tips on how to recognize a jock:
- Jocks vocabulary consists of a few words, however, recent studies suggest they are capable of learning several dozen words over a period of a few years. However, should you witness a person (if you consider jocks to be 'people', many do not) using the words homo, fag, queer, gay, suck, or blow more than five times within a minute, chances are the speaker is a jock. There have been several accounts suggesting jocks have used words such as 'vendetta' or 'ogre', but many scientists refute this, due to little evidence showing they're capable of multisyllabic or complex words.
- Jocks love to exercise. There is no reasonable explanation for this behavior, outside of that it is part of their simplistic nature.
- Jocks have a natural (for their species, anyways) obsession with automobiles. Scientists are still deciding on the reason why. The most popular theory is that Jock's are mesmerized by the way Automobile's glide across asphalt. Perhaps the spinning wheels seem to cause a strange attraction. Nevertheless, if you find someone who talks about cars an awful lot, you may have a jock. Be careful though, as this trait is also very apparent in rednecks.
- Jocks, while in their high school stage, tend to be very popular amongst their equally cretinous peers. However, upon growing up, they tend to make a living working at grocery stores,or begging on the streets, where nobody will make eye contact with them. Should you be tempted to do so, it is recommended you resist these urges, lest you possibly engage in a conversation with him, which is one of the most physically and mentally daunting tasks.
- Jocks tend to walk like they're suffering a severe kidney, bladder, spleen, or liver injury, or as if they've got an object crammed onto their rectal shelf (not an uncommon case). This generally can be described as if they've got a limp... in both legs, and every step is a horrible experience filled with trauma, but they can pull through, thanks to their incredible muscles. Scientists think this is just for attention, or they really do have something stuck on their rectal shelf.
- This species is particularly well known for ridiculous hand movements similar to a bird flapping its wings. While this is also common among homosexuals, be aware if you witness this behavior.
How to Handle an Encounter with a Jock
Should you ever encounter a jock, which is easily done by attending public high school, and enrolling into Physical Education, here is a quick guide on how to handle the situation.
- Don't panic.
- Attempt to subdue the jock by attracting its attention towards a desired object, a football, for example, if you're in a football field. This may backfire and make the jock angry at you if you use the wrong item at the wrong place. For example, a basketball at a soccer field.
- Play soothing music, if at all possible. Soothing music, to a jock's malformed ear, due to genetic mutation, generally can range from Korn to rap. Often classical does work a treat, or maybe just take your chances and run forward with a needle. There's no need for anything to be in it - thank God the placebo effect works on jocks. As such, any music appreciated by pretentious oldies rock fans or lovers of automobiles should work to subdue the beast. Any bands with complex notes, rhythm, etc (Raffi and anything above) may anger the jock.
- Cookies with sedatives added in. Jocks love to eat and/or attempt to eat anything that will fit in their gaping maw. They will easily accept a cookie with a sedative added in. An old wives tale, with some credit to it, perhaps, says jocks will even drink lemonade with urine mixed in, and not even notice.
- Speak simply and slowly. Jocks can't quite comprehend anything after a grade two level of thinking, so be sure to use short, concise words to get the point across. Adding in any homosexual euphemisms the jock is aware of may confuse them into thinking you too, are a jock. Remember, once again, use small words. They are much more likely to understand "fag" as opposed to "sodomite".
How to Capture a Jock
Capturing a jock is a delicate subject. Few books have been written on the subject, because there is no profit to made because all purchasers of said books are committed, hung and quartered, or imprisoned in a sewer. [However, jock hunting is a lucrative business, both because they are ideal slave labourers and because their meat is nutritious and good to eat] Therefore, the point of this little guide is to let those select few individuals who'd want to catch a jock learn how to catch a jock, without anyone seeing them do it, it being the learning process, not the actual capture of the jock, which can only be done in public.
This process involves several steps which are dangerously easy to accomplish.
1. Set the bait. This is really easy. Just tell the jock you intend to capture at there is football/basketball/soccer/hockey/wrestling/swimming/track meet/etc practice in an area in which the jock knows, and where there are an abundance of nets. Several examples include a gymnasium, or a rink, or possibly a beach. Maybe a field, but most nets are bolted down into the ground, so this is counterproductive to our purpose.
A gymnasium is your best bet, where nets are easily moved, and very abundant.
2. Tell the jock to play defense, or better yet, goal. This may be difficult. You see, most jocks have a sort of chemical in their brain called an endolphin, that releases and triggers and intense desire to be on offense, where they will put the ball in the net/hoop/other players court. However, the endolphins are easily counteracted with the follow.
- Steroid use, or
- Telling the jock that being in goal and or defense makes them the vital aspect of the team and everybody depends of them.
- A combination of 1 and 2.
If all else fails, tell them cheerleaders love to fuck goalies and or defense men.
3. Once the jock has entered the area of the mobile net, and is in the general goalie position common to most sports played by jocks, perform step four.
4. Flip the net over.
5. Push the open part of the net against a wall.
The Grand Unified Jock Evolutionary Theory
Jocks are complex creatures. Well, in regard to cells and cell processes and circulatory systems and organs and whatnot, they are. In regards to behavior mentioned above, no, not so much. Regardless, they have evolved in a somewhat different manner than homosapiens, and due to the whole Darwin thing involving adapting to different environments and whatnots, we got Homo Jockus. This section, The Grand Unified Jock Evolutionary Theory, is dedicated to showing the mistakes evolution made and why we should laugh at them.
It has been proven via science, complete with a scientific method filled with hypotheses and conclusions and observations and whatnot all neatly in order and hung up in the locker of an angry teenager in grade 10, that jocks do, in fact, have selective hearing.
The idea goes something like this: jocks evolved in a different area than normal people. Scientists found relatively well preserved jock skeletons in a cave with primitive lines painted on the floor in several different types of blood (A, B, AB, O) resembling lines found in a gymnasium. Said jock skeletons are complete with large pools of blood around them, suggesting the jocks unknowingly used their own blood to paint lines on a primitive gymnasium floor, presumably for sports, and proceeded to die of blood loss. And while these jocks were not so lucky, we can assume other jocks also lived in these primitive sports facilities, and did play sports, while not all suffering from blood loss. Growing up in a gymnasium through hundred, nay, thousands, of years does encourage small changes over the years. One, being the title of this subsection, and if you've forgotten it, it is Selective Hearing. You see, jocks would constantly be told of their homosexuality by fellow jocks, be subject to insults, teasing, taunting, and sodomy, though the latter is unrelated, and over thousands of years, they grew to try to ignore it as to preserve their egos. They still can, but it must be said many times loudly, slowly, and in much succession. Therefore, jocks can only hear compliments. This is easily tested. For example, if you're in French class accompanied by a beautiful girl who comes up with this theory, and there is a jock in range, which is unlikely in a French class, test a conversation like this:
- You: [Jock] is a faggot.
- You [Louder]: [Jock] is a faggot.
- You [Louder]: [Jock] is a faggot.
- You [Louder]: [Jock] is a faggot.
Pause a few moments and allow yourself a couple of giggles, maybe outright maniacal laughter if you feel you've earned it. Then, say this:
- You: [Jock] is a good at [sport].
This will involve the jock swiveling his head and uttering a grunt that will rhyme with 'duh' (huh, buh, uh, whuh, etc). This test has been proven to work again and again, and scientists often cite it as evidence for evolution.
A recent autopsy on a deceased jock, who, according the autopsy, died of an incident involving hockey sticks, rocks, and grabass in the shower, revealed some very interesting information regarding jock anatomy. In order to dislodge the hockey stick, surgeons had to open the cranium, and much to their surprise, what they found was not a brain. It was a malformed liver, similar to the poetry writing Vogons. Apparently, all of a jocks 'neural' activity is conducted by a relatively useless and incapable chunk of flesh, which explains quite a bit. Surprised by this discovery, the doctors pursued it further: in the name of medical science, they tore apart the jock's body, attempting to find something new, and boy, did they. Within the jock's testicles, as opposed to human sperm production, they found something much more interesting: a biological equivalent of a shaved ice machine. Another unique attribute is that jock's even have advanced eyes, though most evolutionists refuse to speak of this: a jock is quite capable of seeing in the dark. Why this is necessary at all was not understood until it occurred to someone that sometimes naked men run around in the dark, and being able to see this is crucial to a jock's sexual survival. Darwin refuses to comment.
When the surgeons opened the stomach, they found two beer cans and a bar of soap.