Jobcentre Plus

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Nonjobseecus Scroungus

A 'jobseeker' at a Jobcentre Plus.

“I hate that bloody place”
~ Barry from EastEnders on Jobcentre Plus
“Wot iz a job blud?”
~ Unemployed People on the disdainful gazes of onlookers

Jobcentre Plus (JCP) is a sect of the Department of Work and Pensions (DWP) cult. Originally instituted to help the poor and the needy, now it just serves the purposes of the underclass. A Jobcentre Plus can be located in any town by following the subtle stench of marijuana mixed with Stella Artois and piss-soaked trousers.

edit What is Jobcentre Plus?

Jobcentre Plus is technically described as a 'taxpayer-funded free money giveaway.' It exists to support the concept of freewill, which holds that those who chose to watch television programs such as Jeremy Kyle and Bargain Hunt are unable to conform to standard 9am-5pm, 5 days a week employment. Some of these are incapable of any variety of work, and in some cases anything else. It is also thought that without the Jobcentre Plus all chavs would starve to death. Some have argued that this is the correct ethical choice. Frequently, chavs tend to refer to their handout as "being paid" or "my money" without having actually done anything of any value to earn it; and indeed, carrying shopping bags 20 feet from the store to a subsidised taxi does not count.

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Jobcentre Plus.

At Jobcentre Plus there are numerous ‘jobpoints’, which are very big and clumsy jobsearching computers that at one point all served in the robot armies of Prince Phillip. At these points, 'jobseekers' can peruse what they think are genuine job vacancies, but unbeknown to them the jobs are merely fictional, made up by Jobcentre Plus staff to check if the scroungers jobseekers are actually seeking employment. Often most people do not realise it is the same telephone number which is provided for each job. However, if the jobpoints aren't inadequate at making members public feel stupid then there are advisors on standby, ready and willing to make the public feel like the worthless human refuse they are. Jobcentre Plus are also considering a suggestion from their employees to install euthanasia booths, for both staff and members of the public. However, one proposal is that the euthanasia booth will become mandatory for all those who fail to attend their sign on interview more than 2 consecutive times.

Thanks to the initiative of redistributing the taxes of those who work to those who refuse to work other industries have grown; normally ‘the poor’ would starve to death or resort to having babies, not for Child Tax Credits as is the case nowadays, but for sustenance. A child + placenta + afterbirth could feed a family of 4 for 1½ months if butchered properly. This means they now have disposable income, so the two main industries that have grown around this culture of free money for the underclass is Wetherspoons and the Drug Trade, the former being the most evil of the two.

Jobcentre Plus is mainly run by middle-aged women, but they have rights now, so bless their cotton socks. At least they're trying and have fun pretending to work as well as men. Most men at Jobcentre Plus have 32% higher estrogen levels than most women.

edit History

Early JCP

A reconstruction of an early Yobbecaestre, before chavs were invented to loiter around the front.

The name ‘Jobcentre Plus’ evolved from the Middle EnglishYobbecaestre’. Much Mystery surrounds the Jobcentre Plus organisation and it’s origins, and many have been brought up with the myths and legends that the Jobcentre was an Anglo Saxon institution, where communities helped each other survive during the hard times by financially assisting each other. However, when William the f*cking Bastard and Duke of Normandy saw Yobbecaestre he was jealous. It was much more advanced than feudalism and the ‘oppression’ he willingly used so frequently in his own lands. But he was not the only one who coveted this institution. Harald Hardradaradada of Sweden was also eyeing the organisation for himself, as he was refused Jobseeker’s Allowance, or as it was known then Yobbecaestre Geld, in 1063 during a stint of unemployment on a working holiday in Cumbria, and wished to make sweeping reforms.

William the Fcking Bastard

The Bayeux Tapestry, depicting William the F*cking Bastard being inaugurated as Ciefe Egseccutyf of the Yobbecaestre

After the year of 1066, when Harald Hardradaradada had failed to defeat a combined force of the feared Anglo Saxon fyrd and Chelsea football club (at the home stadium of Stamford Bridge), and after the fateful Battle of Hastings where certain French tossers took England, William set himself up as Ciefe Egseccutyf of tha Yobbecaestre. He helped introduce the use of acronyms, mountains of paperwork and bureaucracy. After he believed he had perfected the system, he took it from England and introduced it to his homeland. This gave rise to Robin Hood, who robbed the money from the greedy Froggy bastards and redistributed it to the Polish, who by this point had entirely taken over England.

Yobbecaestre did not return to England until the late 1300s when the Hundred or so Years War began…approximately. However, once it was recaptured from the French it was never quite the same again. It had become a petty minded, pen pushing and generally useless organisation, traditions that to this day are amazingly still upheld, and an unbroken lineage can be traced back to this glorious episode of our past. It was this period in history that inspired to the popular Television Soap Series Jobcentre Plus: The French Years.

During the English Reformation the Jobcentre had to go into hiding, because it gave money to Catholics. In 1532 the last team of Jobcentre Plus staff was sent to the Tower of London for a crime they did not commit by a civil court. These men and women promptly escaped from the dungeons at London Tower to the Basingstoke underground. Still wanted by The King's men, they survived as advisors of fortune. If you had a problem, or were finding getting to grips with the bureaucratic nature of the DWP infrastructure difficult, and no one else would help you, and maybe if you could find them, you could hire….the J(cp)-team. After religious tensions had died down it was able to re-emerge. However, it was decreed that all pygmys were unable to claim benefits and thusly died out from England, although small bands of pygmys can be found in the Western Isles of Scotland and Great Yarmouth. Since this time though Jobcentre Plus was able to flourish, and to this day still rules England and the other less significant countries of the British Isles with and iron fist.

edit The Recession

Since the recession epidemic spread to Britain after being carried here by a swarm of disease-ridden pigeons, the clientele of the Jobcentre has dramatically altered. Jobcentre Plus advisors are now faced with a difficult situation, in that they are now advising people who want to work. These strange creatures (Jobseecus Genuinus) can be very easily distinguished from their distant cousin species (Nonjobseecus Scroungus); before 09:00am when Jobcentre Plus opens the castle gates they Jobseecus Genuinus can be seen skulking within eyeshot of the building, but not standing anywhere near the Nonjobseecus Scroungus near the front of the building. The can also be seen not socialising with their entire family and/or friends in the Jobcentre, nor be seen hanging around in town centre creating a nuisance. Never has this rare and special creature, the Jobseecus Genuinus been sighted in a Jobcentre since the 1980s. This has caused some confusion with the advisors at Jobcentre Plus; the public and the advisors alike recognised and acknowledge the mutual loathing and disdain for each other, but were content in the knowledge that neither party had done or will do any of what is required of them. The recession has also forced members of staff to work, which has caused poor morale and a huge culture shock that has rung through the DWP.

Personal tools
projects