Jizzlam

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
“This is the true reason god put us on this earth...to coat it in a sticky white substance”
~ Conjizzys on Jizzlam
“Finally, a religion that encourages masturbation!”
~ Learned men on Jizzlam
“Deeply offensive and going against everything that I believe in”
~ Celibates on Jizzlam
“The work of the Devil - repent while you still can!”
~ Christians on Jizzlam
“Fuck off”
~ Jizzlamists on Christians
“I'm extremely pious..........”
~ Oscar Wilde on Jizzlam


Jizzlam is like all other religions, except that it approves of masturbations. Many Christians have been offended by it, because apparently wanking causes blindness and hairy palms, and that jizzlam does not burn witches at stakes.

edit History

Jizzlam was founded sometime in the 1800s by an American wanker called Tobias Jizz who had a particular propensity for masturbation. During his lifetime Tobias broke numerous masturbation-related records including longest solo individual right-handed traditional wank (3 months 7 days), shortest solo individual two-handed crouching "rocking horse" wank (43 seconds - from flaccid), traditional standing high wank (2.4 vertical metres) and the famous freestyle most semen produced in one hour challenge (3 litres and 2 pint glasses). At the age of 24, Tobias proclaimed that masturbation was brilliant and everyone should do it as often as possible. Though initially heckled and occasionally beaten with wooden dildos, Tobias managed to recruit a surprisingly large number of people to attend his numerous "mediturbation" sessions, in which hundreds of people would sit around in a large hall and masturbate in silence (or a close approximation thereof - the occasional grunt or whinny was permitted) for hours on end.

Tragically, at the age of 28 Tobias Jizz died whilst attempting to complete the infamous fill a bathtub with semen challenge. In a rare moment of slightly disturbing stupidity, he had laid in the bath in order to fill it from the bottom up, and after 3 hours of furious and productive activity, drowned in his own masterpiece. His legacy would live on, however, in the form of Jizzlam.


edit Modern Day Jizzlam

Today Jizzlam is estimated at having something like 14 billion followers, which interestingly enough is around twice as many people as there are alive in the entire world. Most Jizzlamists are men, however women are an integral part of the faith and it would not exist without them. However, Jizzlam demands that women take naked pictures of themselves and timestamp them and post them online. It may look like women are oppressed in Jizzlam, but in reality they are truly liberated.

Unusually for a religion, Jizzlam does not specifically condemn any other religion as long as it does not specifically condemn Jizzlam (which most if not all of them do; e.g. in Christianity, Palms 12:3 reads "Those who grip their fleshsticks as if they were writhing snakes and pull at them until they can see nothing but a tunnel of light are of the Devil's hairy, cum-stiffened hand and should preferably be set alight in the name of God."). Modern science does not conflict with the principles of Jizzlam and in fact many scientists are fundamentalist Jizzlamists (see below).

edit Principles and Practices

Jizzlam is based on three fundamental principles by which all of its followers must strive to live:

  • Masturbation is the road, the truth and the light
  • Go and masturbate right now
  • Soreness is an indication of NOT ENOUGH MASTURBATION

Fundamentalist Jizzlamists will personally self-check that they adhering to these principles typically every few minutes. Most Jizzlamists will mentally recite the principles to themselves at least once a day, or otherwise conform to them unknowingly out of force of habit.

Mass mediturbation sessions were abolished by the state as part of the Data Protection Act, but smaller groups of followers (usually around 5 or 6) still insist on meeting in private and splattering each other with their various love juices. These sessions tend to become less frequent as the group of people get to know each other better and start to get embarrassed, which is a caution / critical level emotion according to Jizzlam as it can inhibit the flow of jizz.


edit Worship

The temple of Jizzlam is your bedroom. The altar of Jizzlam is your bed. Worship is easy but can take many years to master.

Beginners / the newly baptised will typically adopt the traditional worship position of laying on their back with their legs apart and trousers / pyjamas / skirt / kilt / thong around their ankles and jack off furiously for an average of 10 to 20 minutes, after which they usually get tired or impatient and deliberately or involuntarily spill the beans. This is perfectly acceptable worship as long as jizz is produced, which it often is.

Intermediate worshippers may opt for a more adventurous method of jizz presentation, such as public masturbation (extra points if people notice you but no points if you get arrested for indecent expose and lose your erection as a result), gymnastic masturbation (e.g. balancing on your head with your back against a wall for support and aiming for the roof of your mouth), record breaking (see History, above) or mutual worship with a loved one. These techniques invariably produce more jizz than beginners' activities and so are more encouraged.

Advanced worshippers are often killed within the first few days of gaining the status of advanced worshipper. This is not uncommonly due to any number of cock-related injuries, including wanker's twist (a violent hand spasm at the moment of ejaculation with which the cock is twisted free of its moorings), ingrowing cock syndrome (ICS, otherwise known as "the Bends") (in states of such profound arousal, the cock can bend back on itself and pierce the lower abdomen irrevocably) and the dreaded body-drain ejaculation in which the entire contents of your body is accidentally expelled during ejaculation.

edit Living by the Jizzlamic Code

If you follow these helpful tips then you'll be well on the way to becoming a true Jizzlamist.


DO:


  • Remember the three fundamental principles, repeatedly, every day
  • Admit that the only way to heaven is through Tobias Jizz and masturbation.
  • Look at(not read)the Jizzlamist holy book, the Biejizz.
  • Actively spread the word of Jizzlam to your fellow man
  • Masturbate
  • Think about masturbation
  • Masturbate while thinking about masturbation
  • Produce AS MUCH JIZZ as you are PHYSICALLY ABLE TO
  • Ask your friends and family to help you produce jizz
  • Help your friends and family to produce their jizz
  • Award yourself (e.g. with golden stars and/or crescents) when you successfully jizz
  • Keep a meticulous record of how much jizz you've created
  • Tell people about how much jizz you've created
  • Did I already say masturbate?
  • Bottle your jizz up and use it as a source of arousal
  • Drink your own or other people's jizz if you get the chance (tasty)
  • Play jizz-related practical jokes on friends (e.g. fill a milk bottle and put it in their fridge/cereal)
  • Masturbate RIGHT NOW.


DO NOT:

  • Waste your sperm at a sperm bank
  • Jack off in the shower - all that precious jizz down the drain SHAME ON YOU
  • Stop masturbating before climax. There is NO POINT in a dry wank
  • Stop masturbating because you're sore. It's like a stitch, you've got to work it out
  • Do anything that doesn't directly result in the production of jizz (wherever possible)
  • Go more than 24 hours without masturbation (this is scientifically proven to be the equivalent of starving yourself for 3 weeks)
  • Replace masturbation with sex. Sex is all well and good but the jizz is typically wasted one way or another
  • Believe anyone that tells you that masturbation is wrong. Preferably hit them, repeatedly, and jizz on them....many times
  • Feel ashamed of what you are. Shame is a classic jizz inhibitor.
  • Overuse pornography. Your production of jizz should not be dependent on visual stimulation
  • Jizz and drive
  • Attempt to fill unrealistically large objects (e.g. swimming pools, oceans) with jizz. Know your limits
  • Use socks or other assorted instruments to aid in the process, because, the same as sex, the jizz is wasted one way or another

edit See Also

Personal tools
projects