Jimmy Page
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Jimmy Page  Jimmy enjoys playing electric guitar in the shower; according to him, it adds "that extra spark". | ||||||||||||||||
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“We did 3 world tours, 2 albums, plus the movie blow up, and all we got paid was 15 pence each!”
~ Jimmy Page complaining to new Yardbirds manager Peter Grant about Simon N. Bell
“Fucking hell. My goodness gracious, what a funny chap!”
~ Jimmy Page in The Yardbirds after Jeff Beck made Keith Relf smash a harmonica
“The HOLY GHOST!”
~ Jimmy Page replies to reporter's question, "of the 3 guitar gods are you the Father, the Son, or the Holy Ghost?"
“The Walrus was Paul??! What the hell? I was sure the walrus was Mick...Micks in The Beatles, right?”
~ Jimmy Page when told about the Walrus
“Did he just Call me FAT?”
~ The Walrus
“The Zeppelin's gonna fly man. It's never gonna go down.”
~ Jimmy Page on drugs
Jimmy Page is always considered the second best guitarist because Jimi Hendrix was always considered the best guitarist, it is believed that Jimmy Page was jealous of Hendrix and so he murdered Jimi, forced pills down his throat while Jimi was drinking, which he did every night. Jimmy Page has denied this claim, and told the authority's it was his evil twin Brother Timmy Page. Page frequently fights Oprah, and often loses, becuase he can't fight with his ego in the way. He and David Cuberdale were to work together, but the most reknowned team of scientist ever, including eragon, harry dresden and cartman decided they would not because the massive gravitational field created by their egos would eventually suck the world into a blackhole. 
. James "Jimmy" Page "Pagey": orgasm. CORRECTION, I, the young fucking retard who wrote this article in fact, suck ass at life. Jimmy Page dominated the guitar in such an extremely creative manner that I cannot comprehend it. Thank you.
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[edit] Jimmy's Stairway
Jimmy Page,a native to Val Halla,has already bought his Stairway to Heaven and urges you to buy yours now! FUCK YOU
announced by Billy Maze
new stainless steel stairway to heaven. (guaranteed to last a life time)now available in 3 fashionable colors blood red, puke green, shit your paints brown, and camo blue. only $19.99 get yours now or be forced down the highway to hell
[edit] Early History
After Stalin's death, Russian Scientists pursued many efforts to resurrect their infamous leader, finally they decided to clone a new leader from fragments of his DNA. Due to copyright laws, portions of his clone originated in the cells of Genghis Khan. Several wars have been waged over this controversy. Most of them were in Peter Grant's basement.
When the Reds decided that they no longer needed a semi-copy of Stalin to become the world's leading superpower, they sent the newborn Page to Scotland to be raised by Ashenaski Jews. Not aware of his origins, talent, or health problems, Page's adoptive parents would often lock him in a closet for 20+ hours an day. It was at the age of 3 that he began to play guitar, when he created one by fashioning a neck out of a broom stick, body from a dictionary and strings from different gauges of electrical wire found inside his closet home.
Jimmy suffered from many health problems, severe and minor, such as whooping cough, cholera, death, premature birth, fratricide, infanticide, suicide, genocide, fleas (during solo work), typhoid and eczema. To make matters (and social problems) worse for the young boy, he could hardly see. Jimmy was so frightened of the ophthalmologist's office that his parents could not bring him within 500 meters of the pediatrician's, which caused even more problems as his school was located exactly 499 meters distant from the building. Jimmy took his discomfort out (violently) on kindergarten girls. He was well-read and practiced in the Kama-Sutra by age 12.
During his teen age years, Jimmy Page shat himself and also enjoyed performing Satanic rituals, such as burning a dove whilst drinking blood from a cow that had been immobile in salt for 666 days and 666 nights. Such a conjuration, Jimmy assures us, should be undertaken whilst talking to close friends - backwards. Frequent practicing of these rituals has made Page an avid summoner of demons. He claims he has 10 to 12 "major badasses" on speed dial in case of emergency.
[edit] His Musical Career
Jimmy Page founded Led Zeppelin upon meeting human/fern hybrid Robert Plant and ill-fated original bassist John Paul Jones.At the time Page was playing with his somewhat successful band, "The Yardbirds", but dissolved the rockabilly/gospel trio when lead singer Steve Smith tragically died choking on a Furby.
Page found Plant buried in a flowerbed in his backyard while doing some gardening, and he had already begun to germinate when the two began discussing music and fucking. He hired Plant(who was starting to bud again) to be his lead singer/chef, and later Plant's close friend, John Bonham, to drum and keep Plant well watered. Led Zeppelin achieved mainstream success relatively quickly and Jimmy rested comfortably on his laurels (and in his sprawling mansion, formerly owned by such notorious figures as Aleister Crowley and Satan).
Page's career with Led Zeppelin came to a screeching halt in 1980 when John Bonham, at his home in Industrial New Jersey, plummeted from a third story window onto the pavement below. Bonham was not killed, but both of his wrists were broken in the accident and his doctor (who was also his wife) forbade him to ever drum again. Without his star drummer, Page knew that the Led Zeppelin would actually fly, and the band unanimously dissolved.
After Led Zeppelin disbanded, he went on to an extremely successful career as gangster rapper and a member of G Unit.Then became a gay pornstar.
[edit] Personal life
Jimmy is in love with a young girl in South Carolina. Page reportedly loves shaved koalas, but is averse to any physical contact with them. He has few distinct hobbies, such as walking, eating, collecting green M&Ms, eating orange peels, moonwalking in church, beating on the church priest, beating on the Virgin Mary statue at the entrance of his church, baking Satan cookies, baking Aleister Crowley cookies, baking Kevin cookies, becoming a heroin addict because he wanted to become spiritually closer to Aleister Crowley, and stealing the boxes of "charity" at the fast food restaurant counters. Page's father owns 7 black slaves, 2 Puerto Rican slaves, Eric Clapton and Ginger Baker.
He has three children, Steve Martin, that guy from Wolfmother and Mr Pringle
[edit] Producer
Its well known that Jimmy Page produces a lot of shit, namely porn , everything. Movies, Cars, Guns, Wars, Government, Music, Internet, Sand, Mahogany, Dirt, Water, Trees, Grass, Ships, Wind, Traffic, People, Banjos, Kittens, Testicles and Food are just some of the areas of Interest to Page. To list everything he has produced would be somewhat impossible. He is an Investor with an true interest.
[edit] Useful Information
- Jimmy Page, did in fact, forcefully make the rest of Led Zepplin purposely backmask a message from Satan into "Stairway from Heaven" because Satan threatened to buttfuck Jimmy if he did not.
- Jimmy Page lives on an island in the Atlantic Ocean with his wife, Emily, who happens to be the daughter of Thor.
- Jimmy Page has the ability to control Chuck Norris with his guitar solos.
- Jimmy Page is an accomplished emo kid slayer and goth kid beater.
- Jimmy Page enjoys long walks on a star-lit beach and then fucking you into the ground after you accept a nice, firm grab of the buttocks.
- Jimmy Page received a letter from Trey Anastasio in 1985 telling him that Trey's band would be better than his band.
- Jimmy Page gave birth to his first guitar in -1 AD, the day before he shot Jesus for being his brother-in-law and being mean to his good friend Satan.
- Jimmy Page is not a pickle. (Or is He?)
- Jimmy Page has thrice committed suicide.
- Jimmy Page has a Smith and Wesson revolver that shoots rounds filled with white heroin.
- Shortly before his birth, Jimmy bought the Loch Ness Monster from his "good friend" Kevin, for tax evasion purposes.
- He can do 'this' with his fingers.
- Jimmy Page is actually Jesus' brother-in-law, and God's favorite son-in-law by far, even more than Eric Clapton.
- If a man fantasizes about Jimmy Page, he is not necessarily gay according to a Stanford study done in late 2005.
- Parliament signed a contract saying that Jimmy may beat the crap out of George Harrison for two hours once a day.
- He beat down a cop with his Mel Gibson guitar when the cop pulled him over to the side of the road for an autograph.
- Jimmy Page once masturbated on the set of Access Hollywood and blew his load right when Pat O'Brien bent down to pick up his moustache and a naked mole rat. O'Brien's nose was indeed the victim and now O'Brien cannot breathe out of his nasal cavity. If you look closely, you can see a small fetus growing in his left nostril.
- Jimmy's riffs were so insane that it was later revealed to be the cause of death of drummer John Bonham. Apparently, they blew his mind. Literally.
- Jimmy Page explained to SpongeBob about sexual intercourse. According to James Dobson of Focus on the Family, the traumatic experience turned Mr. Squarepants gay. He and Kevin now live in a Pineapple and are currently creating a spin-off series named Friends.
- Page holds dual citizenship in England and Oz
- Page is currently an assassin for the British Government, and occasionally murders those emo bands known by their codenames as "My Chemical Romance", whose lead singer was brutally murdered by Page using a toothbrush and a computer chair. Muse were influenced by this by writing the songs "Assassin" and "Feeling Good", which was a comment immediately spoken by Matt Bellamy after the incident.
- Page is allergic to Broken Glass, really bad music and Enter Shikari. The mix of bad music immediately led him to writing classics such as Sick Again and Black Dog, which he went back in time to write 30 years earlier.
- Jimmy knows how you feel about Coverdale/Page, and he doesn't care.
- Jimmy Page once took a shit in a ferret's mouth and inserted it into a groupie's ass. After this happening, the groupie shat out the ferret, sneezed, burped, farted, pissed, yelled, "PAY ME PAGE!!!!", and gave birth to three disgusting and grotesque ferret/human/shit triplets. These triplets grew up to form the band Hanson and had a hit single on the radio entitled, Rrrrrgghhhfffffffggghhrrrr
- Jimmy Page's penis was about the size of a baby's arm and has pleased more than half of the world's population of women. This includes your mom and your girlfriend. If you just tried to use the "I don't have a girlfriend excuse," then you are deemed as as a gay, so stated in the Jimmy Page Law. Do you think I'm making this shit up? DO YOU THINK JIMMY PAGE IS LAUGHING?!?!
- Jimmy Page and Led Zeppelin played at the wedding of Howard Stern.
- Jimmy Page is known to hunt his enemies with solid gold falcons launched from a single cannon in his nose.
- Jimmy Page sacrificed his first pube to Mahatma Gandhi.
- Jimmy Page once fucked John John John's bass doggy style while snorting bloody cocaine off the Pope's hat.
- Jimmy Page is one of two beings on the planet to be able to survive a nuclear blast, the other being the cockroach, although promptly after the nuclear explosion, Jimmy smashed it with his guitar.
- Jimmy Page is the last elf to remember the War of Ring of the Third Age, as it was he who forged the one ring....however one thing that bastard Gollum didn't know was he had Robert Plant buttfuck it before he gave it to the other elves.
- Jimmy Page had a contract in 1985 for the solo album called "assfuckers" and stated he could beat the living shit out of his boyfriend, Eric Clapton three times a week.
- Jimmy Page fucked your grandma when she was 14 years old, and he is your grandpa. He's probably everyone's grandpa.
- Jimmy Page travelled back in time and was kidnapped by Moses, and forced into a guitar battle with God. Jimmy Page won.
- Jimmy Page has pooped not just out his nose but out his eyeballs and even eye lashes to this day they bring a walrus to sniff up his fiecies (follicols)
- Jimmy Page will come to Santa Monica and teach you to play guitar if you are the guy from Everclear and it is 1977.
- Jimmy Page and Pedobear are coffee buddies and go out for a mocha chai every Thursday before taking a stroll to the local middle school.
- Jimmy Page is one of the few people in the world to have ever accomplished changing their race without medical interference. His transformation was from Caucasian to Asian. Though, it has been reported the Hamburglar stole the "cauc" on his 57th birthday. Those who have also completed a similar change are Keith Flint and Steven Tyler
- Jimmy Page acquired those starry pants from a Duel he won with Merlin. Let's just say ol' Merly is now a vegetable in the hospital.
- Jimmy Page is a level 36 Paladin with a level 10 battle axe that gives him +6 Charisma and +9 strength.
[edit] See also
- Robert Plant
- Led Zeppelin
- Led Zeppelin IV
- Muddy Waters
- Styx
- Kitten Huffing
- Chuck Norris
- The Who
- The Beatles
- Hell
