Jimi Hendrix
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“Could Jimi Hendrix write a guitar solo so difficult that he himself could not play it?”
~ Socrates on Jimi Hendrix
“Yes...then I'd take some acid and play it, plus three other albums.”
~ Jimi Hendrix on Socrates' Question
“I..I.... love him, mind you he did cut down my mountain and made into a island...”
~ God on Jimi Hendrix
Jimi Hendrix (born Hans Gehrke) was a black guy who lived during the 1960s and invented the guitar, LSD, and flamingos. Jimi Hendrix is God plain and simple. Jimi Hendrix is Known mostly for his great feats which include killing off all the dinosaurs with his magic guitar Halcyon whilst riding atop his pegasus unicorn, Staring a Grue down and causing it to loose interest in the kill, and teaming up with Billy Idol to Kill The legendary Mongolian Titanium Werewolf. http://www.travian.us/?uc=us8_41120 Jimi's mother, Cleopatra was known to have an obsession with butterflies and zebras and moonbeams. She was also an Electric Landlady. Jimi's brother, Joe shot his old lady down, shot her down to the ground. Jimi's girlfriend used to live in a red house over yonder, but she reportedly left, causing Jimi to date her sister. He also liked to stand next to some lady's fire and wrote a song about it, which is totally random. Many numerous stunts gained him notoriety, including when he smashed down a mountain with the edge of his hand while feeling, sweet feeling, dropped from his fingers. He also lived in a Room full of mirrors but all he could see was himself so he took his spirit and smashed his mirror, so he could see the whole world, unfortunately he got glass in his brain.
Although in an attempt to slander Jimi, homophobic Nazis claimed the lover's name to be "the sky."
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[edit] Background Information
It is rumored that Hendrix once played a solo so fast it was above the range of human hearing, something in the magnitude of 300,349Ghz, needless to say the crowd was stunned to see Jimi and his guitar entirely incinerated.
This solo, or frenzied masturbation, was a short minute take from the original track called "Lesbian Shreddings" who was first performed by the great Lesbian Guitarist called Roby Obeid in the late 60s...
After his father bought him a toilet brush to practice on, Jimi's early years were spent touring with Sole legends Wilson Pocock, the Slightly Iffy Brothers and Chas'n'Dave - Dave's routine of playing the piano with his false teeth, behind his head and finally stubbing out his cigs on the lid inspiring Jimi to emulate. In 1965 he traded in his brush for a Fender Wangcaster fed through the hottest amp of the day, an 11 watt Pixietone, with effects pedals by Weebletronix - the Big Hair fuzz, Crying Weasel wah and a Moulinex Blender for tone. Later he graduated to 356,000 watts of Marshmallow stacks so advanced that would keep playing themselves even if he stopped for a brew.
Jimi caused some controversy when, in the song Purple Haze, he sang "'Scuse me, while I kiss This Guy." Many educated people thought it was okay as they believed he was just referring to the magical elf in his pocket, Jeff Houser.
He was eventually "murdered" by a hit man sent by Nixon, since Jimi performed the Star Spangled Banner really awesomely and caused many deaths with his insane, amazing, sexy guitar tone which caused many to ejaculate to death.
[edit] Guitar Tunings
“ I don't give a fuck if you boo, as long as you boo in key ”
~ Hendrix to the World
“ If Jimi Hendrix was my mum, i'd fuck him. ”
~ Stuart Horbury on Jimi Hendrix
Jimi Hendrix could tune a guitar by looking at it. Jimi Hendrix was a legend; everyone loved him, and he lays in peace, watching the world from purgatory, up with Oscar Wilde. Jimi Hendrix is the greatest guitarist ever. Period.[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] However, it has been speculated that even thought Jimi was a God, many homophobes didn't like him so today Jimmy Page is regarded as the greatest guitarist ever, with Eric Clapton being second. Clapton was in fact gay, but convinced the media he was in love with a woman named Layla . [No Citation Here Either]
[edit] Mutations
When Jimi Hendrix was born he had an abnormally big toe and it was amputated 3 days after birth. This is why on all his concerts he will walk like a total freak, but this obstacle didn't stop him. He carried on doing concerts until he managed to walk in a straight line and from then on people could call him from his real name, Ahasapotatootalon.
He also was Zapped into Fallout and used his Halcyon to kill everyone in the wasteland because they didn't believe in His spanish castle magic.
[edit] Finger Strength
In 1968 he managed to play 56,043 chords in four seconds. The skin on his fingers disappeared and was found in space by aliens, who are rumored to be using it as the technological basis for a new type of force field.
“His fingers, they were like rockets, but they didn't explode. ADDRRRRRIIIIIAAAANNNN!!!!!!”
~ Rocky Balboa on Jimi's fingers
Hendrix is also famous for standing up next to a mountain and chopping it down with the edge of his hand, then picking up all of the pieces and making an island, then raising a little sand. This has been attributed to the fact that he is a voodoo child. It has been attested the lord knows he is, and quoted from his autobiography, he doesn't mean to take up all our sweet time. It was said he would give it right back to us, and on January 25th, 2007, he gave all the time properly owed by the federal court of law.
Hendrix also dressed up like an angel when he was sad and burnt his guitar very often.
He is also famous for not bothering to do anything if all the Hippies cut off all their hair.
[edit] Divinity?
Jimi hendrix a great guitar player best of all time, no doubt he was great cuz he wrote the song ANGEL!!!!! I love it yes yes! He died of too many sleeping pills and drank too much beer threwup in his sleep and choked on it. Bad grammer can be fun!
Anyway back to the subject, it is often believed by many that Jimi Hendrix and God are interchangeable names for the same concept. It was proclaimed in the bible in Leviticus 2.11.34 "An awesome black man with an afro with godly curls will one day come down to earth. He will create such songs as Voodoo child and will be swept back to heaven in purple haze never seen before. That man will create the idea of good music not the shitty music substitue Disney forces down yours child's throat.
[edit] Bad Influences
He was very good friends with all the big music celebrities of the 1960s: The Allman Brothers, Jim Morrison, Bon Scott, Janis Joplin, Oscar Wilde, Shakespeare, Picasso, Elvis, Mozart, Jesus, Godrun Scywoman, Satan, Edgar Savisaar, Seven O'Clock, Soundgarden, Randy Newman, Big Bird, the Stay-Puffed Marshmallow Man, Alfred E. Newman, Oprah, Chuck Norris, The Red Dildo Apparatus, The Simpsons, Timothy McVeigh, Kermit the Frog, Jimi Hendrix, Grandfather Frog, Kurt Cobain, Chris Jefferies, Ben Hussong (even though he is a loser who likes Star Wars [He's threatening to kill me with his mighty light saber -ooohh I'm scared...asshole-])). and Superman. They were all iffy pals with him, but they did love to watch him "sing". The guitar playing was extra, particularly when he used his male member for the blues slide numbers.
Kirk Hammett (aka. Jimi's evil twin/reflection) is rumoured to be one of Jimi's worst influences, this is because he managed persuaded Jimi to swap places with him on the 18th September 1970. Once free of his mirror prison, Kirk proceeded to join thrash metal band Metallica and dominate the world using Jimi's guitar playing skills. Kirk is said to still have the original mirror with Jimi trapped inside, little is known as to how they swapped places or as to whether it is possible for them to ever swap back.
Hendrix was introduced to kitten huffing by This Guy. In thanks, Hendrix wrote the song Purple Haze which exclaims, "'Scuse me while I kiss This Guy."
At Monterey, while trying to fill his cigarette lighter, he accidentally set his guitar on fire. After apologising to the Fire Department, he explained it as a sacrifice to himself (he is the rock god), and a good reason to give up smoking. He was very patriotic and often played the Star Spangled Banner while simulating patriotic sounds such as machine gun fire, bombs exploding, and "gooks" a.k.a - Chinks - being napalmed.
[edit] Trouble With The Man
Jimi also had a taste for marijuana. He was often seen munching them, even during concerts. He is often said to have liked them seasoned with weed, although experts believe that genetically modified coriander was the stronger preference. Contrary to popular belief, it is not true that his famous pop hit, "Purple Haze" was written while under the influence, he was really just hallucinating due to a cold and the lack of unnnnnn in the air. Other Hendrix hits include "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head," "These Boots Were Made for Walking", "Wilde Thing (Slight Return)", "Poly-Grip," "Earwax Goddess", "Smells Like Teen Spirit," and "The Erotica Symphony."
He also has an evil twin with the same name who can only be differentiated by the fact that Evil Jimi always has a SoBe energy drink in his hand, which would make it impossible to play guitar. This Twin had a song written about him by Osama Bin Laden entitled "Rayhoo."
After being acclaimed as the best guitar players of all time, he began playing your mom. He and Jerry Lee Lewis set a piano on fire in 1970 to commemorate the Hindenburg wreck (as heard on the Hendrix album "Crash Landing"). Nobody told them how late they were.
[edit] I Don't Live Today
On September 18, 1970, Hendrix had transcended this plane of existence In the same way as a Demi Lich. Some believe Jimmy Page was responsible for his untimely death, several eye witnesses testify to Page improvising a demonic guitar solo, conjuring minor and major demons of the pentatonic, before capturing the tripped out Hendrix, and dragging him into a hellish dimension of fire. Hendrix's last words are reportedly: "Aww, shit. Last time I huff a kitten on LSD."
[edit] His Biography
my life all started when i was born it was intence they just gave me a guitar and expected me to play... well i did. when i was 3 months old i made my first song, "purple haze", it was great, and it really suited me with my guitar. finally i reached 1 and on my birth day i got my first record deal. it was tough busness, only me the guitar and the road... and a drunk man who i picked up from the bar that very same morning. so anyway when my album was released it made loads of hits, i was top of the charts until bob dylan fucked things up. he made a god album that now one could beat, people called it the eagle of wisdom, and hit had magic deep inside the record... but obviosly we all know that i was better so in the end i joined neil young and we made "the due-o of time" neil and i were crazy at that point we had so muhc fun in the shower rooms, so much fun in the swimming pool full of lemon ade, but we ran out and lost hope and perished due to lack of water. the end
[edit] Jimi vs. Jesus
“ This dude is awesome ”
~ Captain Obvious on Hendrix
“ This dude is right ”
~ Hendrix on Captain Obvious
“ These dudes are gay ”
~ Jesus after seeing Jimi Hendrix and Captain Obvious on each other
Many important philosophers often spend valuable toilet time pondering what would happen were Jesus and Jimi Hendrix to do battle. Humans are 98% water, therefore making Jesus an unstoppable killing machine with the ability to turn mere mortals into a delicious fermented grape beverage. However, if Hendrix were to die the universe would instantly implode due to it losing the majority of its awesomeness. Jimi can call upon his awesomeness at any time to destroy any evil villians that come his way, e.g. Jesus, Chuck Norris, and the animals of Farthing Wood.
My vote's on Jimi.
Such a battle was once simulated on the worlds sexiest super-computer. However, the simulation was disrupted during the climax of the battle when God explosively came, causing the 9/11 incident.
[edit] Discography
1. Are You Gonna Buy My First Album? (1967)
2. Axis: Horny As Fuckin' Hell (1967)
3. Jimi Hendrix: Suck My Dick! (1968)
4. Electric Blanket (1968)
5. Bitch, I told you (1969)
5. Band Of the High Dudes (1970)
6. Jimi Hendrix: The Hits (1972)
7. Hendrix: Here's Those Hits Again (1973)
8. 
(19XX)
8b. Continued hits from Jimi Hendrix (1974.6)
9. The Best of Jimi Hendrix (1975)
10. 'Scuse Me, Here's Some Hits Again (1976)
11: Hit Parade:Part 1,2, and 4 (1980)
12: Here's Some More God Damn Hits!!!! (1982)
13: Even more friggin hits! When will we stop? (1990)
14: Never!!! Heres some more bitch! (1995)
15: Jesus, stop the hits for Christ's sake! (eventually)
16: Fine, we'll stop after this album! (Featuring a cover of Hawthorne Height's Cowboys from Hell) (1998)
17: Ok, No More Hits: The Best of Jimi Hendrix (2007)
18: Shred Wars: The Experience Menace (2007)
19: The Second Coming of Jimi Hendrix (2012)
20: Shania Twain vs. Jimi Hendrix: The Death Metal Remix (2012.9999999)
20B: Ha! Jimi Hendrix Fucked Shania Twain: The Celebration Mix (2012.99999999)
21: DJ Jimi Hendrix vs. DJ Jim Morrison: Trance Music is Alive (We're Dead) (2015)
22: Triphop-core Classics: Google Records Company Media Organization Re-Release (2077)
23: Do you like my bell? (2078)
24: Tupac:Remastered Jimi Hendrix hits after Jimi came back as gangsta rapper Tupac who was tragically shot,but not really,so Tupac remasters Jimi's hit songs after magical robots bring him back to life to remaster Jimi's songs and Tupac is all like "What the fuck,just bring back Jimi,I need my eternal beauty rest"-The Hits (working title) (2091)
25: Jesus Christ,How many times can you put out Purple Haze? (3034)
[edit] Death...OR NOT!
There has been a lot of controversy surrounding the death of Jimi Hendrix. The most common, and ironic, theory is that second hand smoke from the fans gave him lung cancer. However, recent testing has disproved his death altogether; the proof of the matter is, Jimi Hendrix sublimated.
Allow me to explain:
Jimi Hendrix's music caused people to smoke pot and drop acid in their cock.
Jimi Hendrix wrote and performed his music while smoking pot and dropping acid on his cock. Joo Followin'?
One day, Jimi entered a room with copious quantity of drugs, a guitar, and a record player with his own album. Although no one is sure what event happened first, we do know that he listened to his own music, which caused him to do drugs, which caused him to play his own music, which caused him to do more drugs, which caused him to play more, which caused him to do more drugs, which caused him to play more ad infinitum.
This vortex of hippydom literally caused Jimi Hendrix to transcend this plane of existence.
At that point, he was transported back to the beginning of time, where he and the ultimate musician, Mr. C, fought a terrible guitar war to determine who was the greater guitarist. In the end, the C-man forced him into the afterlife, leaving only his groupies behind. However, there is a little known text which tells us that Hendrix will return at the end of time to do battle with Mr. C once more. This shall bring about the apocalypse. There will only be one winner.
Joo got it?
However... Some people believe that Jimi was shot in the Vietnam war, outside of Da Nang by fellow American soldiers who mistook him for being an enemy. The Americans yelled out a cry of "Die you bastard!, hey doesn't that guy kinda look like Jimi Hendrix? Who cares we're too high!" And they opened fire on Hendrix with eighteen M60 machine guns, seven Ithaca 12 gauge shotguns, thirty-five M16 assault machine guns and a lead pipe. Many people believe he will return some day when the Iraq war ends and deal with Bush for the last time.
In 1981, Jimi Hendrix was found, alive, in a dumpster somewhere in Romania, but Wesley Snipes got angry for some reason and tied Hendrix up to a cross and poked and burned and did all that crazy shit to him. He died.
In 1983, a merman was discovered believed to be Jimi Hendrix. It turned out to be "Superfly" Jimi Snuka.
In 1984, Jimi returned from death, and was shot by Jimi Page, for taking the glory.
In 1992, he arrived again to play a set with Oasis, but then realised that Blur were much better and proceeded to form an intimate relationship with Damon Albarn and together they gave birth to Thom York. Hendrix was shot fatally in the heart by an extremely pissed Noel Gallagher.Legend tells of Damon Albarn raping Noel Gallagher on stage in a pool of Hendrix's blood. Hendrix will soon return to play with himself. Hendrix has also been found on the travian UK forums and has a problem about nob cheese, paricularly the mature cheddar kind.
In 2002, Damon Albam hinted to the media that one of the co-creators of Gorillaz is Jimi himself. Gorillaz's style of music is also speculated by the fans to having strong influence from Jimi Hendrix style, with the song DARE sounding suspiciously similar to Voodoo Child (SKLight REturn)
[edit] He is the reason we live!
If he did not exsist and killed robot osama hitler bin laden 2999.9 then we'd still have to look at robot osama hitler bin laden 2999.9's face and die by choking on our barf.
[edit] Trivia
Jimi Hendrix is actually still around. He, Bruce Lee, and Samurai linkin have been traveling the universe fighting the decepticons and there hugh rubbery robotic members.
In 1967, Jimi Hendrix created the first lesbian in his backyard. The government tried to get hold of her, but failed. Since then, she has multiplied asexually.
