Jimbo Wales

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 20:51, January 25, 2014 by Shabidoo (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search

Jimbo often fans himself with some of the profits from Wikie, before investing them securely beneath a G-string.

“What is our business plan for Uncyclopedia? To demonstrate to the active community here that we know how to not fuck people.”
~ Jimbo Wales, 20:07, 11 July 2006 (UTC)

Jimmy Wales (born August 7, 1966) is an American Internet entrepreneur best-known as the spokesman of the peoples wiki Wikipedia, and of the for-profit Wikia, which hosts a cheap imitation of wiki software used primarily to track internet user information as well as catalogue episodes of sci-fi television shows.

The wikipedia project was designed to allow it's pages to show up first on any google search of a non commercial topic. It was also designed to give Jimmy Wales credibility as an inovative world leader. He is in fact a paid actor.

While in acting school Jimbo Wales found moderate success in performing the role of the attractive Romeo in Romeo and Julliet recieving the attention of some journalists working for the university news paper. Driven by their positive reviews he then played the roll of Steve Jobs in the newly penned play "Who goes first...Gates or Jobs?". Impressed by his ability to act as a hopelessly dorky yet scrupulous tech tyrrant...the powers behind wikipedia hired him as their model spokesman for a new company. Originally designed as a database for university students to copying and paste wikipedia articles into their last minute essays the website unexpectedly took shape as a legitimate encyclopedia. The talent souts decided to give Wales the role of Wikicorp President full time.

Wales proved himself remarkable at method acting to the extent that he himself started to believe he was a hi-tec messiah. His actual original contributions to the company was near nil. The company was first called freepeoplesencyclopediaonline.com but Wales suggested calling it wikipedia. This was the one and only useful and unscripted action that Wales has ever carried out at wikipedia. As a reward the company then paid Time Magazine to honor him in 2006 as "Man of the Year" award. With the new attention his dating prospects increased 100 fold the next day but the company would not allow him to womanise. Being seen with beautiful ladies having fun would hurt his credibility as a tech-guru.

Early Life and Childhood

Jimmy's birth and childhood was unremarkable for a young Alabaman. He was born in Birmingham state prison and raised by various loving step-brothers and second cousins. His family and schools were devoid of technology and education consisted of the basics: math, reading and proper fire-arm maintenence. The Bush foundation generously donated to all impovrised Alabaman schools a variety of new technologies including double barreled chambered firearms as well as a few half broken computers. Jimmy Wales stole the technology and brought it home. The computer was used for a week and was quickly forgotten. It eventually became a TV stand for the family and that was the extent of Jimbo Wales' interest in both technology and education.

Lonely teenage years

Wales attended acting school in Auburn Alabama and was a popular student leader. He is inaccurately attributed as the creator of the double ruffled badminton raquet which was engineered by his dorm mate Charles Johnson. Jimbo Wales did however invent beer pong and was considered the third best player on campus.

Jimbo Wales graduated with average grades and went on to study a masters in seventeenth century Italian theatre. It was then that he learned method acting by his mentor Lary Sanger. Sanger refered him to the Bovis media corp which hired Jimbo as a model for their online version of Maxim magazine.

The Rules Larry Sanger gave to Jimbo


Wikipedia founders enjoy a promenade, 2001. Jimbo is pretending to be Horatio Nelson. Retouched, 2005. "Larry Sanger did not exist. Larry Sanger had never existed."(See another proof: original edit)

The first rule of Wikipedia is - you do not talk about Wikipedia. The second rule of Wikipedia is you do not talk about Wikipedia. Third rule of Wikipedia, someone yells 'stop', goes limp, taps out, the edit is over. Fourth rule, only two guys to a edit. Fifth rule, one edit at a time, fellas. Sixth rule, no vandalism, no bots. Seventh rule, edits will go on as long as they have to. And the eighth and final rule, if this is your first night at Wikipedia, you have to edit.

Jimbo Wales, Wikimania 06

Pointless adult life


Jimbo practicing his favourite pastime: vandalising Uncyclopedia.


Jimbo Wales at the rudder of Wikipedia, ferries the Knowledge towards new horizons. Jimbo bought these women the Knowledge on eBay. Per his usual behavior, the Paypal account was stolen and the women girls Knowledge later found to be under eighteen.

After being introduced to the concept of a wiki, Sanger proposed Jimbo thought of applying it to an encyclopaedia. Larry's proposition to Wales Jimbo's innovative, completely original idea directly led to the setup of Wikipedia. Sanger was the only paid? (he is owed $$$ millions by Jimbo who ripped Sanger off in a stock swindle and dirty needle exchange program) editor of Wikipedia, a status he held from January 15, 2001, until his resignation on March 1, 2002. Sanger received his B.A. in philosophy from Reed College in 1991 and Ph.D. in philosophy from Ohio State University in 2000. His doctoral thesis concerned Epistemic Circularity: An Essay on the Problem of Meta-Justification. Just so you'll know that WE are better investigators than any of the Bullshido clowns, LOL.

The Cult of Jimbo

Some editors and beaurocrats at wikipedia idolize Jimbo's every update on policy and wikidirection. In any case every edit done by Jimbo is an excuse for trolls and troublemakers to edit and flame war. Jimbos actual edits are made by a room of secret editors which is kept under high security. Jimbo is usually playing Xbox at home or practices his breast stroke in his heated pool.

A series of professional photographers stop by his house once a month to take amature looking photos of him typing at his desk. Jimbo Wales suffers from a very mild form of Autism and is unable to locate the on/off button for his computer. For this reason he leaves his computer on 24 hours a day in case an official need to take a last minute photograph of him using it.

While Jimbo Wales does not personally edit the wikipedia website he is known to secretly consult wikipedia articles whenever he plays trivia persuit with his dog and cat. Despite cheating with the stealth use of his invisible iPhone, his pets usually win the game.


Time 100 Jimmy Wales stares and grins beetroot

Jimbo disguises himself as a beetroot to avoid awkward questions such as the Wikipedia entry on Steven Colbert

The fame of Jimbo Wales is directly proportional to the number of Wikipedia articles in existence, hence the reasoning behind his persoanl aids dedication to documenting every single person, object, and idea in existence. As Wikipedia's size increases, so does Wales' manhood. Eventually, he will poke all our eyes out with it -- ironic, considering hysterical blindness is one of several known side effects of spending too much time on Wikipedia.

Jimbo claims to be running Wikipedia for the benefit of children in Africa, but the truth is, nothing could please Jimbo more than an African child served with his morning coffee and a cheese Danish. Jimbo adds +1 to his Natural Defence for every five African children consumed. Jimbo also gains +1 Spell Power for every three Asian children devoured. Jimbo recently defeated a hobgoblin using these abilities.

Jimbo is also completely immune to all known laws, and often uses this for recreational purposes. Often, Jimbo hunts Encyclopædia Britannica founders in busy cities with railguns he designed himself while they attempt to escape the city with a bag of money. This practice was stopped however, when the World Law wiki was vandalised to change this law to a more ludicrous one which enforced that jimbo had to wear clothes which were not bought from a lumber catalog. Also, his super powers were revoked after he was found vandalising the causality of space-time to include the Jimbon particle.

Did You Know?

  • Wales's slightly distant look, which he appears to adopt for every photograph, is actually the result of chronic incontinence.
  • Notorious vandal Willy On Wheels is, in fact, Wales vandalizing pages out of boredom and blaming it on others; he considers it a test of loyalty for his disciples.
  • Wales has no pr0n collection. Instead, he routinely visits the article written about Him and His Holy Achievements.
  • Wales habitually addresses himself in the third person, as though he were Julius Caesar or Bob Dole.

See also

Personal tools