From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Uncyclopedia rocks, as it is. That's why I offered to buy it. What is our business plan for Uncyclopedia? To demonstrate to the active community here, and by extension other communities, that we know how to not fuck people. Our entire business model depends on showing the world that we are a serious alternative to Yahoo, Google, etc., etc. because we represent a totally different approach... a totally wiki approach... to website management.--Jimbo Wales 20:07, 11 July 2006 (UTC)”
“The policies that anyone can edit.”
“Fucking cock deleted my article! Motherfucker, when I get my hands on the cunt someone is going to pay, and it certainly isn't my Oxford comma using ass”
His Most Imperial Majestic Leader Jimothy (Jimbo) Wales I, 1st Prince of the United States, Paramount Leader of the Internet is a well-known huckster, Hollywood stunt man, con-man, keeper of the Cheese, pornographer, lemon merchant, dictator of Wikiland, and the co-co-co-co-co-co-co-founder of nothing. He has adopted a lifestyle of libertinage, debauchery, nudism, international travel, kitten huffing, yodeling, masturbation and Ferrari connoisseurship by standing on the shoulders of a million nerds.
Jumbo Jimbo Wales simply describes himself as a "rockstar, but without the sex and drugs" . He is well known for his amusing stunts which unfortunately do not succeed in being funny without being stupid.
These include editing his own biography to pretend that he actually came up with the whole idea of Wikipedia, accusing people of killing JFK, Kevin Costner's career and Gerald Ford.
His account has been locked thricewise and twain for vandalism and replacing entire pages with the phrase TROLLS AER THE 13347 several hundred times. His most memorable vandalism was his repeated claim on the Wikipedia page for Uncyclopedia that Uncyclopedia was, in fact, a parody site of Wikipedia, which was a total load of bullshit. In fact, it is the other way around, Jones imprinted some kind of malicious code on the edit page, locking the statement in place for all to see. For a brief time, he was thought to have been directly involved in the Kennedy assassinations of both John, and his brother, John 2.0. Nothing was ever proven, though the CIA case files remain open.
Oh, he also setup the rules of Wikipedia (a.k.a Beggarpedia) such that you can only create articles about what he decides you can. This forces many people to use his other profit making wiki (Wikia) and everyone who uses it hates him because he forces commercial influences onto them. But that's kinda boring eh? So onto the rest of this crap...
edit Early Life and Childhood
Jimmy boy was born and raised in the Huntsville, Texas state prison. His father worked as a jizz mopper in a nudie booth. His mother and grandmother operated a tiny brothel called the "House of Learning," which Wales and his six-hundred sixty-five siblings learned sexual positions. On the playground is where he spent most of his days, chilling out maxing, relaxing all cool, and shooting some basketball outside of the school. When a couple of guys, who were up to no good, started making trouble in his neighborhood. Jimmy was beaten and sodomized repeatedly by these troublemakers. Jimmy's mom said, 'You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air', but they were repulsed by Jimmy and refused to take him in.
Shunned, teary-eyed, crippled (both emotionally and anally), he ran home and hid in his room, crying for hours, writing in his diary under the pseudonym of Anne Frank, seeing that his tears were washing away the ink in his diary. He tried going on the computer to cheer him up, but all the websites he found was just his quote-unquote "friends" going on about how he sucked so bad. And so he thought, "If only there was some way to change what it said on the Internet. To—dare I say it?—edit it!" And so, he created Wikipedia, the Internet's second free-content editable encyclopaedia.
Then he was sued for plagiarism from Nupedia. They would've won, if not for the fact that Nupedia fell into a wormhole, and everyone forgot about it, forever. Wikipedia went on to be second only to Uncyclopedia in popularity and awesomeness, due to its annoying habit of having articles that are just useless, nonsensical crap.
edit Lonely teenage years
Prior to entering the dubious online encyclopaedia industry, Wales made his first fortune in gay pornography. He confounded Hustler magazine with Larry "Sanger" Flynt, but eventually left to pursue his dream of an online gay pornographic resource that would be free and to which contributions could be made by anyone. "Flynt" has since disavowed any claims of Jimbo's to a role in Hustler, and Jimbo considers this defeat too embarrassing to admit -- hence discussion of it is banned on Wikipedia.Next, Jimmy Wales started Bomis.com, an erotic directory for young males too timid or too find real porn on the internet. This aspect of Wales's past is considered a roadblock to his aspirations for global political
Jimbo lets the world and the IRS think that Wikipedia is a legit 503(c)3 tax exempt foundation, when in fact the organization or "outfit" is a front to funnel money to Jimmy directly, which he spends, whoring, gambling and otherwise humping the known and unknown world. Jimbo used to think that the Wikimedia Foundation was his own personal bank account. The donations from Des Moines and the Hague, all went to Jimbo's various and sundry travel expenses, some times 2 bucks at a time. A kitten huffing orgy with Elian, a fancy dinner there, a threesome with Osama bin Laden and Jenna Jamison, etc. until the debt he racked up to the foundation accumulated to the 100s of thousand of dollars. This is the kind of impropriety that would take down someone who worked for a real company. And, let's just say that Jimbo had to be threatened with exposure (not the sexual sort, mind you), before he paid what was owed. His credit card was taken away, making him cry like a girl, never to be given back to him again.
His mortal enemy- (might be good to try and contact) Larry Sanger, born Lawrence Mark Sanger July 16, 1968 in Bellevue, Washington and raised in Anchorage, Alaska, was employed by Jimmy Wales with Bomis, co-founder of Nupedia and Wikipedia, as Editor-in-Chief of Nupedia. Sanger is widely considered the co-founder of Wikipedia alongside Wales; however, Wales rejects crediting Sanger with the honorary appellation, instead preferring to describe Sanger's role as "the office sea monkey".
edit The Rules Larry Sanger gave to Jimbo
|The first rule of Wikipedia is - you do not talk about Wikipedia. The second rule of Wikipedia is you do not talk about Wikipedia. Third rule of Wikipedia, someone yells 'stop', goes limp, taps out, the edit is over. Fourth rule, only two guys to a edit. Fifth rule, one edit at a time, fellas. Sixth rule, no vandalism, no bots. Seventh rule, edits will go on as long as they have to. And the eighth and final rule, if this is your first night at Wikipedia, you have to edit.|
—Jimbo Wales, Wikimania 06
edit Love Life with Wikipe-tan.
|I just can't stand it. When I see 'her' I can only grit my teeth and clench my fists as hard as I can from jumping out and screaming "I love you!" at the top of my lungs. I literally have to bite down on my tongue, sometimes until it bleeds or else I'll lose control and caress 'her' with kisses until the end of the world. 'She' is just so beautiful. Not in that super model barbie doll way. 'She' is legitimately beautiful. The super models put on make up and dress up and get air brushed so they can look like 'her'. 'She' doesn't need that shit, 'she' is wonderful on 'her' own." And he thinks that blue hair is so cool. And her chest is so nice and flat.|
edit Pointless adult life
After being introduced to the concept of a wiki,
Sanger proposed Jimbo thought of applying it to an encyclopaedia. Larry's proposition to Wales Jimbo's innovative, completely original idea directly led to the setup of Wikipedia. Sanger was the only paid? (he is owed $$$ millions by Jimbo who ripped Sanger off in a stock swindle and dirty needle exchange program) editor of Wikipedia, a status he held from January 15, 2001, until his resignation on March 1, 2002. Sanger received his B.A. in philosophy from Reed College in 1991 and Ph.D. in philosophy from Ohio State University in 2000. His doctoral thesis concerned Epistemic Circularity: An Essay on the Problem of Meta-Justification. Just so you'll know that WE are better investigators than any of the Bullshido clowns, LOL.
edit The Cult of Jimbo
Wikipedophiles look to His Holiness Jimbo Wales as a Divine Being, who rallied nerds from attics and basements of world suburbia in a unified community. Devout wikipedophiles will frequently take a break from arguing succinctly on Pokémon and anarchy Talk Pages to worship His Lord and Master, Creator of All and Font of All Knowledge.
Offerings of contributions must be made to His Lordship Jimbo Wales, usually in the form of fondling his privates on the article dedicated to him. The truly inspired will be gifted with knowledge from the source and go on to create beautiful articles about Soul Calibur characters and documented uses of the Wilhelm Scream in every movie since (1954).
The hierarchy of the Cult of Jimbo is simple: at the very top is His Godhead Jimbo Wales, followed by the Liberal Cabal of Wikipedia and the Wikipedian Jewish Alliance. At the bottom are the squirming masses of Wikipedophiles, continually improving articles on Star Wars characters and ritually pleasuring themselves to WikiCommon's gallery of woman's lingerie.
For his 43rd birthday on August 7, 2009, the cultists gathered around a glowing computer monitor chanting "Edit War! Edit War! Edit War!" and then proceeded to edit all references to Jimbo. The edits were stealthily designed to make one believe that Jimbo is actually not of this world, but instead rode here on a wave of light sometime in the 15th century from the Beta Antarus Nebula, more specifically the third star to the right after you pass the giant penis-shaped cloud. Unfortunately, the cultists have failed, as Google Sky correctly identified the myth and it has edited the real world to blink most of them out of existence. The "Jimtiles", as they're known, are now quite few in numbers due to this disastrous edit war with Google.
Jimbo Wales is a semi-sentient being whose power and ego are directly proportional to the number of Wikipedia articles in existence, hence the reasoning behind his cult's dedication to documenting every single person, object, and idea in existence. As Wikipedia's size increases, so does Wales' manhood. Eventually, he will poke all our eyes out with it -- ironic, considering hysterical blindness is one of several known side effects of spending too much time on Wikipedia.
Jimbo claims to be running Wikipedia for the benefit of children in Africa, but the truth is, nothing could please Jimbo more than an African child served with his morning coffee and a cheese Danish. Jimbo adds +1 to his Natural Defence for every five African children consumed. Jimbo also gains +1 Spell Power for every three Asian children devoured. Jimbo recently defeated a hobgoblin using these abilities.
Jimbo is also completely immune to all known laws, and often uses this for recreational purposes. Often, Jimbo hunts Encyclopædia Britannica founders in busy cities with railguns he designed himself while they attempt to escape the city with a bag of money. This practice was stopped however, when the World Law wiki was vandalised to change this law to a more ludicrous one which enforced that jimbo had to wear clothes which were not bought from a lumber catalog. Also, his super powers were revoked after he was found vandalising the causality of space-time to include the Jimbon particle.
edit Did You Know?
- Jimbo Wales does NOT know it all. 
- Jimbo Wales once did the tango with the Devil.
- Jimbo Wales was involved in the assassination of JFK and later lived in Soviet Russia, where he was officially declared a Ruskie by pro wrestlers everywhere.
- Jimbo Wales slightly distant look which he appears to adopt for every photograph is actually the result of chronic incontinence. So rather than looking enigmatic he has actually fouled his underwear (again).
- Jimbo Wales is the name of a county in the Southern United States, where a different citizen (unknown to him) is allowed to kill John F. Kennedy and Robert Kennedy EVERY DAY.
- JIMBO IS WATCHING YOU ON WHEELS!
- Jimbo Wales should not be confused with the Prince of Wales or with Princess Dianna.
- It should be noted that notorious vandal Willy On Wheels is, in fact, Jimbo Wales vandalizing pages out of boredom and blaming it on others; he considers it a test of loyalty for his disciples.
- Jimbo Wales is just waiting to get you.
- Jimbo Wales has no pr0n collection. Instead, he routinely visits the article written about Him and His Holy Achievements.
- Addresses himself in third person (e.g Jimbo really wants a turkey sandwich.)
- Jimbo Wales can punch his fist through the chest of a yak.
- Banned in China for being a douchebag.
- Prefers Tom over Jerry.
edit Feud with Bowser Koopa and Death
Bowser Koopa, Jimbo Wales, and Vince McMahon were the puppet masters behind the Bush administration. Bowser became the one scheduled to become world leader after Jimbo Wales made a bet that Richard Simmons would turn straight (which goes to show how smart he is) and of course lost. Jimbo then got to be scheduled Vice President after he promised McMahon that if McMahon took the Secretary of Defense chair, he could hire a bunch of small-brained bitches to help him. McMahon took it in a heartbeat. However, Bowser Koopa, due to Bush's mistake of molesting a child, started revealing the truth on Wales's website, Wikipedia, in order to help jump start his campaign. Wales thought that it was too soon and could ruin everything, so he blocked Bowser's account. Furious, Bowser made several accounts and began spreading the world's truths in order to make Wales appear as a traitor to the Axis of Evil. Wales eventually found all of them and blocked them as well as Bowser's IP address for 6 months. Bowser later discovered Uncyclopedia, the enemy of Wikipedia, and began helping spread the truth about Wales's involvement in the Bush administration while hiding his own. The Axis of Evil spread into two parts, those on Jimbo's side and those on Bowser's side. However, Jimbo Wales trusted ally Bert with information on his location, which turned out to be a mistake, since after several years on the run from the FBI, Bert was finally captured while trying to order child pornography. Bert, after several hours of torture, gave up Wales's location. Wales and his crew heard of this beforehand, but were unable to escape before the FBI showed up. Wales committed suicide while the other Axis of evil members there, including Oprah, Lex Luthor, the Burger King along with several others were gunned down by the feds. However, Bowser is still at large, and with Wales's death along with other high ranking members he had become the new leader of the Axis of Evil. However Wales currently placed David Spade in charge of Wikipedia, but Spade poses as Wales. Wales's body was chopped up and fed to The Big Show Paul Wight. Jimmy Wales got 8 out of 10 on "The Chaser's War on Everything."
edit See also