Jim Freklowski

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Jim Freklowski (1911- ) has been through a lot in his life. He has played a key role in many of history's major tragedies. Fortunately, Jim Freklowski has a wonderful imagination, and has never actually been involved in any of history's major tragedies.

edit Night of Broken Glass

Anger

Jim Freklowski three minutes after the Night of Broken Glass

Not long before the Holocaust began, in November of 1938, 27-year-old Jim Freklowski got upset because his mother decided he was much too old to keep up with his early-evening nakee time. He threw his glass sippy cup on the floor, which shattered beyond repair.

Luckily, Jim Freklowski had a wonderful imagination, and the sippy cup did not actually shatter because it was made of plastic. The mess was nothing that Brawny paper towels couldn't clean up.

edit Interesting Facts

  • Jim Freklowski, although quite elderly, still practices nakee time every day.
  • His mother Sharon is actually a bagel, which has since been buried in the backyard.
  • She was a very tasty bagel, though UN regulations prevent governmental recognition of this fact.

edit 228 Incident

Cosgr

Miranda Cosgrove threescore decades after the 228 Incident

Not long after the Japanese left Taiwan, in February of 1947, 36-year-old Jim Freklowski attempted to smoke a cigarette while playing Monopoly. A small ember landed on Feklowski's trousers, igniting a blaze that destroyed the $228 in his wallet and caused crippling third-degree burns to his legs and genitals.

Fortuitously, Jim Freklowski had a wonderful imagination, and he was not actually wearing pants at the time. The damage was nothing that Aloe Vera couldn't soothe.

edit Interesting Facts

  • Jim Freklowski did not enjoy the taste of the cigarette because it tasted kind of like tobacco.
  • It is more difficult to smuggle cigarettes and other contraband when practicing nakee time.
  • February 28 is occasionally the penultimate day in February, though UN regulations prevent governmental recognition of this fact.

edit West Ice Accidents

Hjallis

Hjallis Anderson three months before the West Ice Accidents

Not long after the Olympics took place in Norway, in April of 1952, 41-year-old Jim Freklowski was shoveling snow outside his home when he slipped on a patch of ice, shattering his tailbone and ruining his chances to be a sponsored figure skater.

Propitiously, Jim Freklowski had a wonderful imagination, and it was far too cold to go outside during nakee time. The snow pack was nothing that rock salt couldn't melt.

edit Interesting Facts

  • Jim Freklowski dislikes the taste of rock salt, but is unaware of any alternatives.
  • There are four species of seal in Greenland, unless you count the bearded seal, in which case there are five.
  • The bearded seal is considered to be the seal with the most facial hair, though UN regulations prevent governmental recognition of this fact.

edit Bay of Pigs

Butabuta

Tweakie three hours after the Bay of Pigs Incident

Not long before the Cuban Missile Crisis began, in April of 1961, 50-year-old Jim Freklowski purchased a miniature pot-bellied pig and named her Tweakie. Tweakie's urine smelled unusually sweet, and Freklowski suspected type-two porcine diabetes, so he threw her into the ocean.

Providentially, Jim Frekowski had a wonderful imagination, and actually lacked the gluteal strength necessary to lift a 150-pound pig over his head and carry it to the ocean. The mess was nothing that commercial pig urine remover couldn't clean up.

edit Interesting Facts

  • After the attempted ocean-tossing event, Tweakie decided she preferred the company of Freklowski's Russian poker buddies to Freklowski himself.
  • The San Francisco neighborhood known as "The Castro" was named by a gay rights activist named Neil.
  • Neil was the victim of many bad puns on the homophony between his name and the infinitive "to kneel." The UN recognizes this fact.

edit Axe Murder Incident

Flamer

Kib Chang three seconds after the Axe Murder Incident

Not long after the Korean War ended, in August of 1976, 65-year-old Jim Freklowski got upset because there were too many cockroaches in his dishwasher. He seized an axe and brutally murdered a cockroach into tiny, tiny pieces.

Sadly, Jim Freklowski had a wonderful imagination, and the cockroach was actually South Korean immigrant Kib Chang.

Fortunately, Jim Freklowski had a wonderful imagination, and the axe was actually a flyswatter. Chang's rage was nothing that an out of court settlement couldn't assuage.

edit Interesting Facts

  • Kib Chang was reincarnated as a big blue ox.
  • Before the invention of shampoo, it could be quite a chore to get oxen feces out of one's hair.
  • Shampoo is a less popular pizza topping than pepperoni, though UN regulations prevent governmental recognition of this fact.

edit 9-11

Trajolot

The parking lot of a Trader Joe's three hours before 9-11

Not long before the Afghanistan War began, in September of 2001, 90-year-old Jim Freklowki became furious that his local 9-11 convenience store clerk did not carry his favorite brand of chewing gum, Tubba Rubba Bubba. He furiously seized a handful of sand and threw it in the cashier's eyes.

Opportunely, Jim Freklowski had a wonderful imagination, and neither Tubba Rubba Bubba brand chewing gum nor 9-11 convenience stores are actual things. Freklowski was actually standing in the parking lot of a Trader Joe's. The mess was nothing to worry about, really.

edit Interesting Facts

  • Freklowski was arrested ten minutes after the 9-11 incident for practicing nakee time in the parking lot of a Trader Joe's.
  • Trader Joe's is a respected distributor of quality organic foods and inexpensive wines.
  • Consumers of organic food and inexpensive wines dislike having sand thrown on their cars, though UN regulations prevent governmental recognition of this fact.

edit See Also

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jim Freklowski.
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