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“Oh, it is one fine day to be nude!”
“Lovely day in the neighbourhood/lovely day in the neighbourhood/for a drive-by, I'm a wise guy...”
“I've been his pal for almost four (4) years, and I can honestly say that I get up to far worse each time I party with Frankie Valli and The Giant Jew Band, only to later find myself sucking weaver ants off the formaldehyde-smeared chest of a bearded Wendy's waitress in the Gambia.”
“Crap yr. brains!”
Sir Ted Flugent Aloysius "Jim" Mon Ter Corr, MBE (born July 31, 1964), also commonly known as The Reverend J.C., is an Irish bartender, socialite, and musician who is most famous for being the eldest son of U2 frontman Bono, for being the world's foremost patron of Hjungar-Garnis wigs, and for inciting mass riots on the streets of Tullamore in June 1996. In a bizarre incident, the big eejit spent the day totally smashed after drinking Austalian wine and at 5 o'clock that evening was brutally raped by the Gardai. Since that unfortunate incident, Jim has been plagued by chronic self-esteem issues and spends most of the day bedbound, usually watching the special edition DVD of Happy Gilmore and getting his daily "super blowjob" from his German nurse Brunhild. As that statement suggests, that one I just said back there, as that one suggests: Jim. Has. AIDS. The devastating illness was officially diagnosed by Sarah Jessica Parker in 2003 at a gala in aid of comfortable underwear. Parker broke the news to Jim after having unleashed a terrifying rant upon him, during which she had broken several items of furniture, ordered a Chinese takeaway, screeched "Jim Corr is a cat fucker", broke wind, and made a series of uncomplimentary references to Corr's 'small pecker'.
Flugent (hereby known as Mon) was conceived, born and raised in the quiet village of Killyloughballyhedgewindowstownfluff, which has been lost for over 300 years. The Mon was a good-natured youth and popular student in Hen's Cross school for boys until the age of 16. At this time, he became an unruly and stubborn adolescent. The Mon's intravenous ingestion of several batches of damp and fertile moss (a process known as fliffing) led to expulsion from school. The Mon became a hermit, moving out of town and living in a nearby mine shaft, which also housed several reclusive former members of the 60s skiffle band Spisode Eix. Drug frenzies were common in the crowded den. This strife probably contributed to the Mon's current lack of any memory of the first 22 years of his life. An unrelated masturbatory accident in 2005 has resulted in a loss of memory of the most recent 22 years; as he is now 44, this means that Jim, sadly, has no foreskin.
edit ... And Young Womanhood
Consisted of the Mon wibbling around in a dainty, frilly, oh so frilly dress, wibbling like a Wibbly Wobbly Wonder and screeching, "Ooh! Huh! LAS VEGAS! Uh! Uh, LAS VEGAS - Vaay-Gas! Las VEGAS! Uh, uh LAS VEGAS!" As this was an unproductive time in Monaldinho's life (and yours, and mine), he decided not to remember it. With a quick wibble and a flash of his dazzling pink teeth, not to mention a click of his heels (for TOTO), Mon Atkinson was a memory-free man! Hey wait I've said all this before.
edit Kiny Kabinko!
The Mon was mistaken for Osama bin Laden by a Canadian filmmaker in 1991, and was arrested and flogged for £9 in the Moore St. black market. The buyer was Roman Abramovitch. Since then, he has performed in burlesque shows across Europe and most of North America (except for Louisiana), always going on the road whenever his lonely LA friend Michael Flatley needs a buddy from the old country (Kill the piggy! Kill the piggy!). Mon opened a nightclub in 2001 in Nigeria called Rtsu Bktecu, which is an anagram of 'rust bucket' (probably). What the hell. This is fairly shit.
edit Flugent's Music
The Mon's musical career began in 1985 with a well-received debut album, strangely titled A Decade of Steely Dan. Themes such as war and redemption were covered extensively, most notably in the single Rinkydink Sailor, Nail Me To Your Waist, which shot to number 17 in the charts. A Decade of Steely Dan was a big success in Europe and in America, and provided The Mon with a lot of groupies, who he affectionately called 'floopies'. What a great record. The follow-up to this eclectic debut LP was less successful, however. Mon wrote and recorded the 1988 prog-rock bonanza, simply titled Unce, in just 3 days, a remarkable feat considering the album's 29 hour 41 minute running time. I'm sorry to say that this album "sucked the big one", according to Des Lynam. In 1998, after a decade of shame, chronic weight gain, and violent diarrhea, Flugent retired from the music industry. Critics claimed his career was memorable for being, and I quote, "un sac de merde" (shampoo salesman David Ginola), "terrifying" (Rab C. Nesbitt, a nobody), "quite... shit" (Michelle Obama, 'Rights for Whites' activist) and "tasteful in the most subtle way" (Des Lennis, evil twin of TV star Les Dennis).
In 2006 Corr was forced to make a statement in order to end persisting rumours of homosexuality. He made the heartfelt speech limp-wristed in front of Dublin's beloved spire. The statement was voted Gayest Speech of 2006 by Horse and Hound magazine. Corr reacted bitterly to the media backlash, retreating to his mansion deep under Dundalk bay.
In late 2008 Corr released his most acclaimed album to date, entitled In It For The Bitches Now Giz Us a Fiddle. The album was seen as a retort to growing doubts over his sexuality. Lyrics such as "I'm in the hay/how that make me a gay?" and "How can I be gay with my dick in my sister/invite over your ma, we'll play naked twister" went some way to clearing the vicious rumours surrounding his sexuality. However Corr did not anticipate seventh single, In the Club Thumpin, Now Get Down To Some Fist Pumpin being voted Gay Anthem of the Year 2008 by Horse and Hound magazine. He went on to record follow-up albums such as Push the Brown and Bald Balls to the Walls. He was rumoured to take over the mic in the upcoming T-Rex reunion, but turned it down to record concept album Paedophilia. He denied rumours of shagging 8 year-olds, stating that pubes are essential for "amasing" sex. "I'm not a fan of a tight shiny behind, push through hairy town, and there be pleasure you'll find", a lyric from hit album Bald Balls to the Walls, has been deemed particularly offensive by concerned mothers. Jim simply cited the public concern as a conceited effort to instigate a Corrs reunion.
In May 2009, The Mon released the first single from his forthcoming album, Jimagine, due for release in January 2010. Mon stated that the album was influenced by Chris Cornell's Scream and Michael Jackson's string of summer concerts in London, although he failed to explain how. The track, The Wind Blows Where My Rosemary Grows (Blow Your Nose!), failed to make an impact on the charts, peaking at only #44. However, several thousand copies of the single were stolen from HMV Grafton Street, which reassured Jim of the demand for his music. In a Rolling Stone interview, with typically poor grammar, Jim elaborated: "It's not as though nobody wanted 'em, they just weren't technically bought! They wasn't sold, but they wasn't NOT sold, was they? After all, you can't dust for vomit."
Sadly, Jim was embroiled in a race row when the new album's ninth single, Samantha Mumba (What Kind of Coon Name Is That Like?!) was premiered on VH1. The song featured Eric Clapton on drums, Michael Richards rapping through a quasimidi vocoder, Jim's 14-year old neighbour Frederick playing the octocontrabass clarinet, and his mother Mam Corr on the tin whistle. The lyrics were mumbled by a clearly-intoxicated Jim: "Hey, Hey, my n###ah! We've gotta ride the tide over the side, of the edge, of the square world, champ". The video featured footballer Paolo di Canio parading around his bedroom in a bathrobe, repeatedly giving the fascist salute while he gave Ron Atkinson a hum-job. For the Humvee.
In August 2009, Jim agreed to be interviewed by Ray Darcy on his radio show, to discuss the Mon's career revival and bizarre personal life. However, the interview did not go well and a severely inebriated Jim left the studio after just 2 minutes 34 seconds, but not before saying this:
|I just wanted to come on here and say to you people out there, all o' youse, that I can be a right minge merchant when I wanna be. Last night I got plastered with me mate Alan Sugar, who by the way is a proper piss artist, and I took a bird home for a bit o' messin'. Long-story short, I wake up the next day, with an arse like the back of Batman's car. And I see that she had a face like a bleedin' melted wheelie-bin! Madonna-mia! It would turn your bollocks square so it would! But still... She was a woman. She had a gee the size of the flamin' Battleship Potemkin! So I'm not a bufty. And Shuggs will back me up on that.|
It was announced on tedflugentaloysiusjimmontercorr.com that Jim would perform at the Shaftesbury Dustbin Festival in November 2009. Jim received support act billing as rapcore act Crazy Town and a Grateful Dead tribute band called We're Dead Grateful! co-headlined, with Punch & Judy opening the show.
In 2012, Jim was paid €90 for just two weeks of work as a sign waver for the tasty rectangular treats Pop Tarts®. When asked about the exciting project, Flugent commented that he frequently enjoyed the delicious toaster pastries while watching American Pie. "Also, the name reminds me of my sisters!" he bellowed. "Just kidding! Ha ha ha! But seriously, these things are Joylicious™. Make sure and put that." The earnings were supposed to go towards Jimbo's new album, but he blew the lot by getting drunk in Dundalk (3 pints of Stella with the soup of the day). Then he bought the Only Fools and Horses DVD and two tins of Quality Street. These were quickly stolen by scumbags. Jim is currently broke.
edit 1995: Jim Corr's Big Guinness Drinking & Puke-Yer-Guts-Up Challenge
AKA Jimbo's Big Bimbo Big Garden Jumbo Shindig, Ho-down near Motown (Windsor is just south of Detroit, Michigan), Jim Corr's Super-Sweet Chug-Fest, The Klunge Club, or Manto-Fest '95.
With the help of close friend Alan Partridge, who stepped forward as MC, El Monerino created a special one-off barbecue fundraiser in aid of debilitating illness BS. The box social took place in Jimo's front garden in his Windsor shag pad. The goal... is SOUL! - no it was actually to drink 14 cans of Guinness (no more, no less), clutch the testicles of the person to your left for 19 minutes, slap your ass loudly while saying "Pubic hair" and then finishing by puking for as long as you possibly can. The winner of the esteemed competition was Des Lynam (3 hours 17 minutes and 41 seconds). With a new world record time - beating the old one by over 3 hours - good ol' Des raised precisely $62 for BS charities. He also won a trip to rehab. Of course he is Irish, how could he not win? Very tricky, Dessy-boy! Very tricky!
The shindig culminated in a special auction of Jimbo's 1955 Cadillac, which was emblazened with the words Shaggin' Wagon. This was not a fitting title. The banger sold for $2,200, going to a mystery buyer known only as Mr. Robert Tiberius Milhouse David, residing at the Ear Nose and Throat Ward, Hôtel-Dieu Grace Hospital, Windsor, Ontario. Phone number 519-735-4611. Ask for Bob.
Soon after the wonderful barbecue ended, Jim was spotted by neighbours on his hands and knees in his garden, digging frantically with his hands. Sweat ran freely from his brow, and his teeth were gritted as he unearthed his prize with frantic determination. By the time he had exhumed the little boy's corpse, he was unfortunately "no longer in the mood," as he told Oprah in 2001.
edit TV talk show The Mouth aka C'Mon The Mon! (working title)
The Mon briefly was the host, in his briefs, of UKTV Conquest's flagship chat show The Mouth, a talk show that broke with the convention of a host interviewing a changing rota of guests. Instead, The Mouth featured a series of interviews with Jim (as stated, he was clad only in his underwear), each conducted by a randomly chosen special guest celebrity interviewer. The show's unusual format, selective appeal, and dismal audience share meant that it only lasted for five episodes, each just 10 minutes long. However, Jim was quoted as having fully enjoyed such an "amasing" experience and had no regrets at the TV network's decision to leave his show "behind."
Episode One: A New Hope with Bill Cosby
Cosby owed a favour to an old friend who served as producer on the show, and so agreed to a one-off appearance. His interview with Jim did not go smoothly, as The Mon continually shocked Cosby with his drunken outbursts on why Martin Luther King was really a sexist. He then complimented Cosby on his performance in The Shawshank Redemption and invited him for a spot of fliffing.
Episode Two: Episode Harder with Bertie Ahern
The Bertie was left "flummoxed" after The Mon reacted badly to the former Taoiseach's appearance. The Mon roared "Traitor!" at the top of his voice for 5 full minutes, before calling Enda Kenny a "windbag" and saying that Irish politics was "nuttier than a shithouse rat".
Episode Three: Three's A Crowd with Meg Ryan
The Mon showed a more considerate and caring side in this 10 minute love-in, as Ryan proceeded to fall asleep on the couch while Jim fondly recalled (to no-one in particular) how he used to spend his childhood summer holidays in Kent, flashing the local pensioners ("with my willy!") and burning ants with a magnifying glass.
Episode Four: Stand By Me with Fatboy Slim
The series really kicked off with this masterpiece, as Fatboy and The Mon smoked skunk and each played an impromptu DJ set for the studio audience. They hastily announced plans to form a band together, and revealed their shared hatred of Russell Brand. Fatboy was arrested the next morning for puking on a blind man's guide dog, while Jim fell into a ditch in Meath and had to be rescued by mushroom farmers at 4am. Russell Brand was found tied-up and gagged in a Dublin hotel later that day, having been repeatedly sodomised by two masked intruders.
Episode Five: Monster Mash with George W. Bush
This interview was cancelled abruptly after just 9 seconds. The show was never screened again. The Mon was forbidden to come "within 500 yards of Mr. Bush, Mrs. Bush, any of their children, and especially not their traumatised Jack Russell terrier Bingo.
edit 1996 violent rape incident
A life-changing event was to occur on 13 June 1996, or Black Thursday as it came to be known. The Mon was on the main street in Tullamore, on his way to Chartbusters to rent a film ("preferably one with some ridin' in it" as he later told Gerry Ryan), when disaster struck. Local gardai stopped The Mon at 5pm for alleged 'public drunkenness' and forced him to lean over the hood of their car. They carefully stripped him of his clothes and undergarments, beating him senseless with a wooden shoe, before penetrating the quivering Mon repeatedly with their fearsome man swords. One by one the ruthless Gardai spent their loads into The Mon, by this stage screaming himself into delirium. All nine guards had relations with Jim, before piling into their crowded Toyota and racing away in fits of laughter. Before they took their exit, however, it is believed that they complimented The Mon on his 'exquisite anus' and told him to give them a call should he require additional servicing - "Just call 999!"
As with most rapes, the public's perception of the victim was altered greatly following the event. Like all rape victims, Jim was deemed to be "asking for it" and "hurtin' for a squirtin'" by the media. This corresponded with a Sky News poll that revealed 98% of the public felt that rapes generally occurred because of women (or men) dressing in a provocative manner, rendering themselves irresistible to the 'rapers' and bringing it about through their own naivete. Of course, in Mon's case, some felt that he secretly wanted to be raped that evening, thereby explaining his attire, consisting of 6" platform shoes, blue hot pants, fishnet stockings, a Hulk Hogan-style feather boa and a low-cut halter top. Rumours that he also sported platinum earrings in the shape of a man's linus have yet to be confirmed.
edit Personal life
Married to Linda Martin since 1976, however, The Mon doesn't know this himself, so keep it under your hat. You'll get a right fuckin' hiding off of Packie Bonner if you blab. The Mon also carries no less than 22 condoms at all times, "one for every toe, one for every finger, one for my willy, and one left for spare," he frequently reasons. Sylvester Stallone also carries 22 condoms; however, this is because he has 22 penises and is prone to random spells of heavy ejaculation. So, em, basically... don't take steroids, ya dig?
edit Alcohol abuse
The Mon's tendency to sip a 'Cock-tail' made up of the German wine Hock and a quart of male sperm - donated to him by John Goodman - has caused problems for him in recent years. Mon frequents all the trendy LGBT bars in his hometown, and runs up huge tabs with his insatiable demand for booze and trannies. Loan sharks and debt collectors have his mobile number on speed-dial number 8. Tragically, his beloved penis was snapped off by a local gangster who was owed €44 by Corr. Locals overheard the mobster screaming "I'll give you what-for, you wine-and-spunk drinking son of a bastard!" He then took away The Mon's appendage; it is believed to be 'erected', if you'll pardon the pun, atop a flagpole in Dundalk town centre. Whenever The Corrs are played on local radio, the knob is flown at half-mast, out of pity.
edit Crossword puzzle addiction
The Mon has never completed a crossword in his life; this despite the fact that he spends every waking moment with his ridiculous nose buried in a crossword book. The longest clue he ever answered correctly was a 5-letter word, widely believed to be 'jelly'. The normally calm Mon Ter Corr becames quite ill-tempered when he fails his latest puzzle (sample quote: "Kiss my sweaty balls, ya fat fuck!"). The Mon will then remove his Hjungar-Garnis toupee and smear grapefruit juice across his bald dome, in an attempt to "make amasing brains"; however this technique has sadly proved quite ineffective.
edit I Am Become Racist
Mon caused controversy with a June 2009 appearance on Have I Got News For You when he attempted to join in the witty colloquy of Jimmy Carr and Paul Merton with the following bizarre quip: "Have you ever noticed that if you rearrange the letters in 'illegal immigrants' and add a few more letters, it actually spells out: 'Fuck off and go home all you benefit-stealing, kid-producing, no-English-speaking cocksuckers, and take those hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-fucking, mutton-eating, smelly raghead bastards with you!' How weird is that?!" Understandably, Carr and Merton were shocked by the remarks and immediately lambasted Corr for his ignorance, backwardness, and his chronic flatulence. The Mon looked hurt by the criticism and tearfully asked Carr, "How can you do this to me!" We have almost the same name! Bruther! Just take away the 'a'! And add an 'o'! You get Jimbo Corr! Oh Bruther! I guess it's true! Thunder only happens when it's raining!" On the plus side, Jeremy Clarkson laughed his head off at the funny.
In February 2013 Jim Corr was forcibly ejected from the Nakamoto funeral mass in Sligo for wearing a purple cowboy hat. However this was later established to be a cover-up, the guilty party in this case being the rather flamboyant Father Houlihan. Subsequent rumours emerged suggesting the true incident actually involved offensive jokes being made in the presence of the bereaved - one example being 'Two Chinamen walk into a bar... So the barman says, Why the same face?' Apparently the ones who properly understood it went totally mental. Jim made no comment on the matter, evading the Sligo paparazzi and making his way back to Dundalk by private limousine. Later that night he did post a Twitter status consisting of a sole word; "LOL" and thereafter deleted his account. The cheeky tosser. Nobody told him that his joke was bollocks.
edit What Just Happened?
Very early in the morning, the chief priests, with the elders, the teachers of the law and the whole Sanhedrin, reached a decision. They bound Jimsus, led him away and handed him over to Pilate. "Are you the king of the Corrs?" asked Pilate. "Yes, it is as you say," Jimsus replied.
The chief priests accused him of many things. So again Pilate asked him, "Aren't you going to answer? See how many things they are accusing you of."
But The Mon still made no reply, and Pilate was amazed.
Now it was the custom at the Feast to release a prisoner whom the people requested. A man called Barabbas was in prison with the insurrectionists who had committed murder in the uprising. The crowd came up and asked Pilate to do for them what he usually did.
"What shall I do, then, with the one you call the king of the Corrs?" Pilate asked them.
"Crucify him!" they shouted. "Why? What crime has he committed?" asked Pilate. But they shouted all the louder, "Crucify him!"
Wanting to satisfy the crowd, Pilate released Barabbas to them. He had Jimsus flogged, and handed him over to be crucified.
edit The Soldiers Mock The Mon
The soldiers led J.C. (Jim Corr aka Jesus H. Christ) away into the palace and called together the whole company of soldiers. They put a purple robe on him, then twisted together a crown of thorns and set it on him. And they began to call out to him, "Hail, king of the Corrs!" Again and again they struck him on the head with a staff and spit on him. Falling on their knees, they paid homage to him. And when they had mocked him, they took off the purple robe and put his own clothes on him. Then they led him out to crucify him.
edit The Crucifixion
They brought Jimsus to the place called Golgotha (which means The Place of the Skull). Then they offered him wine mixed with myrrh, but he did not take it. And they crucified him. Dividing up his clothes, they cast lots to see what each would get. It was the third hour when they crucified him. The written notice of the charge against him read: THE KING OF THE CORRS. They crucified two robbers with him, one on his right and one on his left. Those who passed by hurled insults at him, shaking their heads and saying, "So! You who are going to destroy the temple and build it in three days, come down from the cross and save yourself!"
In the same way the chief priests and the teachers of the law mocked him among themselves. "He saved others," they said, "but he can't save himself! Let this Mon, this King of Corrs, come down now from the cross, that we may see and believe." Those crucified with him also heaped insults on him.
edit The Death of Jimsus
At the sixth hour darkness came over the whole land until the ninth hour. And at the ninth hour The Mon cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?" —meaning, "My God, my God, I Never Really Loved You Anyway." When some of those standing near heard this, they said, "Listen, he's calling Elijah." But Elijah did not appear.
One man ran, filled a sponge with wine vinegar, put it on a stick, and offered it to Jesus to drink. "Now leave him alone. Let's see if Elijah comes to take him down," he said.
He spoke the soldiers: "Thou art forgiven but not forgotten." And then, with a loud cry, Jim Corr breathed his last.
The curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. And when the centurion, who stood there in front of The Mon, heard his cry and saw how he died, he said, "Surely this man was the Son of God!"
Some women were watching from a distance. Among them were Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James the younger and of Joses, and Salome. In Galilee these women had followed him and cared for his needs. Many other women who had come up with him to Jerusalem were also there.
edit The Burial of Jim
It was Preparation Day (that is, the day before the Sabbath). So as evening approached, Joseph of Arimathea, a prominent member of the Council, who was himself waiting for the kingdom of God, went boldly to Pilate and asked for Jim's body. Pilate was surprised to hear that he was already dead. Summoning the centurion, he asked him if Jesus had already died. When he learned from the centurion that it was so, he gave the body to Joseph. So Joseph bought some linen cloth, took down the body, wrapped it in the linen, and placed it in a tomb cut out of rock. Then he rolled a stone against the entrance of the tomb. Mary Magdalene and Mary the mother of Joses saw where he was laid.
When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so that they might go to anoint The Mon's body. Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb and they asked each other, "Who will roll the stone away from the entrance of the tomb?" But when they looked up, they saw that the stone, which was very large, had been rolled away. As they entered the tomb, they saw a young man dressed in a white robe sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed.
"Don't be alarmed," he said. "You are looking for Jim the Mon, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid him. But go, tell his disciples and Peter, He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you."
"Say what?" replied the women. "He hast runaway!" spoke the man.
Trembling and bewildered, the women went out and fled from the tomb. They said nothing to anyone, because they were afraid.