Jim Carrey
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Jim Carrey is a famous Canadian plumber, mainly known for his impersonation of Hermann Göring that cost him his life on a 4th grade science fair in 1873. His trademark was thick eyebrows and chlamydia. His famous method of being funny is to do slapstick at completely random times and think he's god. This is showcased in his movie ADD moron Jim Carrey almighty
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[edit] Early life
While caught up in one of his regular sunday afternoon orgey sessions a young Albert Einstein realised his third law of physics which states,"each action must have an equal and opposite reaction". As a result of this breakthrough it was decided that,in order for boring people like Pat "The Plank" Kenny and Buzz Killington to continue clogging up the worlds Airwaves with "interesting stories about bridges", a supreme being whose bone marrow was actually pure highly concentrated hilarity would need to be created. The result was a canadian man by the name Jim Carrey.
Due to the high levels of hilarity in his blood stream poor little Jim could not be implanted in a human woman so instead ,after years of searching, David Attonborough decided the only suitable candidate in nature would be a Rhino by the name of Jenine whom David had spent a "fun weekend" with after "mistakingly" eating some magic mushrooms.
Jim Carrey spent his earlier years as a gangster, until he joined the Starfox team. He is now completely loyal to Starfox, and wanders around in a birdsuit calling himself 'Falco Lombardi.'
Jim Carrey was born "Wiploc" in the Moon to the north of the USA and has been called "Man on the Moon" ever since. In 1987 he migrated with fellow Alien Jeff Goldblum into the USA where they met Geena Davis who shaved them. He was jealous as Geena preferred Jeff to him, but he was happy that she shaved of his bright red body fur. Yep, even "down there".
In 1990 he signed on to Halliburton's In Living Color experimental antimatter energy project, in which Jim was used as a catalyst and regulator for the beings of pure antimatter, the Wayans Brothers, who, by simply talking, could generate enough primordial pasta to provide America with 85% of its total power needs. Carrey's appearances on the show led 85% of viewers to attempt to adjust the color on their television screens during his appearances.
He survived an assassination attempt performed by Morgan Freeman's ex-wife Morgan Jackson(previously Freeman) in 1991 in which Jim was injected with DNA from Alec Baldwin, in an attempt to transform Jim into one of the Baldwin Brothers. If it had succeeded, the next contact that Jim would have had with a Wayans Brother would have destroyed the whole Earth in a deluge of primordial pasta. However, Jim's robust Canadian immune system rejected the Baldwin DNA, and In Living Color continued for a few more =STOP SAYING SH** ABOUT MEEEE BECAUSE I WAS NEVER BORN OUT OF A FU***** RHINOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Jim Carrey was once known as god of the comedians, but then he was striked down to earth by Black God, Morgan Freeman because Jim Carrey called him a fucking nagger, in which the Black God took to offence and smited him like a burnt potato==
Jim Carrey was wanted by police for being a fucking idiot in public. He was caught and arrested for taking a shit at the Kodak Theatre because he wanted to leave a brown stain on the red carpet during the upcoming Academy Awards saying that the members of the Academy "Are pieces of fucked up shit and they can walk on mine for all I care!" He was later cained after pleading guilty for being such a shit to the public. His ass was so sore that any time he farted loud, he screamed in pain. He recently was arrested at a local Starbucks for smashing his dick and nuts with a toilet seat lid and was sent to Alcatraz to live out his days being a scroungey fuck to himself.
[edit] Career
In 1994 Carrey had cosmetic surgery, he had laser treatment to prevent his red body hair from regrowing, especially on his ass. He didn't like being white so he sold his white skin pigments to his dad then had face recoloring surgery to look green, as seen in "The Mask" and "The Grinch". He also has an all over green body suit that he wears when making out with Drew Barrymore, or having threesomes with the two faces of Tommy and Lee Jones. In 1998 many thought he was mentally ill, and a liar, he called himself Charlie and believed everyone was watching him, he was right and found out he was imprisoned inside walmart, then escaped. in 2003 Jim Carrey became "God" when Al Gore abdicated.
In 2009, he became the first man on the West Pole. Of course, no one believed him and he quickly became a member of Scientology because he liked tomato soup so much. Richard Simmons has been rumored to call Carrey an "inspiration for both sexes" and long worked as Jim's sparring partner (2003-2099).
When the double DVD of Walt Disney's famous The Lion King first came out in 1672, Jim claimed to have written the script, produced and directed the movie and claimed 50% of its income. In 2011, after a short relationship with his penis, and Mister Rogers , he married Brad Pitt and adopted 5000 kids, Ludwig van Beethoven, Timon and Rupert Grint(Grint sadly passed away three years before his birth from a terrible toilet accident.
Jim Carrey is known to talk shit. He does so in many movies and in interviews.
Jim Carrey is known to take a shit on command. One time he did while at the premiere of Man on the Moon in 1999.
Whilst filming on the set of Bruce Almighty, Carrey contradicted himself by making a monkey crawl out of a black man's arse. Carrey later went on to regret the decision, eaten a donut the day before Carrey was hysterical and decided to give the black man some friend chicken, and made the monkey crawl back up the black man's arse. Having to inject himself with pure Diet Coke, this made his hair fall out, his eyes turn fully black and he developed the power to jump up to 700000 meters high. He couldn't walk or drive anymore to work. Only crawl to work after eating 50 cans of noodles.
[edit] Shit Cooking Recipes
So you have come to explore the wonderful world of Jim Carrey's Recipes. Jim Carrey is not just famous for his hilarious, shit your pants psycho comedy. He is also famous for his hilarious disgusting cooking recipes and has published his first book called, 'Cooking with Jim Carrey'. Here are a list of his recipes: (just to name a few)
[edit] Jim Carrey's Shit Dip:
Ingredients:
- 1/2 cup of Moose Shit
- 2 cups of purified nachos
- 1 table spoon of Jim Carrey's underwear and shit
- 500 cups of pepper
- 1 whole bottle of Jim Carrey's Special Brand fart scent in a baby bottle.
Preheat oven to 1000Cْ for a fan forced oven.
Step 1: Get a large bowl and add the shit and underwear.
Step 2: Pour in the purifies nachos and salt
Step 3: For god sake just add the rest!
Step 4: Mix everything together and when everything is combined, pull down your pants and shit out everything into the bowl.
Step 5: Eat it and throw it up back into the bowl again.
Step 6. Dip in your nachos and enjoy. “Yeah, that’s right. I made you put on the oven for nothing you fucker!” - Jim Carrey
(I really really tried to be funny here. Talking as much as I can about bodily fluids. It works in my preschool, so I guess it must work here too! ENJOY your poopy food! AHIHIIHI, I even crack myself up.)
[edit] Jim Carrey's Shit n' Scoop Dish
Ingredients:
- 1 teaspoon of Jim Carrey's Special Brand Gruppa
- 8000 Onions
- 10 Gumnuts and 100000000 Garlics
- 8 of Jim Carrey's Special Brand Grease Tablets mixed with shirt buttons
Preheat oven to 1/2 a degree
Step 1: Mix all the shit together.
Step 2: Fart and piss in the bowl
Step 3: Eat it all up
Bless you if you at least live for another second or so.
Also Available in his book:
- Jim's Fingernail and cheese infused shit stir fry
- Poopy Pudding
- Ear Wax Honey
- Hairy Leg Soup
- Tadpole shit ice cream
- McAusten Carrots
- The Mask Brand Cheese with Shit
- Cable Cake
- Ace Gruel
- Shit Flavored Freckles
- Shit Flavored Shit
- Shit Flavored Ass
- Shit Flavored Mask
- sperm and piss soup
- Shit Flavored Penis
- Shit flavored Cereal with Piss milk
- Cum filled doughnuts
- Diahrea soup
This guy can't even make toast.
[edit] Later life
After a long career as a janitor in the White House, Jim moved with his wife to Africa where he will die of heartburn after eating too many skittles (2025).
Currently, Jim resides in an igloo in "Canada" monitoring hockey player's activities in their spare time via a tracking device in their bladder. The fortress was made out of ice because Jim is currently broke having spent all of the millions he made from films on a series of 23 botched penile enhancement surgeries performed by noted penile specialist Howard Dean.
Jim is an ardent fan of death metal. No, really. He even went fanboi over Cannibal Corpse and demanded they be in Ace Ventura 1! You couldn't make this up! HE ACTUALLY LIKES DEATH METAL. O.o
Jim enjoys maple syrup on his toes (a strange fetish of his) and taking short walks on his roof, shagging Drew Barrymore's dog Mister Rogers.
Carrey is rumored to be interested in the upcoming film version of The Ashes. However he does not like cricket. Or maybe he does! Which is odd as he is not Australian.
Carrey once teamed up with U.S. Marshall and Ultimate Law Enforcer Tommy Lee Jones in an attempt to kill a Toilet for reportedly eating his poop that he tried so hard to make all that time.
Carrey is the biggest fan of Peewee Herman.
Jim Carrey was last seen on the road with Tommy Lee Jones doing a stand-up act as Riddler and Two-Face recalling their times when they want to torture Joel Schulmacher for being such a fudgepacking dick around them and how they wanted to castrate him in the worst way during the filming of Batman Forever. They were in their full characters the whole time when one of them tied him down and took a giant shit down his throat while the other cut his dick off and jammed it up his ass. Critics say that the act was quote "Disturbing and so fucked up!"
On weekends Carrey likes to go to Ed Mcmahon's house and take a shit on his door step and spell in that shit "Stop copying me!" on his mailbox.
[edit] Filmography
To Date:
- 1980 - Rubber ass
- 1983 - Fucker Mountain
- 1991 - Dr. "Pippi Longstocking" McAusten (As Dr. "Pippi Longstocking" McAusten)
- 1994 - Ace Ventura A-Hole Detective
- 1995 - The Mask (Fetish Fulfilled) (As the Mask)
- 1995 - Leather and Rubber
- 1995 - Blackmail FOREVER (The Whole Nine Inches) (As Himself)
- 1995 - Ace Ventura: When Michael Jackson Calls (As Ace Ventura)
- 1996 - The Ready Willing and Able Guy
- 1997 - Liar Liar ...ive strung up my balls with barbed wire
- 1998 - The Truman night-show
- 1999 - Man on the boner
- 2000 - Me Myself and your mother
- 2000 - How the Bitch stole my Anal Beads
- 2003 - Boner Almighty (As Bruce)
- 2004 - Michael Jacksons's A Series of Unfortunate Boners (As Count Olaf)
- 2005 - Fun With Cock and Balls
- 2007 - The Number 23 (comes after the number 22)
- 2008 - Whore-ton Hires a Ho (as Horton)
- 2008 - Yes Man (he does the same thing he does in liar liar but can only say yes. He says yes to raping men for a shower every morning...just incase no-one knew)
- 2009 - God Help Me, I'm Still not Funny
- 2009 - 29 Laughter-Free Years : A Celebration of Jim Carrey's Career
