Jihad Jane is an alias used by figure skater Colleen Renee LaRose (born November 12th, 1980), a “home grown” terrorist from the United States, who is currently under Federal indictment for attempting to recruit Islamic extremists for the purpose of killing artist Lars Vilks. LaRose is also believed to be the mastermind behind the 9/11 attack on Nancy Kerrigan by a growing legion of conspiracy theorists.
Born in rural Pennsylvania to a coal mining family, LaRose grew up in what can only be described as abject squalor by using the Ayn Rand standard deviation formula (quantity of rusted car parts in the yard divided by the number of mobile homes per square mile multiplied by the local percentage of mullets per 100 men). It’s possible to duplicate the spirit of these grim circumstances by repeatedly listening to the Billy Joel song “Allentown” while hitting yourself in the head with a small rubber mallet.
Despite this rough upbringing, she became quite resourceful at using the materials available to her in order to excel and live a life of simulated normalcy. One example of that skill was turning her extended families love for excessive consumption of alcohol into the creation of a professional quality ice rink in her backyard, every winter, through a complex system of planned urination. While her brothers ended up becoming coal miners or professional hockey players, LaRose’s interests would turn to figure skating and radical Islamic fundamentalism.
Islamic Indoctrination On Ice
LaRose was first indoctrinated into Islamic fundamentalism in the mid-90's while in High School. Programs that were instituted by the Clinton Administration at the time included items like "Muslim Pen Pals" and "Meet A Mullah" that had a profound effect on the young teen. It was through these correspondences the she learned about the Qur'an and the prophet Muhammad skating his way into the record books during the 590AD Mecca Olympics.
LaRose became a fervent admirer of Muhammad's teachings, world records and Olympic Gold Medals but the ability to realize similar aspirations were hindered by her short lived romances with rednecks and a genuine lack of championship caliber talent at figure skating. Despite this, LaRose worked hard on her technique and simultaneously became an expert at dodging the flailing fists and hurled hubcaps of her boyfriend du jour. Eventually, LaRose qualified for the US National Championships in 1998. Unfortunately, she was continually outperformed throughout the competition by All-American girl Nancy Kerrigan.
9/11 Attack and Aftermath
On September 11th, 1998, two hijacked commercial airliners slammed into Nancy Kerrigan during her closing routine at the US Figure Skating Championships. Kerrigan fell to the ice when American Airlines Flight 11 broadsided her during the execution of a double axel followed by Kerrigan getting shoved into the boards when United Airlines Flight 175 crashed into her back. Despite the obvious gain realized by LaRose for the penalties incurred by Kerrigan, blame for the incident was immediately placed on Al Qaeda after Osama Bin Laden claimed responsibility for the attack but the tragedy has sparked numerous, differing theories as to who was actually to blame. A growing consensus of alternative researchers is now promoting LaRose as the mastermind of 9/11 and consider the attack an important, unheeded warning sign of the sinister plot to come.
What can't be denied is the effect this incident had on Colleen LaRose. Despite being helped by Kerrigan's misfortune, she still failed miserably on the ice. Ultimately, LaRose's inability to perform a triple axel jump while wearing a burqa cost her any chance of winning a title. LaRose left the championships bitter and never skated again. Soon thereafter she stopped dating men, took to the internet as "Jihad Jane" and began her eccentric online rendition of Tokyo Rose for the cause of global Jihad.
Swedish artist Lars Vilks has been the target of several death threats by Islamic clerics since 2007 due to his pencil sketch of Islam’s holy prophet, Muhammad, about to indulge in a large, tasty hot dog. The Islamic State Of Iraq, an umbrella organization for various Jihadists, placed a $100,000 bounty for the killing of Vilks with an additional $50,000 in cash and prizes if the assassination was particularly stylish and entertaining. Artistic representations of Muhammad and death threats normally form a dyad similar to chocolate and peanut butter but it’s uncertain as to whether the hot dog warranted this larger than normal bounty. The bottom line is that anyone who was willing to kill someone for daring to draw the face of a man with Muslim style facial hair and the name "Muhammad" assigned to the image by employing a pointing arrow was officially cleared for the sanctioned assassination of the offending party.
This controversy became a prime mover for Jihad Jane and the focus of her yearning for revenge against western society. The Vilks drawing was more than just generally offensive to LaRose, it portrayed Muhammad lustily yearning for the secular thrill of hot weenies, soft buns and delicious, dripping mustard. Needless to say, it was a little too close to home for a woman who had personally tasted hundreds of hot dogs in her secular years and was now attempting to be androgynous and asexual. Beginning in 2008, LaRose started actively recruiting disenchanted, triple divorced, former debutantes (and former brunettes) to fulfill the holy fatwa.
Finding impressionable and disillusioned middle-age women in America was easy for LaRose, especially with social networking sites like Facebook at her disposal. She managed to attract a small yet zealous circle of female followers who also enjoyed videos of American troops being killed, sunsets and long walks on the beach. The plan was simple. The newly formed team would move to Sweden and take modeling jobs for products related to aging and incontinence. After establishing the appearance of normal citizenry they would then perform a daring suicide bombing. The plan was to strap plastic explosives to themselves and deliver the charges by tobogganing down a small hill near the artist's home and detonating on impact with the building's foundation.
The plot began to unravel quickly after members of the conspiracy didn't practice common discretion on the very social networking websites that brought the group together in the first place. LaRose herself even formed Facebook groups titled "I bet I can find 1,000,000 people who would kill Lars Vilks" and "I'm part of a conspiracy to kill Lars Vilks". Needless to say, arrests were quickly made and all of the conspirators face a litany of charges capable of putting them in prison for the rest of their lives. It is expected that the upcoming trials of the defendants will be a carnival side show that will ultimately create new jobs for hundreds of unemployed pundits worldwide.