Jewish History

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Jewish History.
“Don't blame me.”
~ God on Jewish History
“The estimated age of Israel is 60 years.”
~ ask your grandmother on Jewish History
“I just wanted to be more famous than John Lennon.”
~ Jesus on Jewish History
“I just wanted to give them a climactic ending. But would they have it? NO!”
~ Hitler on Jewish History

On the sixth day God created man and he saw that it was very good. Sometime after the sixth day but before the seventh he cut half of the man's penis off, and he saw that it was excellent. But creating was tiring work, so God thought the man might as well do it himself. And so God took a rib out of the man and created woman, and said "Phooaar! I'd like one of those for myself one day!" But he let the man and the woman get on with it and has been watching ever since.

Circumcision
"Jesus H Christ, look at the size of this kid"


The Beginnings: Abraham, Itzhac and Jacob

Although the proof exists that there were several Jews before him, most investigators claim that a Chaldean youngster called Abram, who lived about the time of King Hammurabi, was the first. One day he told his father Terach, "Hey, I'm not a Chaldean any more, from now on I'm a Jew, deal with it". Shamash, the God of Justice (the one who dictated the Code of The 282 Laws to Hammurabi) got so shocked that he immediately merged himself into a big PorkHead that shouted at Abram "Go away from your father's house, away from your homeland, away from your land". Since then, every respectable Jew refuses to eat pork. Abram was so ashakfdkytrkrmde he changed his name to Abraham so no other Chaldean would recognize him and promised to find a new home for he and his wife Sarai (disguised now as Sara), in the land of his dreams: a land full of tiny little smiling dwarfs (along with Snow White) who gave honey and milk to every stranger, the promised land, the holy land. But he lost his way to Armenia and got to Canaan instead.

When he arrived he felt a strong need to kick the Palestinians out, but they didn't exist yet, so he got really bored. Then he went to a tent and fucked his wife non-stop for 50 years, until he got her pregnant at the age of one hundred. The Arabs believe that one day Sara started with the "I have a headache" thing, so Abraham got his slave-maid pregnant. Sara understood the message: she kicked the slave and the baby bastard out, and kept serving Abraham as she did before. Sara gave birth to a boy who was so incredibly ugly, that even his own mother laughed at him and called him Isaac (in Hebrew: Itzchak, from the word "laugh").

Isaac, less retarded than his father, got married at the age of 40 to his Chaldean cousin, the lovely Rebeca. He quickly had two children with her, then never touched her again and enjoyed from the wide variety of local Canaanite slaves. The two kids were called Jacob and Esau. They were young and had no television, so they hated each other for fun. But Jacob grew meaner each year. One day he even refused to give a tasty plate of red beans to his hungry brother. Esau tried to be a good brother and set things up by giving him his birthright. But when Jacob robbed Esau's blessings from his father, he got really really angry. Now it was something personal. He wasn't going to stop until he ripped the little motherfucker. So the fucking coward ran away. He married his cousins Lia and Rachel and cheated both with Bala and Zelpha.

The Mean Jacob, even less respectful of women than his father and grandfather, made 12 boys from two wives and two slaves. He also had a girl, but of course, she doesn't count.

Some say Abraham, Isaac and Jacob sold their souls to an Arab genius known as God, who paid them with a written paper which stated that Jews are the legal owners of Canaan for all eternity, a paper known as The Torah, delivered a few centuries later to Moses. Others say they only sold the the unnecessary sking virility and eternal descendance. That belief gave birth to the myth about the great business and economic skills of the Jews. However, nowadays Jews regret that their forefathers didn't sign for protection against Aman and his gang of time traveling evil rulers (A.T.T.E.R).

Egypt

Joseph and the arrival

Joseph was Jacob's second youngest son. He had superpowers. At the age of 5 he made twelve wheat sticks disappear using only his brainwaves. At the age of 18 he dared to try the same trick with twelve stars, the moon, and the sun. That was a disgrace for the family honor, so his brothers sold the bastard to an Egyptian slave trader. He became a very valuable slave, given that he was one of the few in Egypt with such and advanced reading level, including both regular reading and dream reading. He was quickly bought by the Egyptian minister of information, propaganda, surveillance and social oppression( also called 'minister of enlightment of the masses' sorta like Gobbells), Amalek.

Joseph was better in bed than most Egyptians, according to the report given by the minister's wife, after being found in a compromising position with Joseph against her will (yeah, of course we all believe her). Joseph also claimed it was against his will (yeah, of course we believe him too), but Amalek sent him to prison anyway. But his superpowers got him out of prison and straight to the Pharaoh's office. The Pharaoh accepted him as his right hand after Joseph revealed that Omri Sharon ate seven fat cows that had previously eaten seven thin cows each. Joseph married a Pharaoh's relative, Asenet, from whom he had two sons: Ephraim and Manasses, who never liked the idea of being half Jew. Asenet was such a hotass but still not enough for Joseph's appetites since he was found squeezing the Pharaoh's wife too. The Pharaoh got so mad at Joseph that he decided to enslave all the Jews who were only 70 people by that time (Joseph's 11 brothers and their wives, who were all their Chaldean cousins too, and Joseph's 48 nephews, most of them diseased-born due to 3 generations of inbreeding). Joseph's great grandson, the historian Josephus Flavour, demonstrated centuries later that Joseph's affair with the Pharaoh's wife was just an excuse, and the Pharaoh was actually Aman's Time Travelling Evil Ruler number 001 (A.T.T.E.R 001) also known by his other nicknames: Tutankhamun, Ramses the Second and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad the First. Amalek had, meanwhile, bolted and set up suicide bomber camps with the intention of blowing up Joseph's people, but the Amalekites, as they became known, mostly succeeded merely in shouting insults at one another and blowing each other up.

Egypt-circumcision
Jews and their daily life at Egypt

The good ol' days

The Jews kept inbreeding with their cousins, grew from 70 to 600,000 people in few generations, and were forced by Pharaoh to build the landing platforms for the spaceships of the aliens who built the pyramids.

Leaving with Moses

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