Jewish Day Schools

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edit Their Control Over the Mind

Young Jewish children never intend to apply to Jewish Day Schools. However, their parents want their kids to "lead a happy Jewish life." Little do they know, that no matter where or what the school is, the kids will be taught jack squat about anything remotely Jewish.

edit How can the parents not see the crappiness of these schools??

Jewish parents go to Jewish temples, where they receive near-millions of pointless brochures on 'wonderful' Jewish schools. Sometimes, these parents visit the schools, and visit classes that are going on. However, they don't know that the kids and the teachers know before-hand that the parents will be coming, so up until a couple of minutes before the parents come and see, the children are acting like a zoo, and the teachers are drunk and passed out in a corner of the room after having given up trying to control them.

Right before parents come to see the classes, the teacher manages to gather the children up and make them seem like their learning. Once the parents have left, convinced that the school is wonderful for their child, the teacher continues to be passed out in the corner, and the students continue to act like a zoo.

edit Wow, what kinds of classes do these terrible schools teach?!

Like most normal schools, Jewish schools teach the basics, like sceince, math, english, and history. However, Jewish schools also add in some more different classes that pertain more to Judaism, such as Judaica (Jewish History), Hebrew Lessons, and there are also electives such as Israeli dance, cooking, and propaganda.

edit Hebrew Lessons

The highly trained staff goes to the streets of Israel to find any damned person that can speak hebrew, usually a homeless transvestite loving and caring Israelis who know how to proffesionaly deal with kids.

Devorah Shanavi, a hebrew teacher, speaks about her teaching skills and how she controls students:

"I scream and stamp feet for all of period. It is proven study to work and make children shut up."



Danielle Heinzberg, a very devoted seventh grader, talks about how much she learns from Hebrew lessons:

"I simply love the Hebrew language! A couple of days ago, my hebrew teacher had a couple of minutes before the period ended after she had finished yelling at kids, and she actually taught us how to say 'hello' in Hebrew! I'm so excited, because I had been wanting to know how to say that for the past 6 and a half years. Although I don't learn much normal vocacbulary from the Hebrew lessons, I still manage to pick up a lot of Hebrew profanity."

In contrast, Marcus Rubenstein who is an eighth grader with not so much devotion to learning the language, speaks about his experience during the lessons:

"The thing that I like the most about Hebrew lessons, is how the teacher can't control kids for beans. This one time, we were just chillin, and the teacher was trying to teach some shit like the past tense or whatever. Then just out of the blue, she starts screaming, and her face turned like, really red. After about like, ten minutes of constant yelling, she just stops, goes into her drawer under the computer, takes out some liquor, and drinks herself into passing out right infront of us. That was cool, man."

edit Judaica

The Judaica departments at Jewish Day Schools all teach about Jewish holidays, traditions, and about the Torah, which is the Jewish Bible. However wholesome these lessons may be, the students will most likely not remember a bit of what the teachers are saying.

A test was taken to see how much students from Jewish schools have learned from their Judaica classes, and the following are some questions with their most common answers:

According to the Torah, who was the first Jew?

Student Answer: Santa Claus.

What was the name of the genocide that killed almost six million jews?

Student Answer: Like, Easter or something.

What year was Israel created?

Student Answer: 2003.

How many books are in the Torah?

Student Answer: Who knows? It's all written in jibberish.

edit Electives

edit Israeli Cooking

In Israeli cooking, students sit and do homework watch the same damned Hebrew teachers professional Israeli chefs prepare food that was stolen from Arab culture Israeli cuisine.

edit Israeli Dance

In Israeli dance, students learn once again, something that was completely stolen from Arab culture, and then passed off as Israeli. I mean DAMN! These schools are fucking stupid. I'm surprised that it isn't illegal that they just steal every damn thing like that. authentic Israeli dance.

edit Israeli Propaganda

Technically, Israeli Propaganda isn't an elective, but it is more spread throughout all of the lessons that are taught at Jewish Schools. Such lies truths include the stories of how the Arabs stole everything from the Jews, and how every student must go to Israel before they enter high school, because it is a "wholesome experience that teaches children true spiritualism."

edit T'Filah

"T'Filah is the way that God makes it to the childrens' hearts."

~ Sh'mona Gutmann, teacher

"I like using the T'Filah periods to catch up with my friends."

~ Gabriel Floschman, 6th grade

"Dude, I'm God, and even I think that T'Filah services are stupid, boring, and pointless."

~ God

"My method of controlling children during T'Filah services is to stamp feet and scream at them. If that not work, I take them outside, and give them guilt-trip. If that still not work, I take them to my house and beat fucking shit out of them. That always work."

~ Havarit Goldit, teacher

"I remember one time, a teacher hit me lightly, and I told my parents, and she got fired. Now she lives in a box by the highway. The bitch deserves it, though, because I was only selling crack during the prayer services for six weeks before anyone noticed."

~ Shoshana Goldberg, 3rd grade

edit Physical Education

In all Jewish schools, the units in the physical education departments use an innovative and new technique of having children watch movies about sports, as opposed to actually playing them. For example, during the soccer unit, teachers make their students watch the movie "Bend it like Beckham," and then spend the rest of the time monitoring resting heart-rates.

On the topic of Jewish Day School PE lessons, the teacher Gornat Havel says:

"I believe that by simply sitting on huge sofas and drinking diet pepsi while watching movies about people playing sports is good enough of a physical education for anyone. The downsides of this way of teaching, however, is that the diet pepsi can get expensive, and the lawsuits from parents over their children being too 'Overweight' get annoying after the first ten every year. I, personally, think that 220 pounds at the age of 13 is not that bad. Afterall, I'm only 46 years old, and I weigh 430 pounds, and I'm teaching physical education! That should just show that you don't need to have a good body to be physically fit."

edit Jewish High Schools: After graduation

Once you graduate from a Jewish Day School, you'll most likely want to go to a normal public high school. If you for some reason want to go to a Jewish High School, then despite the fact that you were barely taught anything at the middle school, you've been brainwashed, and there's no reversing it.

Also, whether you want to go to a Jewish High School or not, you'll be pestered incessantly with brochures and shit like that to go to one. Even when you're done with College, these brochures will still be sent to you.

edit Conclusion

Judaism: cool. Almost as cool as Snow ninja

Teaching it: unbe-fucking-lievably stupid.

edit See Also

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