From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“...so where the hell was Biggles, when you needed him that Saturday?!”
“Who the hell are you and what the hell are you doing with my Grammy?”
Jethro Tull is the name traditionally used to refer to the entity or entities that are Jethro Tull, are old, and come from England. It should be noted that Jethro Tull is similar in structure to Christianity's Holy Trinity in that no one understands how it works, but it does make sense if you don't apply any logic to it. Jethro Tull is held to be a triumvirate of Jethro Tull the Farmer (Tull the Guy in some doctrines), Tull the Son, and Tull the Band. Tull the Farmer is also Tull the Son and Tull the Band who is also Tull the Farmer but not the son as that is Ian Anderson except when multiplied by 14. Ian Anderson is Tull the Farmer and approximately one-fifth of Tull the Band except when there's more than five of them or one is OD'd in which case this fraction is adjusted accordingly. For the purposes of readability this article will refer to Them (The Band), Him (the Farmer), It (Ian Anderson), and The Whole Fucking Lot of Them as 'Tull' and 'they'.
Jethro Tull, (the Guy and the Band), are, is, were, and always will be an agricultural flautet from England. Although there are conflicting accounts of when Tull formed (commonly cited dates being 1701 and 1967) Ian Anderson's appearance indicates both dates are equally plausible. Before eventually sticking with Jethro Tull, they were known by many names, including The Jethro Tull Experience, The Farmers, Tuul, Ultima Tüll, and Amon Tüül II. Specializing in playing the flute as it was all they could afford for most of their existance, Jethro Tull became a unique live-experience.
Being agriculturalists, Tull grew cannabis on a large scale Farm on a Freeway and distributed it as "merchandise". This was not their only influence however. They were also highly influenced by the hilarious hayseed antics of the Jethro Bodine character on the television comedy "The Beaver Lee Hillbillies." "Driving Song" was written as a tribute to him.
During the wild 1760's Jethro Tull was charged for sexual misconduct after playing at the court of Queen Catherine the Great of Russia. During the performance of Green Fingers, Red Handed the She-male keyboardist allegedly forced him/her/itself on the Queen's advisor. Not being first-pick the queen was furious and stormed out crying: "I can't even get intercourse with a tranny?" This led to a series of charges and the Tull was convicted to write and perform a song to Catherine called Heavy Horses.
Tull have also been oft criticized for their opinions on the role of women; a strong advocate of the horse-drawn hoe for weeding, they've constantly attracted flak from feminist groups over their stance. When questioned about this, Tull are on record as saying "Look, that's their place. We can't pick our own fucking weed, we're too busy flauting. Hoes are great for this task provided they're kept on a choker chain. At least it gets her out of the kitchen".
Jethro Tull has also been said to have performed at the Woodstock Festival in the Summer of '69, ironically with Bryan Adams who "played slap bass with his dick while Anderson blew his flute" After many years of masturdebating over this "appearance" there, Tull has denied any involvement with that 'sausage gathering'. Ian Anderson stated that "I don't know man... that was a bloody long time ago, but I do remember Bryan Adams tickled my monstrous testicles with a feather once or every other Saturday night back in '69. ... ... ... I miss that little bitch like the desert misses the rain."
More recently, Anderson was arrested in 2004 when he was found "sitting on a park bench, eyeing little girls with bad intent."
Rock & Roll (R&R) awardReally don't mind if you sing this one out! - Sir Jethro Tull Challenge, 1959
Jethro Tull is also famous for composing the only never-ending song in R&R history: Thick as Quikfix (an Irish/Scot/British slang meaning "dunce," "insensitive," "dumb-ass," "politician," et cetera) The song is so long and so quickly written by Tull that no R&R band has been able to sing it fast enough to catch up with Tull's even faster writing. Tull is still writing the lyrics and even the "rally" effort by the students of the top five R&R schools of UK & USA during "Live Aid," 1929 (wherein bands took "breathless" turns to catch up with Tull's quick composing) was a disappointing failure! Sir Tull continues to write at an alarming speed of 320 m per sec. ("sec." being an Irish/Scot/British slang for "sex") and the song remains unfinished. It has been established that even if Tull were to die today (thus hastening the end of Thick as Quikfix's composing), it would still be humanly impossible for any R&R artist to sing the whole song within the average human lifespan. The band was awarded an "R&R lifetime(?) achievement award" by Sir Grammys in 2000 for this unparalleled feat. At the award ceremony they were pelted with some kind of Wondrous Crimson liquid, sperm found in gutters, and at least one VERY Heavy Horse. These objects were thrown by angry Metallica fans.
The band is widely known across the world for their spectacular live-shows involving advanced pyro-technics, wild costumes, and free donuts. At a particular live-show in Alaska Jethro Tull himself (He, They, and It) was dressed as a boat, Martin Purré as Big Bird, Ian Anderson as a man who was too old to rock'n roll, too young to die, Jonathan Noise as a steel monkey and Andrew the keyboardist as a woman. They then spent the entire concert making jokes while tuning their instruments and ended the show by simply leaving a beggar and train on the stage.
Peter Gaybreal: Vocals, Flute
Ian Anderson: Flute, Soprano Saxflute
Martin Purré: Flute
Jonathan Noise: Drums.....naah, just kiddin': Flute
Andrew Sossity: Keyboard, Flute
Gerald Bostock: Flute, Brick, Frighteningly Large Ejaculation Probe
Karl Marx: Communism and Flute
Oscar Engels: Flute support
Ron Burgundy: Flute support (yazz flute)
Jeffrey Hammond-Hammond-Hammond-Hammond Weintraub: Base Flute, Organ
John Even: Samples of Flutes
Geoffery Mellotron-Mellotron: Synthesized Flute
David/Dee Palmer: Vagina Flute
Barriemore Barlow: Use your imagination
This Was the First Jethro Tull Album Known by Man (1968)
Stand Up Comedy (1969)
Too Bald To Rock 'n Roll: Too Hung To Cry (1976)
Thick As My Prick (1972)
Big as my Dick (1972.5)
A Passive Play (1973) (with an excerpt from "The Hare Who Lost His Testicles")
Minstrel In The Vocabulary (1978)
Pot Iceland (Live) (1979)
Wood from the Schlong (1977)
Heavy Horse, Dude (1978)
Live - Busting Out (1978) (live)
Broadband and the Beast (1982)
Under Blankets (1984)
Cardiff Racing (1991)
Boots to Sanchez (1995)
Pot Come (1999)
The Son of Mr. Green Genes (2001)
32 Years Of Jethro Tull (2000.)
Stop Laughing At Jethro Tull! (2002)
Kiss Miss Album (2003)
Secret Language of Grues: (200X)
Best of Jethro Tull (2007)
Best of Jethro Tull Limited Edition (2007)
Best of Jethro Tull Silver Edition (2007)
Best of Jethro Tull LIVE!!! (2007)
Best of Jethro Tull Ruby Edition (2007)
Best of Jethro Tull Remastered (2007)
Best of Jethro Tull Magnesium Edition (2007)
Best of Jethro Tull: Jethro Tull Edition (2007)
Best of Jethro Tull: Acoustic (with some Electric) (2007)
Best of Jethro Tull: Electric (with some Acoustic) (2007)
Best of Jethro Tull: Best of Jethro Tull's '07 Releases (2007)
Creepy Old Swamp Guy Remastered (2009)
A Jethro Tull Tribute to Jethro Tull (2013)
Pink Floyd Sucks: A Jethro Tull Tribute to Pink Floyd( 2020)
A Flute Tribute To Jethro Tull (1999½)
40 years: Are we really not dead yet? A Jethro Tull Anniversary
Biggles Still Isn't Here (2089)