Jesusaurus Rex

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Jesusaurus rex
Kingdom	Animal
Phylum	Chordata
Class	Reptile
Order	Dinosaur
Family	Christ
Genus	Jesusaurus
Species	Jesusaurus Rex
Binomial Name	Jesusaurus Rex Christ
Primary Armament	Teeth and Eucharist
Secondary Armament	Feet with which to stomp on you
Power Supply	Holy Trinity
HP:	∞ +100000
Mana Points:	∞ +100000
Strength:	∞
Intelligence:	{{{intel}}}
Weight	10 metric tonnes
Length	150-190 meters (that's about as b)
Special Attack	†
Conservation Status	Run away from it

Jesusaurus rex (jeez-us-soar-us rex) (lat. "King Jesus Lizard"), also known as J. rex, "The Prophet of the Dinosaurs" and "King of the Jewish Dinosaurs", is one of the final forms of Jesus, and is expected to visit Earth sometime around the year 2021. Not to be confused with Raptor Jesus or Jesusaur, Jesusaurus Rex is a carnivore, and he's out with a vengeance.

[edit] Characteristics

Jesusaurus Rex has all the incredible holy powers of Jesus Christ combined with the pure ownage of a T. Rex. What could be cooler than that? However, Jesus also has an aura of ownage about him, so here's some tips to tell the two apart. Jesusaurus Rex has:

Big Scaly feet to crush the infidels

Divine Smile of a Thousand Pointy Teeth

Is so cool that people often explode by looking at him

Tap Dances

Eats demons instead of banishing them

Excretes holy urea and shit

Enjoy's long strides on the beach, while firing lightning with his eyelashes

[edit] Reactions to Jesusaurus rex

Faced with the threat of a giant angry Jesus, former U.S. president George W. Bush has had this to say: "It is with the deepest regret that I inform you, my fellow Pelicans, that a lot of you are pretty damn screwed. That's right all you stem-cell marauders, I'm talking to you. Trying to destroy the foundations of society is going to get you devoured by the Lord... save us Satan!"
Later investigations showed that George W. Bush did not, in fact say the above quotation, and it was actually just from some fat white old guy, also known as Dick Cheney. George W. Bush's actual words were "Jesusarus will never seek a permission slip to eat the American people." When questioned about what he meant to do about the J-Rex, Bush responded with "No act of the Jesusaurus Rex will change our purpose, or weaken our resolve, or alter our fate. God has blessed America, and we will survive his dinosaur."
Some Christians have taken the coming of J-Rex as a sign that they will finally be floating off into heaven in the Rapture, while others of different faiths have had slightly different ideas. Known Scientologist Tom Cruise has been quoted as saying "People don't know the great things Jesusaurus will do, helping the community. It will be positive and wonderful. Hey, that plane reminds me of my awesomely homoerotic movie Top Gun. I made a lot of money off that movie you know. Being rich is really nice, you know, since I get to ride in limos and eat McDonalds all day." Cruise is reported as leaving the Scientology faith because it doesn't allow him to take his Ritalin any longer.

[edit] Recent Discovery

A Jesusaurus Rex was recently discovered in a Gainesville, Florida man's backyard. An excavation is currently underway to determine why it arrived far before the initial estimated arrival year of 2021. It has been said that only true believers can view the remains safely, as a number of OVER 9000 onlookers have been turned to dust after visiting the excavation site.

Recently, a Jesusaurus Rex was used to make a miraculous breakthrough in redneck science (that's the best kind, by the way). Carl Sagan examined the Jesusaurus Rex's bones and discovered through carbon dating that, shockingly, in his own words, "'Dr. Pepper' is the best soda ever made!" Soon after that incident, he was found raping his own daughter and arrested.

[edit] See Also

• Tyrannosaurus Rex
• Godzilla
• Passion of the Christ: The Lord Strikes Back
• Nazareth Park
• DinoJesus
• Pogo Snake
• [Cosmos for Rednecks]

RANDOM WARNING! This article is quite random. You might want to edit it so that it's actually about something!

Parts of this article were originally sporked from Wikipedia's article on Tyrannosaurus Rex.