Jesus was Christian, NOT Jewish

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“I'm not touching this one with a ten-foot Polish person.”
~ God
“Jesus was a nice Jewish boy from a good Jewish family who had some strange ideas”
~ St. Paul in his letter to the Kligontians.
“You guys do know I wasn't white, right?”
FineLarry

Would the crowds have followed Jesus if he looked like this? He couldn't get a miracle passed if he had this guy's kisser.

One of the great misconceptions about Jesus is that he was Jewish. This is of course ignorance in the extreme - Jesus Christ was a Christian. All you have to do is read about him, because if the Bible said he was Jewish it's news to me. And none of the stuff about Jewish things ever makes it into the movies, so it didn't happen. In fact, researchers in Hollywood have proven beyond a reason or a doubt that Jesus was one of the founders of Christianity, along with Moses and Cleopatra and maybe even John that Baptist. Jesus was (as we all know, from the movies) murdered by the Jews due to his religious beliefs and good looks, and you can tell from the better ones that the Jews really had some kind of bone to pick with the guy.

All of that proves that Jesus was not Jewish. People have to stop believing this un-movielike lie. Here are several reasons why I know what I know.

Jesus Never Engaged In Jewish Activities

Jesus never wore glasses, or had affairs with my mother which caused my dad to leave me and my older brother. Never. And Jesus never ate babies, or cut off his genitalia (why would he?), and he never stole money from the his followers or mom's rainy-day account when he could help it. In fact he was highly critical of such things, especially when he ran the merchants out of the temple for not giving him the correct change[1]. Jesus never celebrated Hanukkah or Passover or Christmas, nor any of those other bogus holidays promoted in the Jewish bestseller, the Book of Leviticus. He especially did not celebrate the Year of Jubilee. Jesus instead promoted a philosophy totally at odds with the ignorant Jewish vegetarian rule of "Thou shalt not kill", or the idol-worshipping ways of orthodox Judaism, or even the things Arabs do. I doubt if Jesus even came from the Middle-East at all.

And Jesus wasn't like any of those heathen virgin birth Sumerian, Egyptian, Roman and Persian Gods who were born on December 25th, not in any way. Because he was a Christian, and proud of it.

Cannibals

A balanced and fair depiction of your typical historical Jewish activity. Jesus would never cook humans, not in one million years.

Jesus Had Christian Heritage

Jesus was the son of God. God is a Christian, and Mary was also a Christian long before she agreed to carry Jesus around inside her and then let him loose into the world. So there you go, ipso facto. If God was Jewish what do you know?

Jesus' Christian heritage can be seen as so:

Jesus Was Killed By Jews

The Jews killed Jesus for his religious viewpoints and maybe his hair. If Jesus were a Jew, which he never was and neither were his parents or his relatives or his Rabbi, the Jews would not have done this, as Jews do not kill their own kind. Much like their ancestors, the ants, they are a hive-mind, and to kill one of their own kind would cause a chain-reaction like lemmings walking up to the edge of a cliff and deciding to jump off. Jesus was the lemming who said "Let's don't jump this time, let's do something else now".

Since the Jews killed Jesus with a big piece of wood, like a vampire only on the outside, it is safe to assume he most certainly wasn't Jewish but Christian. As a Christian he went to heaven, which he would never have found if he was Jewish because everyone knows and the movies tell us that the Jews have a different kind of heaven, one sort of like that E.T. film where the alien guy points to his heart and goes home or something.

Jesuspwningwood

If Jesus or my dad had been Jewish and real strong the story would have ended more or less like this. But Jesus was Christian, and so he knew he'd be in heaven with his dog soon enough.

Jesus Warned People About Jews Being Bad

Jesus told people to be Christian and watch out for Jewish culture and food, not out of hate or fear or indigestion, but out of a divine purpose and an instinct for protection. God, as stated and proven above, is Christian, and thus could no longer stand to see the Jews taking over things like the film industry, so he sent Jesus down to earth to show the Jews how it should properly be done (psst. Revenue sharing versus a piece of the percentage).

Jesus-annoyed

"Who're you calling a Jew? You and what Roman army?"

Jesus' girlfriend was Christian, not Jewish

Mary Magdelene was Christian all the way, not Jewish. When Jesus started to date her he made sure she was Christian. She even knew some of the apostles, who were all Christian and not Jewish. One of the apostles, John, used to date her before Jesus did, and they had a man-thing going for awhile about who was dating her now, and back off bro I saw her first, and I dated her before you did so she's mine, and uh-uh, O no you don't, and then Jesus won her heart because you know why? He was Christian! That's why.

Jesus Is Called "Christ" For A Reason

Jesus' name on his birth certificate is "Jesus Christ", not "Jesus Jew" or "Jesus, King of the Jews". If he was Jewish he wouldn't have been named "Christ" right from the get-go, now would he? Names mean things, and to be named Jesus Christ was pretty cool for the guy, who could have been named most anything.

It's pretty simple to say that this alone proves he was Christian.

JesusDances JesusDances JesusDances

The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost all dance to celebrate Jesus' Christianhood. So there!



Washing his feetnote

  1. Ironically, his followers have now set up mass markets to sell all kinds of Christian symbols. Go figure.
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