Jesus raptors

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“Salvation is their top priority... that or salivation.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Jesus raptors
Jesus on raptor

Who were you expecting?

Jesus raptors (Jesuus Velociraptorus Awesomeus Furious) are an unspeakably evil species, which is why one has to type about them. Those who have attempted to speak of their evil have had their vocal chords ripped out. This hurts like a mother, so it is suggested that you shut up.

A Jesus Raptor looks a lot like a giant velociraptor with a beard and a halo. A Jesus Raptor can be immediately identified by the fact that it makes facial hair work. Any sighting of a Jesus Raptor should be reported directly to the Pope in person and as quickly as possible. If the Pope is not nearby when you see the Jesus Raptor it is recommended that you run like hell.


The concept of Jesus Raptors is probably the purest thing anybody could believe, it explains everything, and is the truest take on our creation, everything and anything. But try telling them that to their faces.


The history of the Jesus Raptors is one shrouded in mystery. We can only guess as to their scandalous origins, which probably involved Jesus, a coquettish female velociraptor, and a few dozen bottles of tequila. Jesus can't hold his liquor.

When the first Jesus Raptors were spawned they started out to see the world, blazing a path of destruction and carnage wherever they went. They were so feared by the indigenous peoples of Antarctica that they became known as polar bears, which are of course, mythical.

The Jesus Raptors convened for the first time since their conception at the First Council of Nicaea, where they played strip poker with Constantine the "Look How Great I Am," and ate him when they lost. They also took time off to write all the sex scenes of the bible and make yo mama jokes with the various priests in attendance. Some of the priests attempted to return fire and were brutally mutilated and then eaten. Jesus Raptors love their mom.

After the council, the Jesus Raptors went their separate ways again. They're out there now, waiting to rip you to shreds with their holy and all powerful claws. Or mandibles. They use those too.

And they're JUST as holy!

Cult of the Bearded Barny

Raptor Jesus

Bearded Barny' iconic imagery.

Jesus Raptor started the religion, but some christian moron took it in the wrong direction and started Mormonism, and of course he got eaten. Bearded Barny Cultists are all insane and should be avoided because they eat liars. They are often found in grocery stores buying kitty litter and muttering diabolically hard to understand phrases like, "meh... golden bearded beauty... eating your face... mrh..."

Jesus Raptors and Grues

Jesus Raptors like eating people almost as much as Grues, but Grues have a significant advantage in their numbers. The one fabled case of a Grue and a Jesus Raptor meeting involved BBQ sauce, cake mix, cavities, and a few tears in the fabric of reality. All that is really known for sure about the event is that they somehow managed to eat each other whole and disappeared through an extemporaneous tape-wormhole into another dimension.

See Also

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