Jesus of Jerusalem

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Gunsandgod

Jesus of Jerusalem, plotting his dastardly deeds.

Jesus of Jerusalem- full name Jesus Rodger Louise Smith of Jerusalem (not to be confused with Jesus of Nazareth) was a well-known criminal mastermind and contemporary of Jesus. Born in Jerusalem some time between 4 and 8 BC, he quickly became known amongst authorities (under the name "Jesus", leading to much confusion throughout his life) for his crimes, many of which were violent or sexual in nature. Jesus was crucified after travelling into the future with a mooseknuckle singing "I Will Survive". He didn't get crucified, he got hit by a bus repeatedly

edit Early Life

Jesus of Jerusalem's ancestry is completely unknown, although some people may called him a self- hating Jew, but some people claim he was simply found on the front steps of the Jerusalem Hospice one dusty morning. Because of this, the exact date of his birth is also unknown, and historians in particular have simply no idea. However, they do know the source of his name; the owner of the hospice, often employed part-time to clean the Temple of any leftover foreskins, witnessed a ruckus in which an old homeless man, attempting to prophesize about a boy circumsized just minuted before, was beaten by the temple guards. As they dragged him out, he cried out, "Jesus! Jesus! Save me, o Messiah!", prompting the foster parent, as if in jest, to name the young foundling Jesus. Little is known of the first ten years of this boy's troubled life, but the first recorded information tells us that he was addicted to crack at age 12.

Unable to fund his growing habit, he turned to selling drugs, although this still wasn’t bringing him in enough money. He turned to corpse looting (when there wasn’t a suitable supply of corpses to be found, he simply murdered people), which worked for a further two years until all the good corpses had already been looted, and only poor people remained. At this point he was forced to perform sexual acts with strangers in exchange for money, and it was while he was doing this that he discovered his fixation with children.

edit Rise to Fame

Although already somewhat known for selling drugs in local brothels, Jesus of Jerusalem didn’t become a household name until after he formed JCAI. JCAI (rarely known by its full name, Jesus Child Abuse Inc.) offered aspiring young child abusers the chance to train under Jesus himself, for a marginal fee. Membership of limited to only those under 12 (anybody older had already missed the chance to become a truly legendary pedophile), and training consisted almost exclusively of having sex with Jesus. JCAI was seen for many years as the foremost training centre in the art of child abuse, with rich families sending their children to be abused by Jesus as a status symbol.

JCAI also started the first all-children brothel in Jerusalem, which is generally regarded as a failure because Jesus was the only customer. Realizing this, Jesus then expanded his brothel (including adults, but only men practicing BDSM), and used it as a front for selling drugs.

edit The Turning Point

After this major expansion, Jesus began to grow bored of children. At this point he turned to grown men, but his reputation always preceded him and he was unable to find any takers. Because of this, he was forced to become an anal rapist. After setting up brothels in all the major cities of the ancient world, Jesus was still not satisfied, and formed a coalition with other minor crime lords, who routinely pillaged villages too small to need a brothel.

It is not certain what caused the police to stand up and take notice, it could have been the pillaging, although it is equally likely to be the rape, as by this point Jesus had become more and more dependent on his non-standard sex life. He was still addicted to crack, and was now high nearly all day. At the age of 25 he stopped sleeping, instead using the time to stalk the streets looking for sex.

However, it is known for certain that the police ran into Jesus on several of his late night rape runs, letting him off with only a verbal warning. This pattern continued until by age 28 his influence was dwindling at a rapid rate. His former followers turned against him, and laws were passed by his dissenters prohibiting child abuse. At age 30, while he still had extensive criminal contacts, he had lost the support of the general public, and his power had fallen to a level where the police could combat him.

edit Death

The authorities finally decided that the rape and pillaging had to stop, so they arrested Jesus and took him to the Roman prelate Pontius Pilate. After conferring with his good friend from Rome, Biggus Dickus, and being threatened with bodily harm by a large mob of itinerant Judean farmers, it was all over; the verdict was death. However, due to confusion over the names, it was actually Jesus of Nazareth who was arrested. After this other man's violent crucifixion, Jesus of Jerusalem capitalized on his namesake's fame and began pretending he was the Messiah.

Five days later, however, he was seized upon by a group of travelling prophets, who were fed up with all the publicity this upstart was getting. Not knowing he wasn't the real deal, they took him out into the desert and gruesomely lashed him with a birch branch, then attached both his hands and both his feet to the ground with the use of a heavy stake. They then stabbed him in the side and left him to die.

Fortunately, Jesus was able to violently rip one hand out from the stake, then use it to pull his other appendages out. After wandering back to Jerusalem, he stumbled into a house with a locked door. Always fancying himself an illusionist, he found a weakness in the door, then pushed so the door crumbled into dust. Within the room, he found the twelve disciples, who were waiting for the return of Jesus of Nazareth.

DoubtingThomas

St. Thomas the Blind, poking Jesus where most people shouldn't be poked.

With them, also, was Didymus Judas Thomas. Doubting, he had said to them, "Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it."

As Jesus of Jerusalem staggered in, half-dressed and deliriously crying out, "Peas! Be with... *mew*," Thomas leapt to his feet, crying out, "My Lord and my God!" Unfortunately for Jesus, Thomas was horribly far-sighted, and could not see the difference between this ravaged criminal and his own brother. Attempting to fulfill his promise, Thomas stuck out two of his grimy, fishy fingers and began probing the pus-filled gap in Jesus' side, causing Jesus of Jerusalem to cry out, "BANANAS!!! BANANAS!!!"

Thomas, startled, pulled his fingers out of the raving man, throwing Jesus off-balance. Slipping, he tried to grab onto a shudder near a window, but couldn't quite manage it. He fell three stories, landing in the back of a hay wagon, which sped off. Shortly afterwards, he died from his wounds.

The disciples, not seeing that he fell into the back of the wagon, assumed that he somehow managed to ascend into heaven.

edit After his Death

It is commonly believed that Jesus of Jerusalem returned to life after his death. This is impossible, however, as there was really nothing left to bury after the incident with the window. The followers of Jesus of Jerusalem (now called Mormons) have been hell bent on ruining Jesus of Nazareth's reputation ever since.


edit Also See

Personal tools
projects