Jesus Lites™

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
The Church of Jesus Lites™
TheJeeMan
Slogan Now with half the sin!
Established June, 1987
Type(s) Catholic Church
Founder(s) Pope John Paul II
Location(s) California
Industry Christianity
Employees 21,853 brothers
Produces Bible Lite™
Revenue undisclosed
Parent Catholic Church
Official homepage http://www.jesuswaswaycool.com

The Church of Jesus Lites™ (Latin: Levis Iesu Ecclesia, L.I.E. or LIE) is a Catholic religious order of clerks regular, often referred to as Jesus Lites™.

Jesus Lites is the fastest growing ecumenical order in the Catholic Church, now numbering 21,853 members, or brothers, as at January 2009, from a modest cell of 27 in June 1987 at its foundation and consecration. [Citation needed but I doubt you'll find any evidence.] They are best known for their work in missionary positions, and for the official Bible of the Church of Jesus Lites™, Bible Lite™.

edit Foundation

In 1986 Pope John Paul II found the Catholic Church losing members due to it's insistence on telling people that there are certain types of behaviour which are classed as sin and should be avoided as this would cause one to go to hell. While there we dissident voices within the church relating to this doctrine, through the voice of then Cardinal Ratzinger he denounced any opposition to this as heretic thought, as of course the concept of not making it's followers feel guilty in direct opposition to the practices of the Catholic Church throughout history.

However, in order to curtail the rising in popularity of the newest contender to the papal robes, Bob Geldof, following his successful work as part of the Band aid and Live aid projects, and his strong support in the Irish Catholic community, decided upon a secret sect within the Catholic church to investigate the options of looking at Christianity in a new way that meant that he could avoid the whole sin bit.

He founded the church with a core base of 24 members, with the justification that if Jesus built his church on the backs of 12 disciples, then he would do much better having 24 disciples, headed by a triumvirate of senior church officials.

At this stage it was referred to as the Family of Pure Service (Latin Familia Incorruptus Beneficium, F.I.B. or FIB), being that the central tenant of this order was to have the service of the church at the forefront of the mind, and all other thoughts were to be secondary. At this stage the members of the FIB started to refer to each other as Brothers of Service (Latin: Ministro Frater, M.F. or MF later Anglicised as BS).

edit Doctrine

From its humble beginning the Familia intended to draft the central tenets of the faithful. In the first sitting the Pope addressed them, and laid down the founding document upon which the order was to be built.

Angry pope

Why are they not giving me any more money?

Cquote1 We want a nicer, gentler church. No longer are people prepared to be ruled by an iron fist of domination, they want to be able to do what they want and know that at the end of the day that nothing bad will happen to them. We want to be able to promise them heaven, and the only thing that they need to do is keep giving us the money. Oh, the money has to keep rolling in. We also want to keep the overheads down as well. All that incense and altar wine - it's very expensive stuff. So if we can get people to not have to come to church every Sunday that would be good too. But they have to still give the money. And we want them to be comfortable in their lives, living a lighter version of the catechism. But still giving the money.[Citation needed because this has to be complete bull shit.]
Signature of John Paul II
Cquote2

As per the Lumen Gentium of Vatican II, the Pope's word is church law, as he is the Apostolic successor to Peter, and therefore the first of the living Apostles. So by Catholic doctrine the FIB had in its hand a document that allowed them to do whatever they wanted and not be afraid of any heavenly consequences. Of course this resulted in a day of contemplation of the nature of goodness and evil. This was subsequently followed by three weeks of debauchery and slovenliness that the church had not seen since the days of Gregory. [1]

edit The first argument

As a result of this excess with very little to show as a result the holy Father was of course extremely disappointed with the lack of progress, so he sent his "Little Terrier", Cardinal Ratzinger, with a demand to one of the triumvirate, Peyo N Teodoro, of the now rapidly expanding order, to come up with a revolutionary new doctrine by the following day. While in the midst of a particularly large bout of excess, Peyo came up with what is considered the first argument of the FIB order.

This is bread

Leaven, we don't need no stinking leaven.

Cquote1 A lot of misunderstanding of the Bible and the way that it is followed today comes down to not knowing what the Bible actually means in the original Koine Greek, as well as the way that the people of the day would understand their meaning.

Take leavened bread, for example. Yeast, in the days of Christ, was created in unsanitary conditions, and had an amazing amount of impurities and muck in them, and in many cases was similar to what we would now consider sourdough - based upon a lactic acid culture. Thanks to the work of scientists such as Louis Pasteur and other microbiologists we now have much cleaner forms of yeast and leaven, especially those that are not based upon lactic acid.

The Jews of the time also understood this as being a symbol for unclean, as is demonstrated in the first book of Corinthians. [2]

So by this token we are not talking about the literal leaven in unleavened bread, but rather by getting out the impurities and the uncleanliness in the bread itself. So no longer should be be limiting ourselves by transubstantiation of dull wafers, instead we are allowed to go further, and have leavened bread. And in fact, we should have it topped with more flavouring, like a pizza. In fact, we should be having pizza. What's the number for the nearest Pizza delivery?

Cquote2

This was taken back to the Holy Father, who read it, and saw that for the first time there was a new thought - some say a revolutionary concept - within his church. He saw the hope, the light, the potential for sponsorship from Dominos and Pizza Hut, and realised that this was good. So he sent back a congratulatory note to Peyo, suggesting that he now focus his attention on getting his fingers into the lucrative soft drink market.

edit The second argument

Upon hearing of the approval of the Holy Father, Peyo then sat down, and penned immediately the second of the great arguments of the FIB.

CocaCola

Fruit of the vine

Cquote1 In much the same way we have to look at the true meaning of the words when referring to the bread as part of the transubstantiation, we should also look at the wine at the same time.

When reading the description of the last supper in the Bible, there is no reference to alcoholic wine, as we understand it today, in fact there is reference to cup and fruit of the vine. [3] Fruit of the vine at no stage is definitively relating to wine. In fact the word in Koine Greek, ampelos can relate to either a grapevine or a standard vine. Now many things grow on a vine, including beans, much like the Kola nut bean.

Now one of the more popular drinks today is actually made from the Kola nut bean. Coca-Cola logo is in fact made from the Kola bean (and in older times the Kola bean and cocaine.) What Christ shared with his disciples was a common drink, known as "new wine", deriving from the produce of a vine and unfermented. The drink that most resembles that today is Coca-Cola logo. So where the pizza transforms into the body of Christ, the Coca-Cola logo also transforms into the blood of Christ.

And forget this whole thing of gathering on a Sunday morning. If we have a look at the early church, they gathered daily, as shown in Acts Chapter 2. [4] Instead let's just get together, and have pizza and Coca-Cola logo, and party on down. Share everything that we have, clothes, beds, and women!

Let's have the name of Christ in lights!

Cquote2

The Holy Father looked at the second argument and was enraptured. They had the funding of big cola behind them as well. Now all that he needed was a way to draw in the crowds, a new doctrine that would make people say, "We can have our pizza, and eat it too!" So he sent back another memo through to Peyo, while at the same time speaking to his marketing team to see if they could do something with the name of the Church to give it more market appeal.

edit The third argument

The third argument has now become the central tenet of the Church of Jesus Lites™. Peyo, after having had significant inspirational material, finally came up with an understanding as to why sin was no longer an issue.

Meats

Do whatever you want to with it.

Cquote1 So we can see now that many of the assumptions about what we believed are ripe to be questioned, so finally we come to the issue of sin. Now how do we know what sin is? Sin is defined as that which is against the Law of God.

But are we still ruled by the Laws of the Old Testament? Of course not, as it says in Romans 6:14, For sin shall not have dominion over you: for ye are not under the law, but under grace. We are no longer subject to the laws of the old testament, but instead we are covered by the grace of God. So we should reject all the old testament laws, and live as God intended originally before sin was introduced in the garden.

Take for example when Peter was on the road to Joppa, and God offered him un-kosher food. Peter rejected it, but God told him that he was no longer concerned with the old laws, but instead that God has given us this abundance, this level of choice, and that we should take advantage of the bounty that God has given us. [5] If we have been given an option by God, then we must accept that it is good. As long as we stay in grace, by sharing all that we have with the church, preferably by giving them negotiable items like cash, then we remain in the Grace of God, and whatever we do is fine.

This then, should be doctrine, "Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law."

Cquote2

edit Marketing and the future of the church

With the support of the Pope behind him, and the weight of the churches marketing department, Peyo then released the Bible Lite™, and changed the name of the church to the Church of Jesus Lites™. Since that point this has been the fastest growing order within the Catholic Church, categorised by it's all night orgies and drunken bacchanals. [Citation needed and any photos or video. Or an invitation. Please!]

BennyXVI

Now all we have to do is wait...

Pope John Paul II finally threw his support behind celebrities such as Bob Geldof and Bono with his support of causes such as Jubilee 2000, the fall of the Berlin Wall and the subsequent concert by Roger Waters. With this shone a new, brighter, Liter™ future for the Catholic Church.

The death of Pope John Paul II did reflect a turning point in the churches future - would they still have a Liter™ future, or fall back into the days of the Vatican II council? While not able to become the Pope at the last ecclesiastical election, [6] Peyo has been rumoured to become a hot contender for the next Pope upon the death of Pope Benedict XVI. [7]

edit Footnotes

  1. A period of debauchery and slovenliness so complete that the entire church lost 11 days, and never managed to get them back again.
  2. "Your glorying is not good. Know ye not that a little leaven leaveneth the whole lump? Purge out therefore the old leaven, that ye may be a new lump, as ye are unleavened. For even Christ our passover is sacrificed for us: Therefore let us keep the feast, not with old leaven, neither with the leaven of malice and wickedness; but with the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth. A little leaven leaveneth the whole lump" 1st Corinthians 5:6 - 9 KJV
  3. "And he took the cup, and gave thanks, and gave it to them, saying, Drink ye all of it; For this is my blood of the new testament, which is shed for many for the remission of sins. But I say unto you, I will not drink henceforth of this fruit of the vine, until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father's kingdom." Matthew 26:27 - 29 KJV
  4. "And all that believed were together, and had all things common; And sold their possessions and goods, and parted them to all men, as every man had need. And they, continuing daily with one accord in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, did eat their meat with gladness and singleness of heart, Praising God, and having favour with all the people. And the Lord added to the church daily such as should be saved." Acts 2:44-47 KJV
  5. "But Peter said, Not so, Lord; for I have never eaten any thing that is common or unclean. And the voice [spake] unto him again the second time, What God hath cleansed, [that] call not thou common. This was done thrice: and the vessel was received up again into heaven." Acts 10:14 - 16 KJV
  6. Due to being significantly under the influence of a cocktail of substances and ensconced in a hotel room with a bevy of altar boys. Well, he is a priest after all.
  7. When asked if he would like to change his name after becoming Pope, Peyo has been quoted as saying "Would you like a name like that? Seriously? I think I should be the first Pope Angus!"
Personal tools
projects