Jesus Fucking Christ was the expression Mary reputedly used while giving birth to the rather fat baby boy who was to become Our Lord. At 14lbs 4oz (2.3 metric tonnes) young JC was about the size of a bowling ball and by all accounts it was not an easy birth. It just so happened that during the birth the Census Taker passed through Bethlehem, and as he put his head through the stable door and asked, "Give me your names, Jew scum!" Mary had a particularly agonising contraction, so "Mary, Joseph and Jesus Fucking Christ" was what the guy wrote. Little did he know that the baby would grow up to be a major pain in the ass for the region's governor Pontius Pilates.
Little is known about Jesus's youth- and for good reason. The boy was an infernal nuisance and seemed destined for a life of crime. He was always getting into trouble, and "Jesus Fucking Christ- if I catch Thee pinching stuff from my stall once more I'll crucify Thee!" was a commonly heard refrain down at the marketplace.
As Jesus grew, he got into more and more trouble, and the refrain became "Jesus Fucking Christ, get Thee away from my daughter/son/ass/concubine/cripple/leper!"
Jesus soon came to the notice of the Roman authorities, and it came as little surprise to anyone when at 16 He was arrested for bank robbery. His defence, "I was only overturning the moneylenders' tables, Roman donkeyfucker!" fell on deaf ears and Jesus was given 15 years hard labour.
The Prison Years
Banished to a distant province, Jesus was popular with the other inmates for His spirit (see Holy Spirit) which seemed unbreakable, and for His cocky abuse of the Roman guards. Even the guards themselves came grudgingly to admire the plucky lad, and it was said that they were gentler when bumming Him than with any of the other prisoners.
While in prison Jesus got the idea of starting a major religious cult from a failed prophet called The Great Steve, who it was said had once counted princes among his flock. Jesus was a clever lad and knew He could learn from The Great Steve's mistakes. As soon as He was released, he set out for Galilee- and the rest, as they say, is history.
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