From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jesus Christos (Iesu Christi) is an extinct mammal in the Deity family, native to the arid deserts of Judea. Only one Jesus Christos is known to have ever lived, and it became extinct around 2000 years ago due to human poaching. The study of this animal is known as Christianity.
The Jesus Christos is similar in appearance to Mel Gibson although he is not as gay. He usually dresses like a prostitute and wears a swastika on his head. His bones and legs were capable of walking long distances - even on water. Biologists argue about the pigmentation of its skin, with some claiming it to be white, while others suggest a darker tone - in line with other species from his native habitat. He is also known to have remarkable abs and has been described as having a "swimmer's bod."
Habitat & Diet
The Jesus Christos prefers a desert climate and is quite adept at foraging for food there. It enjoys red wine and has the ability to transform water into wine when necessary. Its slow metabolism is able to efficiently process a loaf of bread so that it provides 50 times as much energy as it would to a human. Jesus Christos is known to have inhabited what is modern-day Israel as well as portions of Jordan and the Sinai peninsula. It is also rumoured to have traveled to Japan in its old age. Lake Galilee was its primary water source. It is an omnivore and has a particular taste for sheep.
A small group of believers also contend that it appeared on the North American continent after it died in ancient Jerusalem. This group is known as Mormons.
Jesus Christos is unique in that it alternates between being a solitary and a group animal. It can spend weeks alone in the desert but also enjoys traveling with a multitude of companions. It is nomadic in nature, rarely staying in the same area for long. It is very peaceful in nature although can get quite violent when angered, especially if money-changers encroach on its territory. If attacked first, however, it will feign death and turn the other cheek. When asleep it is not easily roused; one anecdote mentions a Jesus Christos sleeping through a fierce storm at sea.
The Jesus Christos, being a member of the Deity family, has a sophisticated life cycle consisting of three stages: God, Man, and Spirit. In the first stage, it exists as the eternal and omnipotent creator of the world. In adulthood, the Word becomes flesh and lives among us on Earth. This stage lasts about thirty three years, at which time Jesus Christos turns into a Holy Spirit.
Some evolutionary biologists theorize that eventually the Spirit transforms back into Man (in a process called rapture) and returns to Earth. This theory was first promulgated by the ancient biologist John in his treatise entitled "Revelation."
- The transformation of God into Man takes place through impregnation.
- The transformation of Man into Spirit takes place through crucifixion.
- It is debated whether the Spirit will turn into God via magic or back into Man by rapture.
Keeping as pets
Jesus Christos is a highly intelligent animal and may be kept as a pet, but as with other primates, it must be given constant attention. Its calm demeanour makes it suitable for play with children.
There are some health concerns regarding Jesus Christos that prospective owners must be aware of:
- In its Spirit form, the parasitic animal can infest women and cause unwanted pregnancy.
- It can be distinguished from a normal pregnancy by the fact that it requires no sexual intercourse.
- When it has reached sexual maturity Jesus Christos must be separated from any form of sheep. The offspring of such a union (commonly referred to as "sheople") frequently exhibit symptoms of intellectual disability. No physical contact is required for Jesus Christos to copulate with ewes.
For clarity, the intermediate parasitic form between God and Man is not shown.