Jesus Christ

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“The only Jew I ever liked...”

~ Hitler on Jesus

“Crucifixion was an inside job”

~ Peter on Judas' betrayal

“I never tolerate outrageous conspiracy theories”

~ Judas on Jesus Christ's crucifixion

“A true American patriot.”

~ Various Conservative Evangelicals

Jesus "Messiah" "The Holy One" "J[dot]C" Christ was a Black Cab Driver, Professional Bird Watcher and supposed savior to Mankind. Jesus was born on December 25 '0' and somehow this made a star shine brightly, Brighter than John McCain's bell end on a hot day. Then three not so wise men brought the infant gold, frankincense, and murrh which means absolutely nothing to someone who isn't even one year old yet. But at least they weren't as stingy as the shepherd, who brought nothing. Same goes for the angel, and imagine what an angel could give you, but still no nothing. Jesus was immediately hunted down to be boiled or deep fried for King Herod's lunch. Herod ordered the slaughter of every baby within a one hundred mile radius, which was the sensible thing to do because he couldn't just have followed the giant glowing star or anything. Well, needless to say, no one slaughtered Jesus... yet.

Contents 1 Growing Up 2 Merchandise 3 "Work" 4 World of Warcraft 5 Later life 6 The Last Supper 7 Crucifixon 8 Resurrection 9 Sexuality

[edit] Growing Up

Part of a series of articles on

Christianity

History of Christianity Jesus The Apostles Ecumenical councils Great Schism The Crusades Reformation

The Trinity God the Father The Son (Jesus Christ) The Holy Spirit

The Bible Old Testament New Testament Apocrypha The Gospels Ten Commandments Sermon on the Mount

Christian theology Fall of Man · Grace Salvation · Justification Christian worship

Christian Church Roman Catholicism Eastern Orthodoxy Protestantism Christian erudition Christian denominations Christian movements Christian ecumenism Christian scholastica Christian discourses

Important Figures Apostle Paul Church Fathers Augustine · Aquinas Wycliffe · Luther Calvin · Trammell Carver · Wesley Seaborg

Jesus was just like any other regular kid growing up, he enjoyed spending long hours in the temple talking to himself while kids chucked grapes at his head and his own parents wished he would just get hit by an ox cart. Even at a young age, he would speak in metaphors. Much like the Founding Fathers of America, Jesus refused to explain what the right to bear arms meant, and also repeatedly questioned what a sub-machine gun was in a feeble attempt to dodge the question. Jesus also played sports growing up, such as Jesusball, Jesustag, and everyones favorite Marko Jesus. Before playing all of these games Jesus would just run around in circles chasing his extra penis that he thought was a tail. Apparently, he had quite the complex with being the center of attention which would lead to a huge marketing scheme.

[edit] Merchandise

Claiming at ten to be the savior of mankind Jesus began marketing his W.W.J.D. (What Would Jesus Do) bracelets to younger unsuspecting children. Unfortunately, most of his customers were subsequently beaten when they told their fathers and mothers they spent three silver pieces on some ten year old's bracelets. Jesus also tried to sell Christmas trees and Easter bunnies during most holiday seasons, but everyone in Bethlehem was a Grinch and told him to get a job, so he did.

[edit] "Work"

Like most destructive liberals, Jesus decided to disobey The Man, and broke just about every standard set during the time period. He aligned himself with twelve gangsters and lowlifes, or as he preferred, "disciples" such as a conniving tax collector, some lazy fishers, and a man who he knew would ultimately betray him to his death (not because of the precognitive thing, mind you -- the guy actually said so openly, on many occasions). Jesus also refused to stone people for petty crimes, wore open-toed sandals, and talked to women. Obviously being such a rebel gained him quite the reputation among Arab Drug Lords, and there was a bounty of thirty silver pieces on his head. Needless to say, Jesus was not as bright as many people said he was. With these twelve followers Jesus began to monopolize his merchandise industry and his "career" as a free thinker took off.

[edit] World of Warcraft

Like many socially inept teenagers, Jesus eventually turned to World of Warcraft to brutally crush or "pwn" his enemies online. He started as a low mage, but by scavenging the middle-east for several cheat codes he soon became a level 80 mage and murdered all the warlocks except for Nathan Steele because Jesus loved his afro. With these newfound powers Jesus worked miracles such as being able to turn water into wine, let blind people see, allow Full House to run for nine seasons, and save you money on your car insurance by switching to Geico. However, nobody liked it because Jesus had used cheat codes which wasn't fair, and the roman goblins began to plan an assault.

[edit] Later life

Jesus began to care about some of his disciples more than the others such as John. He told John to write a book, get a deal with Walden, publish it, and then make it into a movie. He also told John to not use the names of some of the loser disciples because they suck, so Jesus changed the twelve disciples to John, Peter, Doubting Thomas, eight other guys, and... Judas Lord of the Sucky Friends.

[edit] The Last Supper

Jesus said one day that Judas was going to betray him and everybody was confused. Judas explained that with Jesus out of the picture he could hire the Russian Mafia to brutally rape the rest of them and then have complete control over Jesus's merchandise. Judas then left cackling and saying how he would never regret this. Jesus then told John to snap a picture of this because it was a Kodak moment, he also told him to address a letter to Dan Brown and tell him not to go overboard on the sequels cause they're only gonna get worse. Finally, Jesus gave his final address. He told John and Peter to beware the three Antichrists : Rosie O'Donnell, Squidward Tentacles, and Ronald Wilson Reagan(666). He told the other nine disciples to screw off and get lost cause they were all gonna die in a gang war.

[edit] Crucifixon

The Roman goblins got a little cocky and decided that instead of doing the honorable thing to a level 80 mage, stoning him, they would instead murder him on a cross which would subsequently become his biggest marketing ploy yet. They nailed him to it, killed him, and then threw him into a tomb. But just ask Gandalf, and he'll tell you that that's not the way you kill a mage.

Some conspiracy nuts think that crucifixion was an inside job. Some Conspiracy theorist say that Judas betrayed Jesus. According to these conspiracy theorists, Judas was bribed by the Sanhedrin or maybe the CIA.

[edit] Resurrection

Using his mage powers Jesus came back to life and everyone cowered behind their desks like five year olds. Jesus said he was tired and would need a few thousand years to recharge his mage powers but that he would be back. He hung Judas and framed it as suicide and then floated into heaven on a marshmallow cloud.

[edit] Sexuality

Since Jesus was the Son of God and savior of the Earth, the guy could very well have had whatever girl he wanted, and he had four wrapped around his finger from the get-go. But I guess he just wanted those 12 disciples. What ever floats his boat, you know? He was extremely skilled in the art of seduction as well, yet he never slept with a woman! Why was this? There are two possibilities: 1. He told John to erase that part because it wasn't very holy. 2. He was part of the homosexual agenda. Note: Some scholars have thrown out the idea that he may have had a small wang and bragged about saving the soul's of damned to compensate for it, but I don't know too many level 80 mages that don't hold the magic stick. Obviously, with reality's liberal bias one would assume that just like Spongebob, Frodo, and The Jonas Brothers, Jesus is trying to slap all regular guys in the face with his blatant homosexuality. After all he palled around with twelve sweaty guys all day for half of his life, that's only normal for years 8-12. Just because Jesus was gay though does not defeat the Conservative outlook that all gays are evil, and this article would like to encourage Fox News to continue to report on how Spongebob is brainwashing your child to destroy marriage.

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The Sacred Host of Major Jesii

Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want, it's probably Original Jesus.
Original Jesus: Hey, hey, hey, it's the Jee Man himself; the one who started it all!	Don't care if it rains or freezes? You need Plastic Jesus
Jebus: Original Jesus's Crackhead Twin Half-Brother	Jesus was a brutha: Black Jesus
Jesus H. Christ: The 56th president of the US	Jesus saves (leftovers): Jesusware
Jesus Harold Christ: Cowboy and knife-fighter	Your own: Personal Jesus
Jesus Christ Sponge: Purge sin and clean your dishes!	¿Qué?: Jesús
Jesus Hasselhoff: He's everywhere!	Pictorial retrospective of the Life and Times of: Lorem Ipsum Jesus
Ultra Jesus: All Jesii wrapped into one	Back with a vengeance! Zombie Jesus
Canadian Jesus: The Second Coming!	Rawr! Raptor Jesus
Paperclip Jesus: Lord of Office Supplies!	Not To Be Confused With Super-Gay Jesus: Gay Jesus

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The So-So Company of Other Jesii

Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Jesus.
Monster Jesii
Jesusaurus Rex: The tyrant Jesus...lizard	Save yourself from Werejesus!
DinoJesus: Nazareth Park is frightening in the dark	And they said Jesus rode on a Mule...Nyah!:Llama Jesus
Attack of the 500 foot Jesus: Demolishing non-blessed skyscrapers -- New York, watch out!	When there's no more room in Heaven...: Zombie Jesus
Jesus-Sonic: Lord and Savior of Hedgehogs and Sega gaming.	The multidimensional, Scientological king of rodents: King of the Shrews
Munchie Jesii
Jeez-Its: Orange, crunchy, and fun to eat! Get your own box.	Savour the Saviour: Cheese Jesus
Jesus Juice: An Energy Drink...that's Divine!	Oh, where have all the Jesii gone? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you: Hershey's Jesii and Creme
Jam Jesus: With a name like 'Jam Jesus', it has to be good.	Finally, something on a stick the whole family can enjoy!: Sweet Jesus on a Stick!
Mecha Jesii
Cyborg Jesus: Retrofit by God after death	Domo arigato, señor: Robot Jesus
JESUS 9000: "Open the Pearly Gates, JESUS." "I'm sorry, Dave, but I'm afraid I can't do that."	Gets your soul white, white, WHITE!: All-Purpose Jesus
Optijesus Prime: Saviour of the transformers

Jesus Related Locations.
Jesusland	Red States
Jesus Ocean	Israel

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The Abandoned Hallway of Unwanted Jesii

Pity them, and feed them table scraps. If you are still confused about which one you want... then you're fucking retarded, bitch!
Bad Jesii
Latios: The False Messiah and proclaimed friend of Jesus.	All Jesii wrapped into no-one: Atheist Jesus
Prehistoric Jesus: The find of the century.	The Holiest of Holy Boy Bands:Premium Jesus
Et Jesus: 32-bit Protected Trinity	Disco Jesus' favorite band: The Bee-Jesus
Piss Christ: Ewww!	You crack my back, I'll crack yours: Chiropractor Jesus
Djesus: French Jesus	Irelands Most Popular Jesus: Bjesus
Evil Jesus: Careful of this Jesus	"Promoting God's chain of Churches: "McJesus
lol, Jesus: I don't get it either.	The real reason Christ was crucified: Jesus of Jerusalem
Morbus Jesus: The itchiest of the lot	And for anyone we've missed out on: Society of Jesus