Jesus' foreskin

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Glowydildo

Da Vinci's colored clay molding of what Jesus' penis may have looked like. Dan Brown is already writing a book about it.

Jesus' foreskin, also called the Holy Prepuce (Latin: præputium or prepucium) is the center of many archaeological digs and much Judeo-Christian folklore. Historical accounts of Jesus' circumcision and the location of his holy foreskin are scarce and varied, but Da Vinci's clay mold of Jesus' circumcised phallus is considered the most concise and famous account about the physical details of Jesus' penis and circumcision.

Historical basis

Born into a Jewish family, Jesus was most probably circumcised at his bris milah. There are rivaling accounts of Jesus' circumcision and the fate of his foreskin. Luke 2:21 reads: "And when eight days were accomplished for the circumcising of the child, his name was called Jesus." The apocryphal Arabic Infancy Gospel claims the foreskin (others claim it was the umbilical cord) was preserved it in an alabaster-box of old oil of spikenard.

The Gospel of Judas claims that an unnamed Orthodox mohel, volunteering as part of his sex offense community service, performed the circumcision. In this account, the mohel performed a metzitzah. In a metzitzah, the mohel sucks blood from the circumcision wound with his mouth. This practice has fallen out of favor due to certain health risks, such as the transmission of herpes or other infections to the penis. Some Catholics consider the unnamed mohel an unofficial saint, citing the act of placing one's mouth on Jesus' infant penis as being particularly noble.

Because the Gospel of Judas, like other Gnostic gospels, has only surfaced within the the last century, it has stricken greater interest in a loosely-investigated subject. Writings and a colored clay mold designed by Leonardo Da Vinci were the first to question the location of Jesus' foreskin and the overall state of Jesus' penis. Citing the Jewish tradition of burying the foreskin in the sand or dirt, Da Vinci wrote: "Perhaps the foreskin is buried in the sands of the Middle East. This place may be one of the unknown holy places of the Earth, if not the most holy and unknown." Historians have claimed that Da Vinci's interest in the subject and his detail in constructing Jesus' penis may have been due to his latent homosexuality.

The accuracy of the penis-mold has been challenged. Da Vinci claims in his writings on the mold that he intended it to be "...provoking of thought, not a claim to the shape, girth, length, veininess, succulence, color, or flavor of Jesus' penis." According to an assistant of Michelangelo, Da Vinci once approached the artist and asked if he would consider using his mold of Jesus' penis as the design for the member of his work-in-progress, the famous sculpture David. Michelangelo reportedly told Da Vinci, "I'm sorry, I started the statue from the feet up, and I'm now at his hips."

Claims of possessing the holy foreskin arose in the Middle Ages. The earliest recorded sighting came on December 25, 800 AD, when Charlemagne gave the relic to Pope Leo III, when the latter crowned the former Emperor. Charlemagne claimed that it had been brought to him by an angel while he prayed at the Holy Sepulchre, although a more prosaic report says it was a wedding gift from the Byzantine Empress Irene. The Pope, doubting the authenticity – and suffering at this time from Alzheimer's – became confused and mistook the foreskin for beef jerky three days later and ate it as a snack. The authenticity of this entire story has been questioned.

Folklore

Jesus' foreskin has long been rumored to have mystical powers, including the ability to cure male impotence and increase male endowment to whomever possesses it. A monk in 920 AD was rumored to have killed succubi and cured lesbianism using Jesus' foreskin. The foreskin was reportedly taped to the head of a staff with which he would reach out and touch the individual, grazing Jesus' foreskin along their forehead while uttering in Latin, "The phallus of Christ compels you!"

Rasputin's penis was rumored to have been of rather great endowment. One woman confessed that the first time she slept with him her orgasm was so violent that she had a seizure. Rasputin's assassin and alleged homosexual lover, Felix Yusopov, claimed that Rasputin's prowess was explained by a large wart strategically situated on his penis, which was of exceptional size. Another explanation, proposed by David Icke, is that Rasputin was in possession of Jesus' foreskin for some time, a gift he had received from alien lizard people who control a world government.

Gospel of Mary

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Jesus' foreskin.

Scholars have pointed out that the Gospel of Mary features Mary Magdalene as the central character, rather than the Virgin Mary, as evidenced by the chapter dealing exclusively with Jesus' penis. Although Jesus' mother would be considered a more accurate source for uncovering the truth about Jesus' circumcision and the fate of his foreskin, Mary Magdalene was able to shed some light on the issue of his genitals: "Jesus' prick was so pleasant to have inside of me. For nights after his crucifixion, my vagina twitched with anticipatory delight at the thought of being penetrated by him once more. We fucked like rabbits upon his return but then, like all the others, he up and left again. This time for good." She then goes on to say: "He told me the story of his botched circumcision as an infant, which he had to have later corrected as it made him ejaculate prematurely." This story would seem to indicate that there may be two remnants of Jesus' foreskin. Historians have cited her reputation for being a whore as being the reason for such detailed descriptions of Jesus' sexual performance. They have also determined that Da Vinci's mold is surprisingly accurate if Magdalene's numerous descriptions of Jesus' penis are valid.

Today

An unnamed and minor Christian cult has risen in Israel. They have rejected the idea that the Pope devoured the foreskin. To prove this, they have funded expeditions to Nazareth with the intent of digging through miles of sand and dirt in an attempt to locate it. Thus far they have found over 9000 verifiable foreskins, but have had some trouble identifying which of the many, if any, may be Jesus'. Attempts to locate a DNA sampling to compare the foreskins to other, verifiable parts of Jesus, and to find a university to test over 9000 rotten and/or dried foreskins have proven fruitless.

In 2007, a Georgia man named Bobby Lawson attempted to sell "Teh fourskim of Jesus!!!1" on eBay. The bid garnered national media attention which eventually led to the foreskin being identified as an old piece of summer sausage and deemed a blatant fraud. In an interview on Larry King Live, Lawson was inconsistent about his account of where and how he obtained the holy flesh, changing his story from a black market purchase in Moscow to a discovery he made at the time he was nearly suicide bombed by a Palestinian extremist during his sojourn to Israel.

Proposed justification for 2003 invasion of Iraq

Paper soldier

We're gonna have to come back with something, Hank, and, as you know, I'm Jewish.

In 2009 a former Israel Defense Forces intelligence officer came forward and claimed that his team was personally contacted by the Bush administration prior to the US-led invasion of Iraq. The Bush administration, he says, was seeking information on the possibility of Jesus' foreskin being kept in Baghdad. "I told him that as far as the ambiguous history on the foreskin is concerned, there is a high possibility that Jesus' foreskin ended up back in the Byzantine Empire and eventually Mesopotamia," said the officer to UnNews, "Karl Rove went on to tell me, 'Good. That'll work. If it turns out there aren't any WMDs, terrorists, or giant, biologically engineered camel spiders, then we'll use this as the last contingent justification. If the foreskin isn't there either, then I don't know what we're gonna say."

See also

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