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“GODDAMN! That jester I just shot had cubs! Now I'll have to kill them too. God I hate killing jester cubs. The way they look at you with those big eyes, tinkle their little bells and tap you with their tiny little bladders-on-sticks! It near breaks my heart. Still, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Oh well, looks like jester meat tonight.”
“Sometimes you have to be cruel to get an erection.”
Jesters were a widely sought after prey animal in the Middle Ages. Prized for their tender, succulent, melt-in-the-mouth motley coloured flesh, as well as for their distinctive tri-partite trophy horns, or 'cap', jesters were a popular delicacy.
For the most part, jesters were a treat enjoyed exclusively by the nobility, with large sections of their castles set aside as reserves for the jesters to multiply unmolested until the jester season opened.The poaching of jesters by the lower classes was a problem the nobility dealt with in their typical gentle and understanding way.
Jesters were brought to near extinction around 1564, with the invention of more sophisticated weaponry. Attempts to protect the species were were drowned out by a swelling demand for jester hide costumes that could be used in 'Ziggy' Shakespeare's popular plays.
The jester, or non sapiens sapiens, begins its life in the royal court. The mature jester, swollen with eggs, wanders the court in the hope of finding a host in which to lay its young. Typically it lays these eggs down the hosts oesophagus. The jester thus needs to wait until the prospective host opens its mouth widely, such as when they laugh or shout. Mature jesters will often wander the court, bopping people with their bladders and uttering such amazing witticisms as 'la, nuncle!' and 'marry, good sir' or even the sure-to-get-a-rise 'prithee, good sir, have your wind instruments been in Naples that they speak i'the nose thus?' in order to get the potential hosts to laugh and open their mouths wide enough for the jester to lay its eggs in the host's oesophagus.
When this fails to work, the jester will then force its organs of reproduction into the startled host's mouth and deposit thousands of its tiny eggs in the host's throat. This is the origin of the phrase 'wrap your laughing gear around this!'
This experience is incredibly traumatic and most jester hosts will block the event from their conscious minds. However, the event will inevitably leave scars on the host's psyche and throat. This is the direct cause of many people's fear of clowns.
The eggs will slowly travel down the oesophagus, before finally coming to reside in the stomach. After 3 months of gradual maturation, the eggs will hatch. The larval jester spends another 3 months maturing, frolicking in the stomach acid of its host and growing to proper strength. After this time, the host will feel an overwhelming urge to vomit. This they will do, releasing thousands of mature jester larvae into sewerage systems, floors, or wherever it is people choose to upchuck.
Fortunato, a Douche who pissed off some guy named Montresor. His attempts to lay eggs failed, as he was bricked up into a wall for 50 years. The detective Edgar Allan Poe recorded Montresor's confession. Krusty the Clown, a jester in disguise. Suprisingly, Grues are a common host of jester eggs. Those who do not turn into ubergrues will become jesters. Domo-kun is the only known grue to survive a jester infection.
The popular cookbook, The Feast of Fools or festum stultorum, has many delicious ways to prepare a jester. The following is an excerpt from this amazing manual.
1 mature jester (or a whole litter of jester cubs)
Shotgun (if needed)
Try jesters for heresy. Burn at the stake. Season burnt corpse. If they try to run away use the shotgun.
1 mature jester
Immerse jester in water until the thrashing stops.
1 mature jester Baseball bat
Beat jester until it reaches a uniform consistency.
2 mature jesters
13 jester cubs
Choke 1 of the adult jesters.
Bang the other one.
Bake corpse until crispy.
Season. Insert jester cubs.
Use belt sander to remove look of surprise from mature jester's face.