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It is said Jessie Ventura tore his arm off and beat a smartass orphan to death with it. In short, Jessie Ventura is a badass. He would whoop vandam's ass with ease. Jessie Ventura was a great soldier of mythical proportions even better than Hercules. See Hercules vs. Jessie Ventura. In this article we'll describe his exploits and greatness, Jessie Ventura bangs your mom every night while you sleep and will sometimes smack your dad around like he's a bitch.
Jessie Ventura lives in Jamaica smoking pot now, he has been there hiding from the United States government. He is allowed to secretly into the United States to bang your mom,slap your dad around,teabag him, then drink an entire bottle of Jack Daniels.Little has been known about his exploits in Jamaica, but they said he's been busy burning bars to the ground, riding bicycles butt-ass naked,and attacking Disney cruise lines from ruining his alcohol/pot paradise. Jessie Ventura the man who runs these streets was forced into exile after his own personal war, see Jessie Ventura vs. the U.S. Navy. After the war the US exiled Jessie Ventura to Jamaica.
edit Jessie's Childhood
It is said Jessie Ventura has been drinking Jack Daniels since he was five years old. When he was seven years old he took up weightlifting. When he was ten he put a kid in a wheelchair. When Jessie was thirteen he and his freinds would go out into the woods, he became a great marksman quickly he shot out every kid in his neighbourhood eyes out without taking a solid hit. His obsession with naval warfare came about when he was hiring new freinds to have wars with so he could put their eye out.
edit Battle of Great Death Pond
He got out on large pond about a hundred yards away from the shore and shooting out people's eyes from the at distance.Soon Jessie using his pimping skills to put the local hoes to work. When he was 15 he had made enough money to build his own port on one side of the pond an enemy port on the other side. His port was equipped with a bar with full of Jack Daniels and STD infected prostitutes. He had built one battleship and two cruisers which he built himsself. The battleship The S.S. Ventura was about 35 feet long and a crew of 20 to man the the guns and run the ship. The Cruisers were 15 feet long and each had a crew of 10. The Cruisers names were the S.S. JES and the S.S.Sie. The enemy was a group of punks from out of town who would get about 5,000 dollars should they win on Jessie's great pond of death. They had 2 battleships and 3 cruisers. Jessie's crews were equipped with Jessie's homemade artillery cannons and 30-30 rifle's. See battle of Great Death pond.
edit The 'Death' bit
Jessie killed the captain's on both battleships with a 30-30. Jessie took advantage of their disorder and put his cannon's right on them.Turning sideways so he can pound both battleships with the front and back guns. His crew was well trained and was able to sink both battleships destroying their battleships.
The Cruisers put heavy fire right on to Jessie's battleship. The last thing Jessie heard was fire coming from the port side before he was blown off the ship and his entire crew was killed on board. He had to swim underwater to try to avoid sniper fire from the cruisers. While he underwater one of his cruisers destroyed another cruiser but was destroyed in the proccess. Jessie climbed aboard one of the enemy's cruisers and shot two of the enemy with a single-shot 30-30. He beat three more of the enemy with his rifle. He pulled out a tomahawk descended to the lower deck of the cruiser and chopped five men's heads off, took control of the cruiser and rammed it into the the other cruiser sinking it.
He beached the cruiser drank half a bottle of whiskey in one gulp and said as he looked upon the burning ships and corpses floating in the water and said " The horror,the Horror!!." right after that he put a 30-30 into an enemy survivor in Jessie's words " Right in the fucking head."
Africa had enraged him because a black man who he believed to be from Africa stole 23 bottles of Jack Daniels from his locker. To this Jessie responded by raiding a malt liqour warehouse with his white freinds and destroying all the malt liqour, see The Detroit Malt party. Jessie's battleplan went like this from using anti-ship missiles to destroy South African Navy ships from a distance. run into gun range and fight ship to ship once he destroyed the South African Navy set a nuclear depth to 30 feet and launch it into the harbor of Johannasburg in South Africa. Once he had destroyed the South African Navy and capital were destroyed, Jessie would proceed to use anti-personnel shells, incendiary shells and Anti-Blackie shells and shell every black settlement within 12 miles of the shore.
Once he destroyed all of the black settlements near the shore he would dismount and grab all of his small arms and he and his crew would hunt down and kill anyone they saw on contact once they burned through South Africa they would go back to the ship back to the U.S. Reload on weapons and do every African country the same way (even the land locked ones). That is why Jessie Ventura joined the U.S. Navy, to captain his own ship of doom. He told the recruiter he wanted to be a captain. He wanted to be a captain because he had previous experience. He was put as a private after boot camp and other U. S. Naval training. Jessie Ventura liked being the part of being on a ship and drinking and screwing whores when in port.
edit Around the time of the Vietnam War
Jessie on his off time at sea would sit with binoculars, with a rifle, a radio and binoculars hoping to see the ship first which they would attack. He was surprised to hear their hadn't been a ship to ship battle in 25 years, and an invention called radar and radar guided missiles had made Ship-to-Ship battles obsolete. He realised if he didn't get some war on his chest soon he might never get to captain ship. Fortunately, there was a War going on called Vietnam (see Vietnam Hoax) and the navy needed Navy Seals to help fight it.
It took Jessie Ventura 6 months to become a SEAL during this period the Navy transformed Jessie into the most hardcore badass ever. Jessie could bench 500 pounds and shoot people from 500 meters away, throw grenades from the goal line to the 70 yard line.Jessie was put in a sqaud with five other dudes. Jessie had to maneuver his men to ambush a VC general. They creeped up on a group of 300 men where the general was camping out. They laid claymores, to stop the anyone from following them. They crept up on them and prepaired to shoot the general, his senior officers and laydown hellfire and get the hell out of dodge.
They found the General's senior officers and had them in sight, still hiding in the jungle just outside the camp waiting for the General to emerge. The general emerged from his tent it was Hercules! What a twist the lovable character from a disney movie was a pinko communist! Orpheus stood behind Hercules along with a 3 headed dog. Hercules revealed his master plan which he drew with crayons on construction paper. Orpheus would get out in a raft playing electric lyra,and sing his rock and roll would distract the sailors aboard an aircraft carrier, Hercules, his three headed dog and his best soldiers would row up behind the aircraft carrier and climb a rope to the top deck he then would kill everyone onboard and destroy the aircraft carrier.
The planes coming off of the carrier were pounding VC position daily and Hercules was gonna destroy it and claim a victory.They were spotted by VC, and attacked. Jessie Ventura and his sqaud laid waste to his senior officers immediately and started gunning down everyone he saw. Hercules threw his spear killing two of Jessie's men. They immeidiately shot hercules but the bullets bounced off his chest.
A grenade landed next to the sqaud killing everyone except jessie. Jessie threw grenade, it exploded knocking Hercules off his feet causing Hercules to twist his ankle.Unable to pursue Jessie through the jungle, Hercules ordered his troops to chase him down.Jessie Ventura was able to avoid the three headed dog, elite VC and Orpheus's electric lyra of death.
Jessie Ventura was able to death.They gave Jessie the option to go home, but Jessie Ventura was hell bent on destroying africa and said he would not leave.Jessie Ventura was put on guard on base in which he was drunk and fell into a vat of toxic waste. Out of this waste emerged superVentura. He was able to see in the dark carry over 30,000 pounds above his head and take massive ammounts of damage. The only thing which could destroy superVentura, while he was pumping with adrenaline or horny was a poison arrow. He was put in a sqaud with Oscar Wilde, Tom Cruise and Adam Corrolla.