Jessica Rabbit

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Jessica

Dude, she's just a cartoon like you and me. Stop looking at her like that.

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Jessica Rabbit.

Jessica Ffarquhar Rabbit née Titson (October 28, 1913 - February 25, 2010) is an American singer, stripper, actress, cocaine addict and advertising icon. Her marriage to star Roger Rabbit is perhaps an even bigger reason for fame than all of her original roles put together.

edit Birth

Jessica was born as Jessica Gordon in the town of Hope Springs in Bogus County, in the heart of Conneticut. She grew up in a small little house named Slut House, which lay on Penis Street. Her parents were John-Thomas Peniston, a friendly neighbourhood mugger, and Mary-Hinge Peniston, a local prostitute. Little is known about her parents other than Jessica was their only child, and both came from a poor background.

edit Education

Having been raised as a destitute, Jessica had little education, but she was granted entry into the Mickey Mouse Club, where she was indoctrinated by the ideals of the Disneyland organisation.

Through Disneyland, Jessica was given a decent state education, and soon became the ideal role-model for girls in Disneyland, with enormous breasts, thin waist and small vagina. In other words, she looked like a stick insect with boobs that made beachballs look small.

In 1930, Jessica graduated from the Disneyland College of Superior Maidens, with a Double Major Degree in Evil Scheming and World Languages, partly because of her intelligence, but mostly because of her massive jahooies.Jessica paid for her college entirely convincing the dean to give her a full scholarship. However, the Degree came to little use as she was welcomed into Disneyland anyway, partly because she was a good propaganda tool, but mostly because Mickey Mouse wanted a way of getting to her without Minnie Mouse cutting off his balls with a butcher knife.

edit Entering Disneyland

After her education, Jessica was welcomed into Disneyland as one of their leading ladies, alongside other notable female celebrities like Minnie Mouse, Daisy Duck and Peg Pete. Since her education, Jessica had made a considerable profit appearing in propaganda films for Disney, and had since moved out of her parent's run-down Conneticut home and moved into Disneyland itself.

edit Role in Disneyland

Officially, Jessica was granted the title of Supreme Oberleutnant of the S.S. High Command (S.S. being Seduction Squad, of which few are privileged to join.) It was in the S.S. that Jessica used her little power to try and win over the male populace in the attempt by Disneyland to brainwash the masses.

Although she worked hard on this project, Jessica's role had been quickly painted into a corner, using her solely as an incentive for gullible male voters, something that Jessica gladly used, seeing as she had nothing better to do.

Aswell as working in Disneyland, she was also the personal-whore of Captain Jack Sparrow. She became pregnant but Jack had gone to sea spreading the word about Bill Bailey or 'The New Jesus'. For 18 years she raised their crack addicted daughter Miley Cyrus until she handed her over to Jack and ran off to Canada for 2 years. When she came back, she heard that Miley was sailing with Jack and said "I hope that she didn't start dope."

edit Marriage

In 1940, Jessica married Roger Rabbit, another arranged marriage by the state. However, Jessica and Roger had been dating before that time, and so it was the only known arranged marriage in Disneyland that seemed to work.

When Roger Rabbit sought asylum in Great Britain after being hounded out of the country by goons of Bugs Bunny, Jessica acted as emissary for her husband and Disneyland. Since his return to Disneyland, however, Jessica has lived with her husband in their home within the Disneyland Confederation.

edit Film Career

Due to her rather boring position in Disneyland, Jessica has attempted to begin a film career, that so far consists of only two films.

edit Who Framed Roger Rabbit

In 1988, Jessica and Roger both gave consent to have their likenesses portrayed in the film, Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Curiously, Jessica has never actually commented on the film herself, despite speculation that she was angry that her breasts were made too small in the film. However her appearance lead to many male orgasms over the next twenty years.

edit Illness and Death

On November 30, 2009, Jessica announced that she was suffering from breast cancer and had been for six months. She also revealed that doctors had given her just months to live. She currently underwent treatment in Sacred Heart hospital. On December 22, Jessica was released from Sacred Heart, doctors stated that she appeared to be stable and that her health had not deteriorated significantly.

On February 25, 2010, her condition rapidly worsened with doctors predicting her death was "imminent". She died later that evening in her sleep, due to multiple organ failure at the age of 96.

edit See also

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