Jessica "Don't call me latina" Alba
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Hey Jess, see you at my party in Melbourne.”
Jessica Marie Alba is a Mexican Actress, Kitchen maid, and scort. She is best known for her roles in Sin City and Sin City 2 and several mexican porn movies. It is said her burrito breath can bring a dead puppy back to life. She is 58 years old, 5'9" tall, weighs 141 pounds and is hotter than burning house.
Jessica Marie Alba was born in Durando, Mexico on December 25, 1951 by Esperanza Bustillo Carreño and Juan Pedro Alba Benitez. Her mother was a seamstress from Mexico, but her father was a Drug dealer from Cuba. While making a porn movie in the Mos Eisley cantina on Tattooine, Jessica Alba was conceived in March 1951. Jessica was born a male but an accident which involved a carnivorous parrot forced her to undergo a sex change surgery.
Having been born to two non-humans, Jessica was put up for adoption and was adopted by Mark Cuban. Jessica spent her childhood growing up in Mexico city working as a street vendor and prostitute. At age 11, she was kidnapped on her way home from the streets by 3 men. The evil men were known for raping and murdering young girls and Jessica was about to be their next victim until she was saved by Eva Longoria, who sacrificed her cunt to save Jessica's, on his last day as a prostitute before retirement. She later forgot of his death and moved to the place where all dead people who aren't senior citizens live: Florida. She eventually had to be told by Haley Joel Osmont that he was already dead.
Jessica, traumatized by these events for years, joined the Military at age sixteen in hopes of forgetting her past memories. Jessica worked as prostitutes in places such as Mississippi, New Orleans, Rio, Amsterdam, Atlanta, Baltimore, Detroit, Houston, Astana, Mos Eisley, and Philadelphia, where she had seen things so drastic and nasty, that she had forgotten about her childhood, altogether. Because of this, she had also forgotten who her birth parents were, and thus she refuses to be called Latina in spite of her beaner face. At seventeen, Jessica returned home and fell in love with a fellow high school classmate of hers, named Elongated Man. The two had a serious relationship, up until she was eighteen. Jessica had started having funny things happen to her, such as the ability to bring dead baby animals back to life with her beauty and the ability to not need to go to the bathroom, anymore. After all, Angels don't need to defecate.
Beacuse of the weird things happening to her, Jessica Alba did not understand what was happening to her. Because of this, Elongated Man dumped her and unsuccessfully tried a relationship with Supergirl, instead. Because of her changes, Jessica spent much of her time indoors after graduation, and eventually, developed OCD. This perhaps, coming from her next-door neighbor, Howie Mandel. Because of her health problems, Jessica Alba left Sin City for San Andreas on the West Coast. There, Jessica Alba got adjusted to her new abilities, such as Super Speed, Superhuman Strength, Super Durability, and ReAnimation. However, living in Rodeo in Los Santos, everyone was too high to notice what Jessica Alba suddenly could do. With a strong interest in the Medical field, Alba attended Hollywood Upstairs Medical College and got a degree in "Hospitality". On her first day on the job, however, Jessica accidentally brought a dying acting agent back to life with her smile, when a coworker named Scott Baio told her how he used to be in show business and made her laugh accidentally.
Early Acting Career
With her powers, Jessica Alba was able to get the acting agent to sign her and promised to make her a star in return for saving his life. This man was a young, then-unknown James Cameron. So, Jessica moved to Hollywood, California and started to work on both her Superhero Career, and her Acting Career. In the 90's Jessica got a small role in the 1995 movie, Phantoms playing Phantom #3. They liked her so much, the crew hired her as the role of Samus in the Nintendo video game, Metroid. During the game, no one knew that the 6'5" android they were playing as was a woman, until the end of the game.
In 1998, Jessica Alba had gotten her superheroics degree from DeVry Online. She first put her powers to work by smashing up the set of Batman and Robin and saving the world from the ultra-shitty Michael Bay film. Later that year, she got a recurring role as Jennifer England in the show, Sister, Sister, playing the best friend to the cuter Lowery Twin. (whatever happened to them?)
In 1999, Alba dyed her hair Blonde from Dark Brown in order to get more noticed in Hollywood. Because of this, Jessica Alba appeared in a bunch of small films in minor roles. Her most notable one was as "That 70's Girl" in the film, Into The Blue. In 2000, her old friend, James Cameron, made a sci-fi television series loosely based on the life and times of Jessica Alba. Titled, Dark Angel, the show took place in a Sin City bar and had starred Alba as Jessica Maxwell, playing a snarky bartender and occasional stripper in assless chaps at the bar. The show won Oustanding New Comedy Series at the 2001 Golden Globes.
The 2002, the show was canceled by Fox and Jessica took on many small superhero gigs as the hero Honey in order to pay rent. In 2003, Alba picked up her career by starring in the insirational docudramentary, "Sin City", about the lives of five young people, growing up in one of America's most dangerous cities. The docudramentary won five Oscars that year, one of which was won by Alba, as Best Supporting Actress, and the movie has inspired a popular graphic novel by Frank Miller, the famous beer maker, behind Miller beer. The award win launched Jessica Alba's career into superstardom.
Prominent Acting Career
2004 - 2005
In 2004, Jessica Alba was cast as the lead female role in the live action film adaptation of The Smurfs, playing Smurfette. She co-starred with Robin Williams (Poppa Smurf), Jake Gyllenhaal (Smarty Smurf) and Anna Nicole Smith (Anna Nicole Smurf). She later appeared in the live action movie version of The Peanuts, playing the adult love desire of Charlie Brown, played by Frankie Muniz.
In 2005, Jessica relunctantly took the role of Donna in the movie version of That 70's Show, entitled "That 70's Movie" after Laura Prepon dropped out, saying that "I'd rather eat cow turds than ever work with those losers, again!" However, much of the original cast had signed on, including Ashton Kutcher, Wilder Valderrama, and What's-His-Face Masterson. Topher Grace's role was played by Masterson's brother, who was on Malcolm in the Middle as Francis. This was due to Jessica's connection with her Peanuts co-star. On the set of the movie, Jessica Alba fell in love with and starting dating Mark Wahlberg, who has a cameo in the movie as the sheriff of Point Place, Wisconsin. Meanwhile, Topher went on to ruin Spider-Man 3 and Prepon went on to star in a quickly-canceled ABC drama. In July 2005, "That 70's Movie" opened at #1 at the box office, pulling in $21 Million and beating out ''The Honeymooners" and "Bewitched" movies.
The Playboy Scandal
After the premiere of these two movies, Jessica Alba appeared in an issue of Playboy magazine, as "Sex Pot of the Year", beating out Halle Berry and Victoria Beckham, who nobody knows who that is in this country. Alba demanded that Playboy had used her image and likeness without her promission (from her upcoming film, Skid Row, where she plays the princess to a skateboarding legend), and had ordered a Cease and Desist against Playboy, but Hugh Hefner was all "Like shit I am, bitch!" and continued to make a heavy profit on the issue. Jessica Alba planned on suing Hugh Hefner, however, she later dropped the lawsuit after receiving a personal apology from Playboy owner Hugh Hefner who agreed to make donations to two charities that Alba has supported. One was the No Fatties Alliance of America, which gave makeovers and diet programs to unattractive and out of shape males, age 18 to 50. The other was the Tits for Teens Program, a charity for flat-chested teenagers to afford breast implants.
The Fantastic Foursome
Jessica Alba, at this point in her career, had managed to juggle being an actress by day and playing a superhero at night, now under her new guise as the "Purple Cat". Later on in 2005, Sue Storm of the Fantastic Four sued Alba and others for stealing away her business and causing the Four to go into bankruptcy, as part of a Class Action suit. Jessica Alba insisted the group was losing success because of them just sucking so much, and not because of her involvement in the business. Alba always thought of the Fantastic Four as "mediocre, at best" superheroes. Having saved a group of schoolchildren from a burning building by herself, Jessica said that the Fantastic Four just "weren't that good."
I mean, who the hell cares about the Fantastic Four!? We have "Mr. Fantastic", whose main power is to stretch. "Oooh! Look at me! I'm going to stretch around you! Oooooh! I have all the abilities of a Rubber Band!" Then, we have Sue Storm aka The Invisible Woman. She was originally created in the 1950's. So I guess that's saying the only time a woman is useful is when she's Invisible! They later upgraded her to have an invisible forcefield and manipulate energy fields, and even then, she still sucks!
And then we have, The Thing, a big, orange turd. I mean, even his name is unimpressing. I mean, a "thing" is something you call an object that you cannot name. So, we have a superhero who's so sucky, he doesn't even have a name. He's just that "thing." How lame is that? I mean, I guess his superpower is being all strong and all, but then, he really isn't even that strong. I mean, he's like the 10th strongest superhuman out there, behind The Hulk, Superman, Juggernaut, She-Hulk, Wonder Woman, Supergirl, and three others I can't even think of, right now. He's not even up there that far.
The only half-way decent guy they've got is Johnny Storm. He's made of fire, he can shoot fire, and fly. And he's just "average", at best. I mean, isn't flying like a basic superpower? When you think of a "Superhero," isn't "flying"one of the top things you think of? I mean, for real! Johnny Storm would be the only one who could actually stand a chance to beat a supervillain by himself, if he wasn't such a wuss, that is. And kind of a loser, who's not even really that funny. But at least, he's a chauvinist. Even the four of them can just barely beat Dr. Doom, a nobody villain who can barely do anything. So, yeah, these four are supposed to be "Earth's Greatest Heroes"? I think not.
2006 - The Present
Alba hired green amazon and expert defense attorney Jennifer Garner as her lawyer. Elongated Man, stood as one of Alba's friends who knew her abilities. In early 2006, Judge Larry Seidlin ruled in favor of the individuals being put on trial, ruling that "the Fantastic Four, do indeed, suck." With all the mess that she got into, Jessica Alba decided to temporally retire from being a superheroine.
She decided to try her hand at directing and soon started dating Zach Braff of Scrubs. But only because he has superpowers too as "Daydreamer Boy", and hypnotized Alba into liking him. In 2006, Alba directed King King, Mission: Impossible 3, and "The Da Vinci Code". Hazed by critics everywhere for her directing skills, Jessica Alba returned to acting in the November 2006 hit film Skid Row. There, she co-starred with her old friend, James Cameron's little sister, Camereon Diaz. Ironically, Diaz went on to play the role of Sue Storm in the 2007 "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer" movie, even though she was not a natural blonde, or skinny enough to pull off a convincing Sue Storm.
On December 25, 2006, Jessica Alba celebrated her 25th birthday, with a birthday bash in Los Angeles. When he failed to show up for this big event, Jessica Alba and Mark Wahlberg got into a fight and Alba ended up dumping him on New Year's Eve 2006.
In early 2007, Alba began working on the movie version of "Lonely Hearts", where she co-stars with Natalie Portman as two, nerdy, "unattractive" women who somehow can't meet a man. It was on the set of this movie, Jessica Alba got ambushed by a bunch of evil supervillains, including her Purple Cat arch nemesis, Dr. Colossus. It was there, Jessica first coined her now-popular catchphrase, "Somehow, I don't think this is happening to Natalie Portman!" Jessica/The Purple Cat eventually beat all of her would-be captors, but a movie set intern captured everything on his cell phone camera and posted the video on YouTube, where the phrase gained worldwide popularity, and spawned a series "I Don't Think This Is Happening To Natalie Portman!" imitation videos and tributes.
In June 2007, Jessica Alba started dating Morgan Freeman on the set of "The Narrator Movie." Claiming she has a thing for "older men," the two sparked chemistry on the set of their movie. When asked by Access Hollywood if she would like to have kids or not, Alba stated that she wanted to have no less than 12 children (one for each month of the year!). After only three months, though, Jessica Alba and Morgan Freeman broke up, claiming that he sleeps too much and that "eighteen hours of sleep a day is no way to do a relationship." "The Narrator Movie" opened November 2nd, 2007.
As of right now, Jessica Alba is currently dating me and me and her are doing just fine. You, however, are jealous and you want her all for yourself because things between you and Goldie didn't work out and now, she's all dead and you can't find her killer and all. Well, that's not my fault, Buddy.
Jessica Alba is currently shooting "Whiteout: The Movie!" and has just wrapped up shooting "Eye Eye, Captain!", "Sin City 2: Now 10% Bloodier!", and "The Comebacks". She also has a cameo appearance in the Rock Bottom movie playing herself, which is set for release in 2008.
Jessica's first act of heroism was to save the world from the film Batman and Robin. In 2002, Jessica Alba donned the Orange and Purple suit to become the superhero Honey, with an alias as "Honey Holly". Alba's biggest career note as "Honey", was saving the life of Missy Elliott when she tried to climb into a giant vat of hot Caramel.
In late 2004, Alba changed her superhero gimmick to being "The Purple Cat." Although she insisted that she was *not* the Purple Cat, despite her and Alba having the same height, body shape, hair, skin tone, and voice. However, during the premiere of Alba's "That 70's Movie," Paparazzi broke into her car trunk and found her outfit. They posted it on the internet, revealing the Purple Cat's secret idenitity was that of Jessica Alba. Alba repayed them back by hiring Storm to kill them in an "accidental" snow avalanche in Beverly Hills. Later that year, she saved a group of New York schoolchildren from a burning building because Spider-Man had temporally retired from the business. However, Peter Parker was seen running into the building to assist Jessica Alba. But only cause he thought it'd impress her.
In 2005, Alba was sued by the Fantastic Four for stealing away their business. Toward the end of 2005, Jessica amongst other superheroes, including Elongated Man won the case with help from Jennifer Garner.
In 2006, Jessica Alba won "Superheroine of the Year" at the Supies awards show.
In 2007, all of Jessica Alba/ The Purple Cat's enemies tried ambushing her backstage, including Dr. Colossus, The Spider Queen, Shego, Bowling Ball Boy, Port Man, The Lazy Gator, Lindsey Lohan, and The Male and Female Siamese Twins. With help from Natalie Portman, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, and Bart Man, The Purple Cat beat all her enemies in one final showdown. It was here, Jessica Alba coined her now-famous catchphrase, "I Don't Think This Is Happening To Natalie Portman!"
Later in 2007, Jessica Alba and her Purple Cat superhero persona was officially offered a spot in the Justice League. Alba turned down the prestigious position though, stating "I only do Marvel. Sorry, DC."
Jessica Alba is still fighting crime, kicking butt, and taking names as the Purple Cat, but at a far less rate now than ever before, due to her film career. She has made amends with her Fantastic Four foes and now has hired them as her "personal crimefighting assistants". You can see their work on their own Cartoon Network reality series, "Fantastic Four: World's Greatest Heroes".
- Rock Bottom (2008)
- Sin City 2: Now 10% Bloodier! (2008)
- Eye Eye, Captain! (2008)
- WhiteOut: The Movie! (2008)
- The Narrator Movie (2007)
- The Comebacks (2007)
- Lonely Hearts (2007)
- Skid Row (2006)
- The Da Vinci Code - Director (2006)
- Mission: Impossible 3 - Director (2006)
- King Kong - Director (2006)
- That 70's Movie (2005)
- Peanuts (2004)
- The Smurfs (2004)
- Sin City (2003)
- Dark Angel - TV Series (2000-2002)
- Into The Blue (1999)
- Beakmans World - TV Series (1996)
- Super Metroid - Super Nintendo (1995)
- Phantoms (1995)
- 2001 Outstanding New Comedy Series for "Dark Angel" - Golden Globes
- 2002 Best Supporting Actress for "Sin City" - The Academy Awards (Oscars)
- 2005 Woman of the Year - The "Tits for Teens" charity
- 2006 Superheroine of the Year - The Supies Superhero Awards
- 2007 EPA Celebrity Trooper Award - The 2007 Enviroment Protection Agency Awards
- 2008 Girl I’d most like a Blow Job from - Every Guy Ever
These are the known aliases of "Jessica Marie Alba", although that last one might not be 100% accurate.
- Jessica Alba
- Jessica Biel
- Jessica Simpson 2
- The "Dark Angel"
- The "Angel of Justice"
- The Hottest Woman on Earth
- Superheroine "Honey" aka "Honey Holly"
- Superheroine The "Purple Cat" aka "Jessica Alba"
- "John Mark Karr"
- Sin City
- Elongated Man
- Frankie Muniz
- Felicity HUFFman
- Bruce Willis
- Robert Loggia
- Hollywood Upstairs Medical College
- James Cameron
- James Cameron Diaz
- Devry Online
- Into The Blue
- Frank Miller
- The Smurfs Movie
- The Simpsons Movie sucked
- The Peanuts Movie
- Charlie Brown
- That 70's Movie
- Wilder Valderrama
- C'mon, Lazlow. You know OG Loc ain't no Playboy. I ain't down for that shit!
- Hugh Hefner
- Hugh Huffman
- Devon Sawa
- Idle Hands
- No Fatties Alliance of America
- Tits for Teens
- The Fantastic Four Suck
- Jennifer Garner
- Dr. Colossus
- Natalie Portman
- Morgan Freeman
- Goldie Hawn
- Rock Bottom
- Al Gore