From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The Jesii (plural form of Jesus, sometimes spelled "Jesi" by morons) are the brothers of Jesus who fill in for him on sick days and help him pick ties for Wacky Tacky Tie Friday. They also help other people when Jesus seems to be doing okay on His own. Their current project is to make Jim Davis realize what a dickhole he is.
The Jesii are also the 50 entities Jesus split himself into when he was torn between attending a practice Armageddon and a dinner party in 2005. Only one of the Jesii went to practice, while the remaining had a fabulous time at the party. The 50 original Jesii have since split and recombined many times, so it is impossible to know at any given time how many Jesii there are. Some of the longer lasting entities who are Jesii are listed below.
edit Members of the Jesiii
edit Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt
Ol' Ted is the coolest of the Jesii, and probably the second or third most jolly. (Richard Nixon maintains the biased opinion that he holds the 4th spot on the jolly list) After seizing control of America in 2813, he decided to save the world again by resetting the silly, outdated Gregorian calender back to 1812 to end the War Famine of 2810. He does not like Garfield at all.
edit Santa Claus
Santa Claus, whose alliance with the Pope has been all too apparent for the last 1200 years, is undeniably the most jolly of the Jesii (Richard Nixon maintains the biased opinion that the only reason Santa gets to be number one most jolly is because he wrote the list himself). He usually spends his time creeping around Myanmar and the Malay Peninsula to find whores to impregnate so he can create slaves for his sweat shops. He has a strong dislike for Garfield.
edit Donkey Kong
Donkey Kong cannot dance. He can use his super strength to pick up anybody anywere and run off the side of the world with them. This is just a minor incovenience to him concidering he can not die. He thinks Garfield is gay. Jesus hates donkey kong. with a passion. J-unit thinks south park is too cool for words. After he aired in it several times..
edit Michael J. Fox
Michael "Jitters" Fox is the only member of the Jesii who was adopted into the brotherhood of Christ. Like all terminally ill celebrities, God forgave all of his sins (including the sin of starring in not one but three Back to the Future movies) after he was diagnosed. He used his money to start some sorry-ass foundation or whatever for other little sick kids he pretends to care about just so he can keep his identity as one of the Jesii secret. His popularity with God, however, has started slipping since he started endorsing stem cell research, something that God's spokesmen have repeatedly reminded us was a sin. Probably the only thing that keeps God from disowning Mikey is the fact that he doesn't think Garfield is very funny.
edit Jeff Probst
Jeff Probst, while legally a Jesus by blood, is usually either hosting his hit reality show, "Survivor", or banging whatever whore on the show he can get his greedy little hands on. He is the youngest of the Jesii, still only 6 years from when he was bioengineered by CBS. He makes sure not to buy any newspaper that prints Garfield. Probst has won the Nobel Peace Prize a number of times by claiming that he was in fact, a television star. The Nobel Monkeys thought this funny and awarded him not only the prize, but the soundtrack to it, featuring Bob Marley and the Underground band, Green Hay.
Being a Jesus, Probst has been known to undertake large migrations on the back of a jet ski, usually from a remote island to New York City with an uncomfortably large pot full of votes. His Jesii powers include resistance to starvation and dehydration, with some claiming he actually passes into other dimensions to write hatemail to Garfield.
edit Gage Flynn
A 17 year old living in Wilmington North Carolina, is great at dancing. she hates Garfield with an undying passion, and has no penis, instead having a short spaghetti noddle. Was kicked from the Jesii in 1932 1/2, for being completely lame.
edit Master Chief
Created by the Jesii in response to Bill O'Reilly's Covenent war on Earth, he is considered by many to be the most badass of the Jesii (thou not true as the #1 position is currently held by Jesusaurus Rex) He killed Garfield eleventy three times in the battle of Corneria, and is currently floating in space, waiting for George Bush to grow some balls.
edit Will Smith
A more recent member of the Jesii, inducted after his incredibly badass performance in "I am Legend". He had to under go many trials to be inducted. First, he had to prove his cunning by killing a bunch of evil Darkseekers. Then, using his magic powers, he struck down the heresy that WAS chuck Norris. A mortal is quoted as saying, "There can only be one Chuck Norris, and that's Will Smith." He wonders why everyone hates Garfield. He just sees him as "misunderstood."
His membership was later revoked when a passer-by noticed that his performance in 'I Am Legend' was laughable and it was a fairly shit film.
Demico, one of the newer, younger members of the sacred reign of the jesii, has become jesus' bodygaurd. he sports bulletproof flesh, defensive tentacles extending from his groin, and an IQ of 230. he has replaced Chuck Norris as Uber Beast of the universe. he has a beard that is the enV of many, and does not intend to let jesus down, no matter how many Romans or Jews get in his way. In addition, an MP3 player and headphones have been infused into his anatomy, allowing him to crush all jewish and antichristian opponents (like Dan Sprayjew) with his christian hymns, including, but not limited to, "Ass and ," "I'm Horny," and "Vi Sitter Har I Venten Och Spelar Lite Dota."
edit The Green Lantern
He, of all Justice Leaguians, is truly, bad-ass, but more than Superman. He is the only black person of the Jesii, excluding Will Smith, who is cooler than black. He walked with Martin Luther King Jr. and beat up his assasin while in jail. He sees no point in Jim Carey movies.
This guy is actualy the beast jesii you would ever see.He lived his life to achive the tru power and to become god a.k.a. the true Jessus.Also Ilidin spent 10.000 years truing to get in girls pants.
A 9000000 century old demon, whose current residence is in Hell, Michigan. He enjoys to eat deep fried souls and has a 12000000000000000000000000000000000000000000-inch penis.
edit Your taxdollars at work
Few people know how the Jesii work for them in their neighborhoods. The Jesii have recently launched an awareness campaign to spread the word about how they improve the lives of millions upon trillions of Americans every nanosecond. They pass out ping pong balls made from non-recycled material which bear their slogan, "Hit me with a fresh one, suga!" This crypic message is the very driving force behind the Jesii and all their good works.
edit Jesii in the Media
- Stephen Colbert featured the Jesii as "The Word" on his TV show, The Colbert Report
- Jim Davis filed a lawsuit against the Jesii in 1508, claiming that they used his face in a porno without his permission
- Bill O'Reilly is still a pussy
- Tom Cruise has regularly expressed his desire to be one of the Jesii, and now has decided that the only way to become a Jesii is to get SARS
- The New York Times published a cartoon about the Jesii in 1908 drawn by Bill O'Reilly, who is still a large, sandy vagina
- Super Pope awarded the Jesii the "World's Best Friend" award in 2012
- Yep, he's a big pussy. Bill O'Reilly has sand in his pussy.
edit Jesii in space
The Jesii made the decision to explore the final frontier in 1995 inspired by the public release of the Java programming platform. They finished construction of their base of operations two minutes later in 1996. This establishment was originally dedicated by the name "Lasagna's RE-venge", but was later renamed "International Space Station" after Teddy Roosevelt fixed the calendar again so that The Grudge 2 could be released on a Friday the 13th in October. (Anyone can schedule a Friday the 13th to release a scary movie on for a mere 6 oz. of orc blood)
edit Applications to become a Jesus
As of 1985, the Jesii have begun accepting job applications from Jesus wannabes. Only nineteen applications were ever actually read by the Jesii, and of these nineteen applicants, four were accepted, none of which survived the plane ride to Atlantis, the Jesii's Earth headquarters constructed completely from Disney animators' crushed spirits and broken dreams.
Anyone can apply to become a Jesus. The questions on the application include:
- What makes you think you would make a good Jesii?
- How old were you when you lost your virginity?
- HAVE you lost your virginity?
- Has your mom lost hers?
- Isn't scientology bullshit?
- On a scale from one to ten, how would you rate your buoyancy?
- Did you watch All in the Family?
- Where's your head at?
Usually, however, the selected applicants all suffer mysterious accidents that prevent them from joining the Jesii's secret club.