Jeremy Corbyn

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

Vlad and Jezza. Hats our boys!

“Red Dawn has finally arrived. Her bus was late.”
~ Jeremy Corbyn
“Forwards and leftwards comrades, sort of.”
~ Jeremy Corbyn

Jeremy Bernard Corbyn (born 26 May 1949) is the new leader of the British Labour Party, the first true red Marxist to be in charge of the People's Party since Clement Attlee. He will end the long years of light blue Conservative tyranny promoted by previous Labour Party leaders, bringing the spirit of Vladimir Lenin and Leon Trotsky back to the party they founded back in 1905 whilst on a terrorist tourist trip to London[1]. When Corbyn is elected leader, the Labour Party will bring back compulsory beards of all members and the wearing of the Russian peasant peaked cap to celebrate solidarity with the aims of 1917.

The sudden rise of Corbyn follows in the wake of the cowardly defection of the British Working Class at the 2015 General Election to class enemy political parties like the Conservatives, Liberal Democrats and UKIP, or seduced by the pseudo-socialism of the Greens, Scottish Nationalists and the Monster Raving Loony Party. Corbyn will end all this false political consciousness, starting with the explusion and deportation of Tony Blair to the International Criminal Court in The Hague to face trial for serial smugness.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jeremy Corbyn.

edit Early life


Godfather of British Socialist hats. Don Keir Hardie. "An inspiration" (Corbyn: Dialectics in Daventry. 1977).

In a rare mistake by the great leader-to-be, he allowed his parents to name him after the former sleaze-bag Liberal Party leader Jeremy Thorpe[2]. Corbyn says that he was obliged to have them re-educated after he got a place in a local grammar school but decided it would be pretentious to re-name himself something more proletarian like Fred, Joe or Anthony. He also doesn't like if you call him 'Jezza' or confuse him with the punch-a-producer, bigot, sexist, Jeremy Clarkson.

Corbyn found his socialism very early on (despite his parents bourgeois tendencies) and became the Only Socialist in the Village in his rural backwater of Chippenham in Wiltshire. He stopped shaving at 12 and wrote his first essay for school on the subject of The Secret Socialist Diary of the Oppressed Peasants of the West Country. Leaving school early to make a trip to Moscow, Corbyn returned with the burning zeal to become a professional re-educator... and became a geography teacher.

edit London


Britain's workers and peasants campaign for Jeremy Corbyn.

After gaining his geography degree and jacket with leather arm patches, Corbyn threw himself into the important task of enthusing his pupils with the Coming Revolution. This was in the early and mid 1970s when the Trade Unions were trying keen to back the Labour Party into office. In 1974 - as in Russia in 1917 - there were two revolution/elections. The Provisional Government of Harold Wilson was followed by - at least had been promised - the true Marxist Peoples' Government of Harry Wilson.

However, instead of taking the Conservative party into protective custody or shoot a few bankers, the wretched counter-revolutionary 'Harry Wilson' did nothing and then resigned to hand over to Jim Callaghan, an open enemy of the People. Betrayal, bankruptcy and a complete cringe to the Capitalist states of the USA and the European Union followed. In amongst all this revolutionary fever, Corbyn balanced his duties to his school pupils with spending long nights on front line campaigns, keeping warm with a burning dustbin liberated from the richer suburbs of London. Then it was agreed by his fellow comrades. Corbyn was needed in parliament to confront the class enemy directly - and berate the those traitors inside the Labour Party who were already planning to leave and set up their own running dog outfit - the Social Democratic Party.

edit Elected


"Tony Benn radicalised as he got older. He didn't have a beard when I first met him" (Corbyn:Hot Socialism on a Cold, Wet Picket Line (1987).

In 1983, the Labour party was again defeated at a General Election by an alliance of Conservatives, Liberals, Renegade 'Socialists'. Corbyn was dismayed that his leader Tony Benn lost his seat but he himself was elected to Islington North. A London seat with a then strong Irish identity, its then MP Michael O'Halloran had defected to the SDP but then gone 'Independent' in the hope of retaining it. But the angry Irish-Socialist alliance won the seat convincingly.

These were the beginning of the sad years of socialism. The Labour party leaders were convinced they had to 'regain the centre' and promptly started to act and dress like the Social Democrats. Former firebrand socialist Neil Kinnock who now lead the party had jealously refused to support Tony Benn and now tried out the 'moderate' approach to power. He threw out the real socialists and replaced them with on-message sound biters.

It was about this time. Corbyn first men two men who were determined to undermine the Labour Party from within. They had also been elected in 1983 for the first time. As he relates in his book, Corbyn suspected both of them as counter revolutionary bean counters:

“I needed to share an office at the Houses of Parliament. This was when I met Gordon Brown and Tony Blair. I was keen to share an office with Brown but I found his irrational angry outbursts were distracting and disruptive, especially when Brown's local team Raith Rovers lost a game of football. I preferred Blair. He smiled a lot and I thought he was as revolutionary as his wife Cherie Blair who had also stood for election in 1983 but had lost. But there was something I couldn't quite understand about Blair. He felt false. I called him Phoney Blair then...”
~ My Political Life on the Outside Marching Left

Corbyn stayed loyal to Tony Benn. When the latter returned to parliament in a by-election, Corbyn urged his old leader to fight again for the party's leadership. Benn was by then hopelessly addicted to strong tea and was showing signs of extreme anecdotage. He would have to look elsewhere for a leader:Gerry Adams.

edit Sinn Fein and Siberia


"Gerry was more Irish nationalist than a socialist but I liked his beard. He would dye it green on St.Patrick's Day." (Corbyn:Why Sinn Fein is the answer for beard admirers". 1996).

As the Labour Party moved right and towards what they hoped would be office again, Corbyn bravely stood out on the left. Controversially, he appeared on TV to speak the words Gerry Adams was prohibited from talking on television thanks to the Tory Censorship law. Instead other people had to say Adams words and this included Corbyn who defended Sinn Fein's right to free speech and making bombs in back bedrooms. He however refused to imitate Adam's deep Northern Irish accent, saying that was 'tacky'. Corbyn's friendship with Adams and other Sinn Fein leaders like Martin McGuinness earned Corbyn the name of 'IRA MP for Islington North'.

The result of Corbyn's friendship with the IRA saw him officially shunned by Tories and Labour party leaders but then secretly contacted by the same people to help persuade the IRA to agree to a ceasefire and peace treaty. Corbyn received no official recognition for his work, though the then British Prime Minister John Major offered him a seat in the House of Snores (House of Lords), with the full knowledge Corbyn would refuse.

By now he was in the equivalent of Political Siberia. This got worse when against all expectations, the Labour Party won 418 seats out of 650 in the 1997 General Election. Corbyn like all good Socialists were devastated. The said Labour Leader Tony Blair was a secret Tory for making friends with ancient party enemies like Rupert Murdoch and the Daily Mail. Now they had helped deliver a Labour Party victory. Corbyn started the fightback on the same day as Blair entered Downing Street.

edit Labouring away on the wings


"When my first wife came in looking like this, I knew something was wrong. She later told me she wanted our children to have a typical socialist upbringing:Private schooling." (Corbyn:Trouble and Strife in Islington" (2000)).

The next 13 years of a Labour government were grim for Corbyn. His former allies retired, died or like Tony Benn, became a figure of fun to their opponents. Once Benn was harmless he became Labour's lost leader. Corbyn struck out against the enemy. He voted against his own party in government over 500 times.

The years of exile in remote Islington convinced Corbyn he was keeping alive the True Flame of Socialism. He was annoyed when his arch enemy Tony Blair took credit for the Good Friday Agreement in 1998 between the Northern Irish parties and paramilitaries, Irish Republic and the UK. Corbyn said Blair had borrowed his card index to find the secure phone numbers of Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness. For that, Corbyn got nothing in return. He even lost his first wife in a dispute about which expensive schools to send their children to, divorcing her on irreconcilable ideological grounds. The winters of Blairism were now covering Britain in an even layer of bullshit.

Corbyn's situation didn't improve with Gordon Brown as Prime Minister. Brown was in Corbyn's view 'less Tory than Tony' but was still stuck in implementing more Capitalist Greed-friendly economic policies when there was a great financial crash. Corbyn argued that this was the 'perfect time to go full-on Socialism' but was ignored and described as a 'dinosaur' of a vanished era of student Stalinist agit-prop politics.

edit The Finland Fenchurch Street Station Moment


Jesus Corbyn and Jeremy Christ.

It didn't need a genius to tell anyone Labour were going to lose in 2010. What wasn't expected was the Tories fell short of their own majority and instead formed a coalition with the oddball freak circus known as the Liberal Democrats. Corbyn said they needed a left standard bearer in the race to replace Brown and supported Diane Abbott. She lost badly and instead Ed Miliband came out on top. Corbyn liked Ed, especially when the latter criticised the premiereships of Blair and Brown. Yet something about Miliband grated. He wasn't as bright as his father, Professor Ralph Miliband. Corbyn said to friends that Ed and his elder brother, the former Foreign Secretary David Miliband had abandoned their father's views for some litter they had picked out of Tony Blair's bins.

Another five years passed. By now with the death of Tony Benn, Corbyn was now the unofficial leader of the Labour Left. He resisted the call to lead until after the result of 2015 General Election saw Labour lose even more seats. A call was made to Islington. Lead us Jeremy. Corbyn left the next day in a sealed train that took him via an interchange to Finland-Fenchurch Railway Station. There a huge crowd of Peasants and Workers waited on platform 4 for Corbyn to arrive, only to be told there were in the wrong part of the station. When Corbyn finally appeared, clutching a coffee supplied by an independent street vendor. He said this:

“...I can tell it has been cold in Islington these past 30 years but I am now back from political exile. Workers, peasants, chair people of your local Soviet councils, the people are stirring and looking left...we can purge the Blairites and Brownites..and then unite the party around a manifesto that is so simple it could fit on the back of an envelope. We must Unite in Unison and Communicate...”
~ Morning Star on Jeremy Corbyn

edit Result

Jeremy Corbyn won on 99.9% majority of Labour party members and away day special outing tour parties from the local Spartist Leagues. His followers immediately announced they had re-gained the party and that Tony and Cherie Romanov-Blair had been arrested. Another counter-revolutionary Lord Adonis has already left the Labour Party and openly works with the enemy. We can expect more 'ratting' from the Moanshovelshits. The party's future will be driven by Steamroller, a united group of true Socialists led by Jon Lansman.

edit Running Labour

In a move of Socialist inclusivism, Jeremy has installed trusted and stalwart supporters of the Workers. Mao 'John' McDonnell M.P. is now in charge of shadowing George Osborne at the treasury. Enforcer of party discipline is the responsibility of former London Mayor Ken Livingstone with Diane Abbott M.P. in charge of Internal Party Climate Change Committee to expose closet Conservatives and other deviants within the Labour party.

edit Treachery


Comrade Corbyn speaks to the Workers, Peasants and Students of the Labour Party.

In European Union membership referendum, Jeremy refused to share platforms with class enemies (Conservatives, Liberal Democrats, Greens), class traitors (Hilary Benn) and counter revolutionaries. The workers rightly rejected the European Union Empire and urged Jeremy to climb over the gates to Number 10 and boot Cameron out of bed, home and office. Instead it was Jeremy who was attacked by the White Guard reactionaries under the control of Tony Blair and Gordon Brown.

But Jeremy survived this latest assault on his leadership. He has announced that when re-elected Labour leader, he will make good his promise to have all the party's internal enemies to be sent to Siberia for extensive re-education. The ring leaders of the rebellion will be executed after a fair trial.

edit Footnotes

  1. Initially called the British Section of the Russian Social Democratic Party
  2. His elder brother was lumbered with the first name of Piers. He has become an eccentric weather scientist and anti-global warmist, suggesting probable pro-UKIP sympathies

edit See also

Personal tools
In other languages