Jeremy Clarkson
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“We are all lying in the gutter, staring at the stars, but we run the risk of being run over by Jeremy Clarkson.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Jeremy Clarkson
“It moves like a puma...... on speed!”
~ Jeremy Clarkson on everything
“If this simile was a form of cheese... it would be Camembert!”
~ Jeremy Clarkson on his tendency to overuse similes
“In the woorrrrlllddddd....”
~ Jeremy Clarkson on everything
“Murdering this prostitute is like driving a Ferrari Enzo ”
~ Jeremy Clarkson on his new found affection for truck drivers and their habits
“"One Eyed Scottish Idiot", That's the best ye can dae?, Ya Poodle Humpin' Pubic Wig!!”
~ Gordon Broon on Jeremy Clarkson's Faggotry
Considered to be one of the fattest, loudest and least sophisticated mouths in Downing Street since Gordon Brown Streak Brown, and renowned for his “muffin-top” physique and galaxy-sized modesty, Prime Minister Sir Jeremy Charles "POWEERRRRR!" Clarkson KTG started off as a small-time magazine journalist before becoming the principal twat of Top Gear, the greatest TV show ever made, about cars, called "top gear". The programme includes many reviews on very fast and expensive cars that the viewing audience will never be able to afford even in their dreams, and lots of blowing up stuff. Mainly caravans. Because of his sudden popularity after destroying such irritating vehicles, Clarkson was appointed by Her Majesty to become the Prime Minister, after Parliament ran out of sense - he accepted her challenge - "how hard can it be..." . Jeremy Clarkson continues to work for the BBC, where he is the tallest prick and the worlds biggest queer.
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[edit] Biography
Jeremy Clarkson motored sideways out of the floppy womb of Kelly Clarkson on April 11, 1960, in Doncaster Hospital's cleaners’ cupboard. Some suggest this birth location led to the cultivation of the curly hair that would set him up for fame as a human cleaning utensil in the future. Others say not. His first words – now repeated many times every year on his birthday -- were reportedly spoken as he was emerging from the womb: "Mum! Me head's stuck, yer need more POWERRR!" There were valliant attempts to educate him at Reptard School - all in vain, where 104 former school friends recall that he dished out Nazi-style punishments to German exchange students in revenge for World War II and just being foreign.
Clarkson's first career was in the family business as a door-to-door teddy bear salesman. He has often spoken at length about the “record number of sales” he achieved in a single transaction, at a particular house in Basingstoke. This record was -3 teddy bears, possibly owing to his general lack of luck when he was knocking on the doors of people who expressly didn't want furry playthings. (Yes, it has been noted that the minus figure of -3 bears indicates that Clarkson ended up buying teddies from his putative customers rather than selling bears to them.)
Clarkson eventually came to understand that ursine-toy sales was not his true calling, so he packed a bag with STP petrol stickers on it and went to work as a proto-journalist for Zoooom-Zoooom Magazine, where he progressed to the post of Transport Editor. This was his first outlet for spreading his idiosyncratic views; he is now credited far and wide as one of the first magazine writers to highlight the danger of global warming in a series of unforgettable, pungent and feisty articles.
Jeremy resigned from Zoooom in 1983 and entered a period of unemployment, living in his beloved caravan, which he named Ugly Betty. It was at a camp caravanners’ convention that Jeremy met France Cocaine, who was to be his wife after he beat her up. The pair now have three daughters: Bugatti, Koenigsegg and Ferrari-Lambo. The family now live in an energy-saving lightbulb in the Cotswolds. The couple are fiercely against common sense, speeding, and have set up their own 'Stay Over 50' campaign to much public fanfare.
Clarkson has since participated in 2,671 events, some of them dangerous and humiliating, to raise the profile of global warming in our dying world. The many vehicles he owns are all immediately recognizable by a liberal festooning of “Al Gore is right, you know” stickers and decals. Clarkson has been admired by many big-brained people, and he appears as a character-on-wheels in several novels by the American genius Thomas Pynchon, including Clarkson & Dixon and That Traffic Warden Is Dead.
Clarkson is renowned as the only known sufferer of quindecaconstantitis, a disease in which the bearer becomes stuck in his mid-50s for the rest of his life. Far from hindering his journalistic career, this condition has actually helped it, on account of the fact that most of his output requires the psychotic pig-headedness that only a fat, smouldering twerp suffering from a ferocious mid-life crisis could ever harbour.
Although often being rude and abraisive Clarkson has shown impeccable taste in music, enjoying such bands as YES, The Clash and King Crimson.
Clarkson now makes unpaid roles on James May's show Britannia Mafia, he does these for free as the courts ruled it as decent compensation for him destroying two of May's pianos. Richard Hammond also makes appearances on the show as Triad Ching Chong Li.
“This one goes like a bitch, carving up the road like a frenzied lesbian with a meathook”
~ Jeremy Clarkson reviewing the new Mini in 2001
“The world is the biggest thing... in the world ”
~ Jeremy Clarkson on planet Earth in 2008
It is well known fact that Jeremy Clarkson represents the pompous twats in the trinity of evil, with Lily Allen representing the Chav part and George Bush representing the Americans, and the brain-dead.
[edit] Why The Long Face?
Though he is as quick as a Ferrari to criticise the appearance of other people, Clarkson is metaphorically living in a pretty little tumbledown glass house, and should stop throwing those tiny stones right now. Visually, he is even more of a mess than a pizza-bike pile-up at Spaghetti Junction. He has the longest face in the world, measuring 3 baker's yards from his unkempt greying curls to the unkempt greying stubble clinging to his multiple chins, which drip with lager and fatty gravy most of the time. His visage is even longer than those of Celine Dion and Lesley Joseph put together. So far, 56,890 people have walked past him and asked: "Why the long face?" But he would still much rather talk about "torque" than discuss how disgusting he looks.
[edit] Human Scrubbing Brush
Jeremy Clarkson's curly hair and pubic hair are useful tools for doing the washing-up, as Carol Vorderman once admitted in a silly moment.
In 1981, Clarkson, who has long been an advocate for curly-mopped humans being pressed into service as cleaning utensils, set up HSBC, or the Human Scrubbing Brush Club. He acted as President until 1987, when he stood down and took the post of Dishcloth. In 1992 he was awarded Best Human Scrubbing Brush with the 'Largest Brush in the World... Mmmm' award from the Desperate Housewives Association. In his 70-minute speech he thanked his eco-friendly Toyota Drivewell for “everything”.
[edit] The Piers Morgan Face-Punching Moment
Clarkson is renowned for allegedly punching the notorious British newspaper gibbon Piers Morgan in the face. There is, however, much controversy as to what actually happened. Some commentators argue that it was not Morgan, but an overweight, devious and pompous hobgoblin who was the unfortunate punchee. Others argue that Morgan is in fact secretly that very hobgoblin. And others still say it was not Clarkson but Morgan himself who punched himself in the face after finally realizing, against all the odds and his own IQ, how much of an insufferable twat he was (and is). It is widely agreed by people who know about these things, however, that Morgan could not have under any circumstances told the truth about anything, as this would lead to the End of the World as we know it. If it was Clarkson, then it would be the greated achievement of his to date. Along with seducing The Stig into having tantric sex with him in a Dodge Viper. After this incident many groups are calling for a fight to the death between these parties, perhaps enabling the public to chose which they hate the least (tough choice), or perhaps the only way to get them back into one confined space so that they can both be disposed of as quickly as possible.
[edit] In the Family Way
Clarkson caused a storm on the BBC7 show In the Family Way, on which famous Britons hang around the Public Records Office and annoy the staff until they are told who their relatives might have been and what they did. On the programme, broadcast in 2005 and somehow deemed worthy of a repeat in 2006 (but never again, thankfully), Clarkson discovered that he was the progeny of a cosmetic guidance counsellor from Transylvania and a giant lobster from Bournemouth. He then spent 40 minutes of the programme shouting at people, telling them the news, before jumping into a Lamborghini and knocking over a telephone box and some bollards. That’s what caused the storm: his careless driving disturbed the fine meteorological balance of the Earth, and it didn’t stop raining for days. There was a gusty old wind and everything.
[edit] Awards
Clarkson was voted 'Best birdsnest' by everyone in 2006. He was also voted 'World's biggest imbicile' by The Green Party. Jeremy Clarkson responded to this plainly outrageous accusation in an editorial by calling the Green Party 'a bunch of namby-pamby, wishy-washy, toohtless [sic], tree-hugging, veg-head weird-beards, who wouldn't know green if it came up and bit them in the bollocks'. A week later, after responding to criticism from the BBC, Clarkson offered an 'Unreserved Aplogy' to the Green Party, saying that 'I spelt "toothless" wrong'
[edit] Controversy
Jeremy Clarkson and his wife have come under fire recently for their 'Stay Over 50' campaign, which knee-jerk liberals have condemned as old-age discrimination. But in a statement to the press in 2005, Husband Clarkson gave the true meaning behind the slogan and apologised for any confusion caused. It hasn’t stopped most of the media from laughing at the stupidity of Clarkson's efforts to get people to drive faster than 50mph. Jeremy is alleged to have had an affair with the popular Nissan Micra, as reported by Jeff Wayne News.
In the Sunday Times of 28 December 2008, Jeremy Clarkson said that 'given the option he would rather lose his right testicle than have a Caterham R500'. As a result, six Caterhams have been delivered to him. Police are now investigating allegations that he should have returned at least four of them. How he can loose four right testicles is a mystery to everyone but Clarkson's wife. Some have mentioned his other two love spuds, which acompany the obvious dick pointing out of his rather large forehead.
[edit] In Popular Culture
Jeremy Clarkson has been featured as the protagonist in the video game "Crysis Warhead". His in-game nanosuit is rumoured to be engineered based on his curly hair, which is said to have high tensile strength and can contract when subject to an electrical current.
Jeremy Clarkson is responsible for the invention of the penis (being one himself), back in th late 1850s. This is ofen heralded as the greatest invention of humanity as Adam and Eve were getting on a bit and we needed some more attractive hookers.
[edit] References
The World According to Clarkson (that is if you don't mind my uneducated opinion) by Jeremy Clarkson
The World According to Clarkson Volume 2 (I'm so glad you liked my first one, but you can put this one down at any time you wish) by Jeremy Clarkson
The Best Accordions of Clarkson...In The WORLD by Jeremy Clarkson
A Right Royal Fuck Over by Jeremy Clarkson
Mein Klarksen - German issue of The World According to Clarkson
Tit Soup - a pornographic insight into the life and times of Kristen Scott Thomas
The HSBC Annual compiled by Jeremy Clarkson, Sharon Rose, John C. McGinley and a dishcloth
[edit] See Also
- Hamster
- Mop
- The Stig
- Flop Gear
- Stay Over 50
- Global Warming
- Wind turbine
- HowTo:Tell the Difference between an American and a European car
- A A Gill
Barmy British Stuff 
