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“Because if they're eatin' the Jell-O puddin' pops, they're happy. Which reminds me of the time we played stickball in the streets on Philadelphia back in 1957...”
Jello is a legend that started as an easy way to make sex toys for horny teens. Later, it developed into jelly-like homing devices placed on burritos that slowly decompose the beans, releasing the beans' toxic stench into the air, with hopes of destroying all of Beijing. It never worked, so now you can eat it, and still use it as a sex toy. Children who consume it into their arteries will unknowingly puke it into their dogs at night. It is widely accepted that jello has become a form of hypnosis and if one watches it jiggle for too long they will irrationally want to kill Ronald Reagan until the jello is destroyed on Mount Doom.
Legend has it that in Ireland, Jello was invented by Hobbits.
There is much debate over which color of Jello should be used on hot dogs. In Boston, putting red jello on hot dogs will get you a kick in the groin and a boot to the head. Yellow is acceptable, as is crazy pink neon. In Romania, green jello is the preference, but any color will do...
Experiments in the 3rd Century BC
Little is known about the experiments using Jello in the 3rd century BC, expect that it was used to build the pyramids, travel to the moon and burn down the city of Troy. It was soon after the Troy incident that Jello was made non-flammable by a moose god (and more tasty). Jello was later tested in low-gravity environments, like Amsterdam, in hopes that it would reveal the meaning of life. It was also fed to elephants to make them light enough to wear as a hat. Most work done on this topic is credited to Sir Jonathan the Significantly Shorter Than Before.(Of course, Sir Johnny ate some of that Jello himself)
- The Swedes use Jello to propel spaceships.
- Orange Jello is a great substitute for intelligence.
- Bill Cosby is a burrito. This is unrelated to his Jello endorsements; we just consider it important to note.
- Mixing green, red and yellow Jello together will result in a brownish color, superb for a quick gravy for that roast beast dinner.
- Black Jello is used by God to make black holes in space.
- Jello is used as the main currency in Romania.
- Yellow Jello rhymes
- Cape Breton fiddlers use Jello as contraceptives.
- The Department of Transportation once tried black Jello instead of asphalt; it turns out that a strong suction is just a natural property of black Jello (see above) and they ended up sucking in most of Idaho, fortunately no one noticed.
- Dogs are often seen humping jello.
- Dawgs are also seen humping jello.
- Jello Biafra was the lead singer for the bay area punk band, the dead kennedys, and had the moniker jello because of his notoriously low nutritional value.
- Nazis often used it as lubricants
- It helps staunch the flow of sperm while masterbating
- It helps make a girl horny. You can rub it on her pussy and she will get rid of excess fluids and she will occasionally groan
Songs about Jello
- Jello City - Barenaked Ladies
- Jello - Coldplay
- Mellow Jello - Donovan
- Jello Submarine - Beatles
- Raise a Little Jello - Trooper
- Jel - Collective Soul
- Jello Rose of Texas - Elvis
- Devil went Jello to Georgia - Charlie Daniels Band
- Fuck the Police - NWA
- Raining Jello - Slayer
The artist J. Lo (Jennifer Lopez) must not be mixed up with the food jello, or her ass will get even larger.
The Secret Of Jello
It is said by some (probably crazy) people, that Jello is actually an edible substance. Recently a book has been released, The Origins Of Jello, that revealed, astoundingly, that Jello was invented by Rolf Harris in 1863 in order to feed people. He then changed his mind, saying that it killed small furry creatures.
Some have also said that jazz is like Jello Pudding. Some later retracted their statement and claimed that jazz is more like Kodak film, although this has not been verified, because the kids don't know what the jazz is all about. It was later decided that jazz is like the New Coke, because it will be around forever.
The True Purpose Of Jello
For many years scientists have been studying this magical substance. Scientists have discovered that Jello's mystical powers are perfected by the omission of a portion of the water called for by the instructions on the box. If, in its place, vodka is added instead, then the nectar of the gods awaits you! Scientists were astounded to discover that young, sexually liberal women gather in darkly lit, yet exceedingly loud establishments swarming with hopeful young men vying for the startlingly plentiful opportunity to copulate with (usually orally). These beautiful, yet stunningly vapid creatures consume this concoction, called "jello shots", in mass quantities. All parties involved in this strange ritual enjoy it immensely, until one of the more attractive of the females jettisons the contents of her stomach across the lap of one of the males. He becomes most displeased, as the jello shots the female consumed were red in color, and his trousers have become irreparably damaged. To add insult to injury, the chances of him receiving sexual gratification have been eliminated. He announces his disappointment by calling the young female a "skanky bitch", and leaves the establishment. The female is mortified, runs to the lavatory, where her attending companions follow her and assist her in cleansing her face, and remove her from the establishment. This ritual repeats incessantly every Friday and Saturday night.