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“IMMA CHARGIN MY BROILERS!!!!”
“FINGER LICKIN' GOOD!”
Jek Porkins (born July 11, 1972) is an American supermodel, author, dancer, and former pilot. Known affectionately by friends and family as Piggy, Porkins is most famous for writing the beloved 1993 children's book Winnie the Pooh which is an autobiographical account of Porkin's childhood. Porkins currently poses for Playgirl magazine and was most notably awarded for his appearance in the 1997 Christmas issue Porkins is active in politics surrounding the bushmeat trade. On the topic, he says: "Sounds like a tasty idea".
edit Early Life
Jek Porkins was born in Houston, Texas in 1972 to Gerald and Helena Porkins, second generation cattle farmers of Tatooine heritage. He attended the Fifth Street Baptist School of Meat Processing in 1984 and graduated summa cum laude but had to flee because his classmates mistook his squeals of joy for the squeals of a pig and attempted to remove his tenderloin. Throughout the rest of his student career he was often bullied for his hefty size. Moved towards depression at the young age of 14, Porkin's attracted the worry of his parents who sent him to a fat camp in the desert where he was forced to dig holes. It was there that Porkins realized his full potential. Pushed to the breaking point on an obstacle course, Porkins decided that 'he was what God made him'. In an act of rebellion, Porkins rushed and consumed his councilor and over five acres of scrubland. In his childhood his closest friend was Raptor Jesus
edit DancerAfter hitchhiking back to Houston, Porkins threw his weight around and took up a part time job at Taco Bell while attending slam dancing school. While attending, Porkins took up an internship at a local male lounge as a slam dancer, where he attracted the eye of an Imperial officer who immediately fell in love with him. Porkins nimbly dodged and weaved the Imperial's attempts to seduce him and the sexually misoriented officer left in a rage
edit Enemy of the EmpireBecause he hated to run places and rather wished to 'sit around', Porkin's applied to be a star pilot in the Glorious Texas Air National Guard during the Rebellion Against the Empire. After five months of just kinda sitting there, Porkin's was called up for active duty to go blow up some battle station somewhere. Clutching a massive drum of sweet and sour chicken, Porkin's boarded a Xenu DC-8, which was actually a spaceship somehow, and took off for Yavin IV.
edit Personal Life
edit Marriage and Residence
In 1995, Porkins was married to Irma Mae Hootkins, another native of Dallas Texas. They welcomed their first child, Patty Fatkins in 1996. The family used to own a pet hamster, Charles, who Jek was unaware of until the 1998 Super Bowl, when he ran out of beenie weenies and trampled through the house looking for food. He caught sight of the cage and the small animal and his hunger overwhelmed him. The rodent ran frantically on its wheel but was overwhelmed by the obese man, who gobbled him quickly up. Porkins passed the running wheel two days later. The Porkins family frequently patronize the Glorious Super China Space Buffet III off of 9th avenue. The Porkins residence does not allow solicitors unless they are bringing food. Food is accepted between six and ten AM, with a lunch break from eleven to three, then resuming until five. Also by appointment. The Porkins family is often to be seen at Walmart in the meat department.
Porkins is a member of the Republican Party and advocates anti-gun control laws and also asserts states' rights, even going so far as to declare himself a sovereign territory. Porkins has his own zipcode, but he isn't telling anyone what it is.
At home, Porkins is an avid reader and especially enjoys the Bible. His favorite verses cover the ecstasies and joys of "milk and honey" in the promised land. He champions God as an advocate of meat slaughtering and sacrifice. He is quoted as saying: "I appreciate a God who loves the smell of a slow cooked and seasoned ox shoulder, roasting until just right and then flipped." In fact, Porkins offers solemn animal sacrifices (one dog and two kittehs) every Sunday and will not allow himself to be disturbed for hours. He does this in thanksgiving for surviving to destroy the Death Star and also live in The US and A.