From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me; but third time might be a charm.”
John Ellis Bush "Jeb" Bush (born February 11, 1953) is a son of George H.W. Bush ("Bush 41") and younger brother of George W. Bush ("Bush 43"), whom many people are discussing as becoming "Bush 45," on the basis that yet another U.S. Presidential campaign between a Bush and a Clinton will be more nearly an even match that a campaign based on any new idea the Republican Party is likely to devise in the near future.
Bush was governor of Florida from 1999 to 2007. This gives him a record of executive experience a voter could study which, unlike that of Hillary Clinton, does not feature cover-ups, "bimbo" eruptions, or murdered ambassadors. He even killed 1 mass-transit project, and that is more than the other two President Bushes combined, though Florida voters did a brief end-run around him and resurrected it, at which time, he drove a stake through its heart, cremated it, and opened the urn in a tornado. In fact, the only storm on his horizon is not his past but the stuff that continues coming out of his mouth in the present.
edit Early life
Jeb was born in Midland, Texas, at a time when most Texans were preoccupied either reading J.R.R. or trying to determine who killed J.R. It will surprise the reader to learn that "Jeb" is an acronym for Jeb's given name — and a damned better acronym than U.S.A. P.A.T.R.I.O.T., which should have occurred to his brother George W. after the September 11 attacks. If he had named it the Jeb Act, we would not have to futz with secret anti-terrorism courts and could have put telescreens right in living rooms by now.
In fact, it was not until the age of 34 that the family gave Jeb any nickname at all, a slight that surely weighs on the adult. With being passed over in favor of his father and older brother for President, these continuing slights suggest that, as President, this obvious third fiddle might try to compensate by committing U.S. troops throughout the Middle East on a permanent basis. However, they could set the stage for the first pity-based Presidential campaign since that of Hubert Humphrey. Focus groups are testing slogans such as, "What is he, chopped liver?"
edit The Latino thing
Jeb's close relationship with Latinos, Hispanics, and stuff like that, is of intense interest to the Republican Party — which, election after election, continues to see 85% of Latino votes going to its opposition. This is just below African Americans, 95% of whom vote Democratic every time, and have been rewarded by getting out from under the thumb of slavery and put under its full-fledged "legacy."
For Jeb actually studied their quaint little language. (Latinos, that is; not blacks. Heavens!) At the age of 17, he taught English as a Second Language in Guanajuato, Mexico, though never disclosing what his first language might be.
While teaching in Mexico, he met his future wife, Colombia, as he time travelled between courses. Together, they have three children. Unlike W's daughters, none of Jeb's children was ever caught underage-drinking plus trying to game authorities with a fake I.D. Jeb's daughter went straight to hard drugs and hopes to enter rehab and hobnob with the sons of Al Gore and Joe Biden.
In 1973, he earned a B.A. from the University of Texas in Latin Grievance Studies in 2½ years. This was not quite as demanding as being a fighter jet pilot, like his brother, and the reader should not take either as evidence of a lot of intelligence in the Bush family, at least compared to a politically correct expert on global warming.
At family reunions, relatives identify Jeb to one another (in whispers) as the family member with the "little brown ones." The three Bush children will be ready for combat, like a new generation of Star Wars adversaries, the moment the public stops believing that Chelsea Clinton was a "successful journalist," and America will stagger through a fourth decade of mind-numbing Bush/Clinton Presidential contests.
edit Political positions
Jeb has a set of political positions almost as diverse as the Bush family, if you count the "little brown ones":
- He supports the Common Core program, (that is, that the United Nations should be in charge of curriculum at the local public schools). In 2013, Jeb said that "criticisms and conspiracy theories are easy attention grabbers," but Common Core could be a real solution, as there are many times more international bureaucrats to look for answers even than Washington bureaucrats.
- He supports "comprehensive immigration reform that avoids Amnesty," the name his brother gave to Amnesty, which started W's conversion from re-elected President to historical asterisk. Jeb wrote for the website Newsmax that "A growth agenda is linked with a welcoming immigration policy," making the point that even new Americans who don't speak our language or tell the truth will instantly make supermarket check-out lines twice as long.
- Jeb swears that he could even succeed at getting Presidential geisha Harriet Miers onto the U.S. Supreme Court.
Jeb's intimacy with the Latino community, again, is a key to Republican campaign strategy. Strategists such as the always-successful Karl Rove know that the GOP loses when Democrats appeal to voters as mindless members of voting blocs, and the only thing Republicans know about Latinos is that they have flooded across the southern border ever since health care, free telephones, and stigma-free steak tips became human rights. It is with the approval of these strategists that many of Jeb's speeches begin with praise for the "people who love America enough to break her immigration laws." Lines like this are sure-fire election winners.
As opposed to Blue-Ribbon Commissions and foreign fact-finding missions, Jeb has been active in actual productive corporations, which is predicted to lead to heated controversy (instructions below).
- He has served on numerous Boards of Directors; which proves that, if he is not a member of the hated One Percent, he is at least closer to them than he is to the average voter.
- One of these was the health care concern Tenet, which obviously stands to gain, lose, and be made whole with a federal check for, billions of dollars. Thus, the moment Jeb throws his hat into the ring, the Democrats will stop claiming that Obama-care was an even-handed, populist attempt to get filthy lucre out of medicine but a corrupt payoff to industry that will benefit people like Jeb.
- Moreover, Jeb has reportedly served on the board of a private equity firm. Most recently, Mitt Romney fatefully proved that it is impossible to explain to the American people what one of these does, except wear three-piece suits and wing-tip shoes and discuss safe executive candidates such as friends and family rather than someone who sent in a resumé and might even be a Negro.
Even so, a Jeb candidacy would not be without problems. The reader will remember "Bush 43" (or "Drunky Bush") being asked how the nation would be sure he was not a carbon-copy of "Bush 41" (or "Wimpy Bush"). 43 had answered with a single word: "Texas." Presumably, if asked the same thing, it will not suffice for "Bush 45" (or "Dopey Bush") to intone, "Florida." While Texas suggests machismo, Florida mostly suggests double-wides and incest. Nor will a Southern drawl be magic either, at least for voters who remember four decades of malaise under clueless Southern Presidents from Lyndon B. Johnson on.
It will be difficult for Jeb to erase memories of each prior President Bush being rolled into agreeing to new taxes "in exchange" for promises of several times the value in spending cuts that never happen. In 2012 during tense budget negotiations, Jeb told a House committee that the magic number that would make him fold was 10.
edit Other Jeb Bushes
Cheb Bush is Bush #43's stage name when playing raï music. Since leaving the Presidency, Bush has performed at weddings and festivals around the Dallas area when he is not engaged in his more important occupation, tending to two goldfish in his smallish hotel suite. Cheb Bush retains his Secret Service protection, whereas the Algerian musicians who have taken on the "Cheb" title can only wish they had it, in the moments before they lose consciousness entirely.
Republicans and Conservatives
Mean and cranky is your only safe choice
|Presidents: Bush #43 • Cheney • Bush #41 • Quayle • Reagan • Nixon • Agnew|
|Supporting cast: Boehner • Bush #45 • Fox • Jesus • Kissinger • Koch • McConnell • Tea Party • Trump|
|Loozahs: Romney • Ryan • the 2008 loozahs • Dole|
|Commentators: Beck • Buckley • Coulter • Kudlow • Limbaugh • Talk radio|