Jeb Bush

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia


While not quite as porky as Chris Christie, Jeb has a substantial double chin, which should give him instant appeal to bankers.

“Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me; but third time might be a charm.”
~ Party chairman Reince Priebus, taking time out from studying how GOP mass mailings could be packaged to look like a jury summons

John Ellis Bush "Jeb" Bush (born February 11, 1953) is a son of George H.W. Bush ("Bush 41") and younger brother of George W. Bush ("Bush 43"), whom many people are touting as "Bush 45" assuming that yet another Presidential campaign between a Bush and a Clinton will be more nearly winnable than waiting for new ideas from the Republican Party.

Jeb was governor of Florida from 1999 to 2007. This gives him a record of executive experience a voter could study which, unlike that of Hillary Clinton, does not feature cover-ups, "bimbo" eruptions, or murdered ambassadors. He even killed 1 mass-transit project, and that is more than the other two President Bushes combined, though Florida voters did a brief end-run around him and resurrected it, at which time, he drove a stake through its heart, cremated it, and opened the urn in a tornado. In fact, the only storm on his horizon is not his past but the stuff that continues coming out of his mouth in the present.

Early life

Jeb was born in Midland, Texas, at a time when most Texans were preoccupied either reading J.R.R. or trying to determine who killed J.R. It will surprise the reader to learn that "Jeb" is an acronym for Jeb's given name — and a damned better acronym than U.S.A. P.A.T.R.I.O.T., which should have occurred to his brother George W. after the September 11 attacks. If he had named it the Jeb Act, we would not have to futz with secret anti-terrorism courts and could have put telescreens right in living rooms by now.

In fact, it was not until the age of 34 that the family gave Jeb any nickname at all, a slight that surely weighs on the adult. With being passed over in favor of his father and older brother for President, these continuing slights suggest that this obvious third fiddle might compensate by returning to the Middle East or even starting a personal nuclear war. However, either decision could set the stage for a pity-based re-election campaign in 2020, the first since Hubert Humphrey confessed that his campaign sucked and threw himself on the mercy of the American electorate. Focus groups are already testing slogans such as, "What is he, chopped liver?"

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Jeb Bush.

The Latino thing

Jeb's close relationship with Latinos, Hispanics, and stuff like that, is of intense interest to the Republican Party — which, election after election, continues to see 85% of Latino votes going to its opposition. This is just below African Americans, 95% of whom vote Democratic every time, and have been rewarded by getting out from under the thumb of slavery and put under its full-fledged "legacy."

For Jeb actually studied their quaint little language. (Latinos, that is; not blacks. Heavens!) At the age of 17, he taught English as a Second Language in Guanajuato, Mexico, though never disclosing what his first language might be.


"Bush 45" could sure learn something from this guy. Only, not about parenting, or public policy.

While teaching in Mexico, he met his future wife, Colombia, as he time travelled between courses. Together, they have three children. Unlike W's daughters, none of Jeb's children was ever caught underage-drinking plus trying to game authorities with a fake I.D. Instead, Jeb's daughter went straight to hard drugs. She hopes to enter rehab and hobnob with the sons of Al Gore and Joe Biden.

In 1973, Jeb earned a B.A. from the University of Texas in Latin Grievance Studies in 2½ years. This was not quite as demanding as being a fighter pilot like Dubya, and the reader should not take either as evidence of a lot of intelligence in the Bush family, at least compared to a politically correct expert on global warming.

In April 2015, Jeb's close relationship with Hispanics got closer, as it came out that Jeb had checked off "Hispanic" on a voter form he filed six years earlier. This went off as poorly as John Kerry's 2004 campaign, in which he claimed to be both Irish, Jewish, and hayseed; and Barack Obama claiming to be an American.

At family reunions, relatives identify Jeb to one another (in whispers) as the family member with the "little brown ones." The three Bush children will be ready for combat, like a new generation of Star Wars adversaries, the moment the public stops believing that Chelsea Clinton was a "successful journalist," and America will stagger through a fourth decade of mind-numbing Bush/Clinton Presidential contests.

Political positions

Entire Bush family
George Bushes
Other Bushes

Jeb has a set of political positions almost as diverse as the Bush family, if you count the "little brown ones":

  • He supports the Common Core program, (that is, that the United Nations should be in charge of curriculum at the local public schools). In 2013, Jeb said that "criticisms and conspiracy theories are easy attention grabbers," but Common Core could be a real solution, as there are many times more international bureaucrats to look for answers even than Washington bureaucrats.
  • He supports "comprehensive immigration reform that avoids Amnesty," the name his brother gave to Amnesty, which started W's conversion from re-elected President to historical asterisk. Jeb wrote for the website Newsmax that "A growth agenda is linked with a welcoming immigration policy," making the point that even new Americans who don't speak our language or tell the truth will instantly make supermarket check-out lines twice as long.
  • Jeb swears that he could even succeed at getting Presidential geisha Harriet Miers onto the U.S. Supreme Court.

Jeb's intimacy with the Latino community, again, is a key to Republican campaign strategy. Strategists such as the always-successful Karl Rove know that the GOP loses when Democrats appeal to voters as mindless members of voting blocs, and the only thing Republicans know about Latinos is that they have flooded across the southern border ever since health care, free telephones, and stigma-free steak tips became human rights. It is with the approval of these strategists that many of Jeb's speeches begin with praise for the "people who love America enough to break her immigration laws." Lines like this are sure-fire election winners.

Four percent

In summer 2015, with 17 Republicans still in the race, it became clear that having the most large donors and the most famous last name would not turn the trick. The dullest bulb on the Bush-family Christmas tree would need an actual plan of action as President.

Jeb's advisers noted that America's recovery from the recession (see George W. Bush) was a shadow of past recoveries. Perhaps it was something about Obama squandering billions of dollars giving America's highways thin new coats of asphalt, buying up and crushing cheap cars, paying cronies for solar energy schemes, bundling health care with every job unless companies cut workers back to 29½ hours or moved them to Pakistan, and compelling the entire nation to overpay for crappy insurance with deductibles that kept them from ever filing a claim anyway.

Jeb never pointed to a problem, but his money men agreed that the goal should be to return America to 4% growth per year. Obama originally ran on "Hope and Change" but tellingly failed to tell how to Hope this Change was actually better than what came before. Jeb would solve this problem.

Jeb did not say how he was going to achieve the 4%. Presumably he would file legislation to slash corporate taxes and let them bring foreign profits back to the U.S. without penalties. And no one in Congress would be against it, and even fewer Senators would try to filibuster it. Another "stable tax regime" like the one Dubya had to re-do every two years to sneak it past the Democrats. The proposal put Jeb in tune with the motto of his allies in Congress: "Well, we tried."

On foreign policy, Jeb likewise distanced himself from his smarty-pants brother in the September 2015 debate. "We don't have to be the world's policeman but we certainly have to be the world's leader." Got it?


As opposed to Blue-Ribbon Commissions and foreign fact-finding missions, Jeb has been active in actual productive corporations, which is predicted to lead to heated controversy (instructions below).

  • He has served on numerous Boards of Directors; which proves that, if he is not a member of the hated One Percent, he is at least closer to them than he is to the average voter.
  • One of these was the health care concern Tenet, which obviously stands to gain, lose, and be made whole with a federal check for, billions of dollars. Thus, the moment Jeb throws his hat into the ring, the Democrats will stop claiming that Obama-care was an even-handed, populist attempt to get filthy lucre out of medicine but a corrupt payoff to industry that will benefit people like Jeb.
  • Moreover, Jeb has reportedly served on the board of a private equity firm. Most recently, Mitt Romney fatefully proved that it is impossible to explain to the American people what one of these does, except wear three-piece suits and wing-tip shoes and discuss safe executive candidates such as friends and family rather than someone who sent in a resumé and might even be a Negro.

Despite the certain controversy, Jeb's corporate connections mean the Republican Party's "Money Boys" love him, compared to candidates such as Rand Paul. Those candidates believe in ideas, which would need defending with persuasive arguments. As we are discussing Republicans, that makes those other candidates "unelectable."

Scorecard of Failed Bush Presidencies

The reader can print out this scorecard and edit it as the 2016 Presidential campaign evolves, in order to judge how closely history is coming to repeating itself.

George H.W. Bush George W. Bush Jeb Bush
George H. W. Bush, President of the United States, 1989 official portrait
Weasel words invented to claim he was actually conservative "Kinder-and-gentler conservative" "Compassionate conservative" "I'm my own man"
Fake future spending cuts needed to troll Bush into raising taxes , for new taxes for first Iraq war Symbol against vote No; only "stability" through continual temporary two-year tax cuts Told a House committee in 2012 it would take 10× to make him fold.
How Democrats ruined his career for doing exactly what they asked him to "Read my lips!" (1) Democrat at the CIA reports Saddam is shopping for WMD;
(2) Pelosi, briefed on waterboarding while grinning and nodding, declares it shocking torture;
(3) Bernanke and Geithner blow up the economy just before the next election
(Eager to do Democrats' bidding without having to be asked)
Fidelity to campaign promises "Read my lips!" "I'm against nation-building." (Various promises still undergoing focus-group testing)
Went (back) into Iraq after human-rights outrages with no particular legal justification? Symbol for vote Yes; "Kurds and Kuwait" Symbol for vote Yes; "WMD" Symbol for vote Probably; "ISIS and Boko Haram"
Amnesty for illegal aliens? Symbol for vote Yes Symbol against vote No. Wanted to, but blew through all his "political capital" first Symbol for vote Yes; overstaying their visas proves love-of-country
Tax money for rich bankers? Symbol for vote Yes; savings-and-loan bail-out Symbol for vote Yes; TARP bail-out Symbol for vote Probably; seeds of next Mortgage Meltdown being planted now
Personal Waterloo Looking at wristwatch and waiting for democracy to be over Flying over Hurricane Katrina damage and wishing there were more school-kids to read comic books to instead (Reader's call)

A Jeb candidacy will have to survive comparisons such as those above. When "Bush 43" (or "Drunky Bush") was asked why he was not simply a carbon-copy of "Bush 41" (or "Wimpy Bush"), he answered with a single word: "Texas." Presumably, if asked the same thing, it will not suffice for "Bush 45" (or "Porky Bush") to intone, "Florida." While Texas suggests machismo, Florida mostly suggests double-wides and incest.

Nor will a Southern drawl be magic either, at least for voters who remember four decades of malaise under clueless Southern Presidents from Lyndon B. Johnson on. If Jeb intends for Americans to feel good about a President from the South, Jimmy Carter will have to emigrate to Venezuela, not just keep sending valentines.

Other Jebs

Jeb Stuart (February 6, 1833 – May 12, 1864) was a Virginian who became a general during the U.S. Civil War. Like Jeb Bush, Jeb Stuart's name is actually an acronym — in his case, for James Ewell Brown. He wore a yellow sash, a hat cocked to the side with an ostrich plume, and a red flower in his lapel. He was America's first wigger. He also overused cologne, a trait taken up a century later by military leaders in several small but notorious Asian countries. After he was killed at the age of 31 — for going into battle wearing the sartorial equivalent of a gigantic  SHOOT HERE  sign — his widow honored him by wearing black for the rest of her life, rather than by dressing like a pimp.

Jed Clampett


Jeb Stuart Magruder (November 5, 1934 – May 11, 2014) was a bag-man in the Watergate caper of Richard Nixon. Although named after the other Jeb Stuart, he did not dress foppishly but wore a three-piece suit. He had a key role planning the Nixon burglaries, and a keyer role in denying them in testimony to Congress. He went to prison for that and, like most other politicians in prison, declared he had found Christ and got his sentence reduced.

Bush diadem

"Cheb" Bush always tries to wear a fez when playing raï music in concert.

Jeb Bradley (born October 20, 1952) was a Republican Congressman, elected to "bring home the bacon": to coax money raised by taxation throughout the U.S. to flow into New Hampshire. In an exception that proves the Peter Principle, voters moved him out of Congress and into a humbler legislature in Concord, N.H., where he could coax money out of the region he used to coax it into and "bring it home" to Laconia and Wolfeboro.

Jeb Clampett is the widowed scion of the Clampett family of Bugtustle, Arkansas in the version of Beverly Hillbillies produced for the dyslexic community.

Cheb Bush is Bush #43's stage name when playing raï music. Since leaving the Presidency, Bush has performed at weddings and festivals around the Dallas area when he is not engaged in his more important occupation, tending to two goldfish in his smallish hotel suite. Cheb Bush retains his Secret Service protection, whereas the Algerian musicians who have taken on the "Cheb" title can only wish they had it, in the moments before they lose consciousness entirely.

Nixon caricature
Republicans and Conservatives
Mean and cranky is your only safe choice
Presidents: Bush #43CheneyBush #41QuayleReaganNixonAgnew
Supporting cast: BoehnerBush #45FoxJesusKissingerKochMcConnellTea PartyTrump
Loozahs: RomneyRyanthe 2008 loozahsDole
Commentators: BeckBuckleyCoulterKudlowLimbaughO'ReillyTalk radio


Potatohead aqua Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 18 March 2015
This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
<includeonly>Template:FA/18 March 2015Template:FA/2015</includeonly>
Personal tools
In other languages