Captain Picard

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Captain Picard Is Aroused By This Article Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise (United Federation of Planets registration number NCC-1701D) finds the content of this article most satisfactory indeed. The gentle, flowing narrative prose contained within this article conjures memories of the smooth skin, supple thighs, and ratty knotted scarlet bush of Dr. Beverly Crusher. Which, if you're Captain Picard is quite a nice thing, I suppose. Speaking personally, that's one of the more revolting mental images of the day, but to each their own.

Jean-Luc Picard after he had been assimilated by the Gay Borg Collective, and given the new name La Cute Ass.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Captain Picard.

Sir/Captain Jean-Luc Picard, often mistakenly called by his screen name Patrick Stewart, is the captain of the Federation Starship Enterprise. Picard is most widely known for standing up from his captain's chair and pulling his shirt down to where it should be. This is widely known as the Picard Maneuver, and is practiced by many including his first officer William T Riker (commonly referred to as simply "Beard"). Unlike other starship captains in the Star Trek Universe such as Captain Archer of the Enterprise NX-01, Picard will not be seen laying on the floor of a prison cell eating slop out of a dog bowl. He is much too proper for that shit. Instead, Picard's negative twists of fate involve firing phasers on the Klingons, straightening his shirt, and scanning the debris field for life signs. Recreational activities involve drinking Earl Grey Tea, reading shakespeare, fencing, deep conversations with Whoopi Goldberg, telling Wesley Crusher to STFU while trying to get into Beverly Crusher's pants, and reminding Worf not to fire phasers just yet.

During his life, Jean-Luc Picard was frequently quoted on subjects ranging from exo-archaeology to bathing etiquette. However, he shall always be remembered for his last words:

                  "Don't fire phasers just yet Mr. Worf, I think that grue is trying to communicate with us"

Picard is survived by a Roomba, a product of that affair he had with the borg queen.

Did you know...

that Picard is better than Kirk? And listing the 1,001 reasons why this is so is not funny?

The original pitch of TNG strayed too much from The Original Series. But just barely.

I'm afraid the Prime Directive forbids me from helping your primitive culture, sir.

[edit] See also

• Star Trek
• USS Enterprise
• Captain's Log
• Jean-Luc Picard on Wookieepedia, the Star Wars Wiki
• John Luck Picard, great⁸-grand-father of Jean Luc Picard.

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