From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Rank:||1st place in WW2|
|Date of Birth:||January 11, 1934|
|Place of Birth:||Shawinigan, Quebec|
“No, a proof is a proof. What kind of a proof? It's a proof. A proof is a proof, and when you have a good proof, it's because it's proven.”
“DID YOU SEE THAT HEAD OF HIS?!”
Joseph Jacques Jean Poutine Chrétien (born December 25, 0001), known commonly as The Father of Canadian Cronyism (and better known to U.S. presidents by his nickname Gene Cretin or Jean Poutine) is a retired Canadian dictator. He was the 20th Prime Minister of Soviet Canuckistan, serving for over ten years, from November 4, 1993 to December 12, 2003. He gained the office in the traditional way, winning a thumb-wrestling match over his predecessor, Kim Campbell. According to Campbell, Jean Chrétien is "a beautiful man".
Chrétien won three straight elections and nine gay ones, beating a motley collection of Reformista Albertans, Quebec Separatists, Rump Progressive Conservatives, and NDP leaders that would probably go unrecognized at their own nomination speeches.
He got elected in 1993, promising to overdo everything Brian Mulroney did, but in a shocking first for the Western World, several of his campaign promises were not kept. Considering his staunch anti-GST campaign, Chrétien's decision to rename the province of Alberta "GST-world" was rather controversial with some voters.
Chrétien was known for his excellent command of both the English and French languages, even earning the ironic nickname "The man of two second languages" or Le Grande Petit Pois. His comical antics delighted Canadians, and were often likened to those of a minstrel show. Police considered charging him for the deaths of hundreds of linguists who ended their own lives after watching his speeches, but later gave up after not being able to get a confession.
On November 5, 1995, André Dallaire attempted to assassinate Jean Chretien. Having studied under the great masters in Japan, Dallaire eluded, incapacitated or outright killed all 32 RCMP officers assigned to guard 24 Sussex Drive, the Prime Minister's official residence. (Debate still rages about how he would have bypassed the laser-beam and motion-activated turret guns.) But, unknown to Dallaire and his evil Chinese overlords, Chretien's wife Aline was a specially trained counter-assassin, having been planted in Chretien's family over 50 years ago to protect him. Her heroic defence of the Prime Misister's life has earned her the nickname "Crouching wife, hidden inuit statue".
During his later years as prime minister, he was philosophical, expounding on what proof really was.
Chrétien was later deposed in a violent (well, Canadian violent - lots of emails all in caps.) coup by Paul Martin who proclaimed himself "Lord Marshal of the Canadas" and exiled Chrétien to the Island of Lost Souls (a.k.a. Newfoundland).
He currently serves as President of SUNY Plattsburgh where he often smokes marijuana and urges decriminalization of pot.
The Little Red Book
During his second term as Prime Minister, Chrétien introduced two concepts to politics, responsible government and the hideous political blunder; both physically manifested with Chrétien's Little Red Book.
To be re-elected he wrote this book of promises that his government would fulfill if re-elected. He swore on his Mother's grave and pleaded and begged. Upon re-election, all existing copies of the book were burned, and mere mention of it became Canada's only capital offence.
|Prime Minister of Canada|
|Prime Ministers of Canada|
|Mackenzie | Abbott | Thompson | Bowell | Laurier | Borden | Meighen | King | Diefenbaker | Pearson | Trudeau | Clark | Turner | Mulroney | Campbell | Chrétien | Martin | Harper|