Jazz

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“The kids, they listen to the rap music. That gives them the brain damage. With the hippin and the hoppin and the bippin and the boppin, so they don't know what the jazz is all about! You see, jazz is like jello pudding. No, actually its more like Kodak film. No, actually jazz is like the New Coke. It'll be around forever. That reminds me of when I played stickball in the streets of Philadelphia back in 1957. Now listen to the jazz and eat the puddin'.”
~ Bill Cosby on Jazz
“Had I known what jazz was, I might have been a musician.”
“I HATE JAZZ!”
~ Johnny on jazz
“You fear Jazz...”
~ Howard on Johnny
“In Rock you play 3 chords and have 1000 people listening, but in Jazz you play 1000 chords and have 3 people listening!”
~ Frank Zappa on differences between Jazz & Rock music
“Jazz...well...it's that feeling you get when you're at Nowhere Street and the only way out is down, man.”
~ Britney Spears MTV interview.



Jazz, not to be confused with jizz, is a thick stream of sound that is produced by blowing on long tube-shaped things. It is often described as being white in color and is full of essential protein. Jazz is also not to be confused with scat, which while similar, is produced by vocal ejaculations and/or the movement of bowels.

Etymology

During an especially boring performance of Paris Philharmonic, the stagehand fell asleep. It is told that his supervisor used to clap sharply in his hands to speed him up whenever he was working slow. So after the concert has ended, the roaring applause woke him up.

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He was blinded by the stage lights and put on some sunglasses, lit his cigarette, and shuffled on stage to carry away the instruments after the show. However, another stage worker tried to hold him back. This caused him to stumble and fall into the drumset. The collapsing drumset hit a few saxophone players, who accidentally blew into their instruments.

When the initial shock subsided and everybody calmed down again, the stagehand (still under the collapsed drums) realized his mistake and exclaimed "Je'azz" (French for "I'm such a [dumb-] ass"). (See also The French language.)

The audience was excited about this coup de grâce because the concert had bored them stiff as well, and frantically applauded while chanting "Je'azz! Je'azz!"

The orchestra decided to leave classical music behind and concentrate on the new-born sound of "je'azz", and renamed itself to "Jeazz Instûmentalouè Sociête Savòyáble" (J.I.S.S). During the time, the silent "e" in "je'azz" was removed, because all musicians are lazy and didn't want to write something that wasn't heard anyway or as cool as two Zs in a row.

The History of Jazz

Jazz was born in the early 20th century, when, during a surprise audit, Anne Sullivan was required to justify billing for 240 hours in piano lessons. Early forms of jazz adhered to a strict set of forms; the modal minor, the discordant half-eighth, the squirrel, the Apex, the sub-Apex, the half-Apex, and the angry haircut. Audiences flocked to "music halls" to close their eyes and stare, enthralled with the precision with which elite Jazz musicians could repeat their mistakes. These styles were subjected to some degree of scorn and derision by newcomers who rejected the old chord structures in favor of wandering around Paris smacked out of their heads, losing their trilbies and making a terrible mess of their waistcoats with soft cheese; none the less, such notables as Cyril "The Trumpet Player" Barnsley and "Hot Wee-Wee" Jefferson "The Syphilis Kid", managed to chuck out all manner of abrasive noise in the name of art until they were arrested, tried and hanged in April 1969. It was in honor of this event that President Richard "Bart Simpson" Nixon chose to outlaw art and culture in all forms in the United States.

Your mother played the piccolo and Justin Timberlake played the triangle. And the rest, as they say, is history.

“It really resonates with me.”
“The triangle player's pan-rhythimiko-psycodelic-atonality is very meditative.”
“Your triangle player resonates with me”


Despite early setbacks, jazz went on to become the second most complicated music to emerge from the United States, falling just short of technical middle-eastern influenced blackened death post trash melodic doom drone sludge glam gothic math folk pedophile frog balls-lickin' gay metal. Unfortunately, this means that no one understands jazz except white liberals, black conservatives, and Stephen Hawking.

Famous Jazz Musicians

Wind instrumentalists

  • Louis Armstrong. First man to win the Tour du France with only one testicle while being on the Moon
  • Miles Davis. Went to sea-sea-sea to see what he could see-see-see. There were no survivors.
  • J.J. Johnson. Played the large instrument known as the TromBONER. Often considered to be compensating for something.
  • Ornette Coleman. Famous for playing through a toy saxophone that was given to him at the age of six. He also wrote Free Jazz, a suite seen by many as a musical response to America's dropping the A-Bomb on Hiroshima.
  • John Coltrane. Player of the SEXaphone, which was originally used in the same capacity as a blow-up doll until Coltrane decided to put his supreme love into it.
  • Kenny G. Messenger of Hell.
  • Kenny Garrett. Not to be confused with Kenny G, Kenny Garrett is hell's second-in-command, surpassed in power only by Satan.
  • Satan. Keith Jarrett.
  • Patrick James Poe the Second. Won 419 state Jazz championships in high school while playing trombone, tenor saxophone, piano, bass, linebacker, and point guard.

Pianists

  • The Notorious M.O.N.K. Piano player and beard lover.
  • Herbie Hancock. Crazy pianist who ripped out his vocal chords and replaced them with a vocoder.
  • Dave Brubeck, another crazy pianist who turned his own microwave into a time machine. Doesn't know what 4/4 time is.
  • Keith Jarrett, another crazy pianist who thinks grunting like monica seles when playing will help him win the set.
  • Jimmy Smith, The only man who ever played the organ. He killed the inventor of the organ in 1832.
  • The Duke of Ellington, pianist who could somehow play chords with one finger.
  • Oscar Peterson, Known for amputating his arms and replacing them with robots. Later in life these robots turned on him. he was never heard from again. but his hands kept on gigging for 12 years.
  • Art Tatum, A prototype super soldier designed to fight in World War I. His wires short circuited, and his objective switched from "fight" to "shred piano". He continued piano shredding until his robot body shut down.

Guitarists

  • Wes Montgomery. The ONLY jazz guitarist.
  • Grant Green. No, just forget him.
  • Kenny Burrel. Forget him too.
  • Joe Pass. Deceased, and ever since Joe passed has been referred to as "Joe Past".

Double bassists and drummers

  • Joe Morello, - Drummer who was made famous by his association with Dave Brubreck and his ability to play in various time signatures while gargling a mouthful of malt liquor. Was also a huge dork.
  • Aron Carter, - replaces every Bass player from 1960-??? on every Jazz record/coffee add.

Word Jazzers

  • Ken Nordine. Silver-voiced beatnik and movie trailer artiste.

General madmen

(all of the above + Kintaro Sakata)

Ironically, Jeffrey "Jazz" Townes (of Fresh Prince fame) was never a jazz musician. He preferred country.

Jazz Today

Jazz is hiding in a cave disguised as three different caves. Whenever anyone has attempted to contact Jazz it has responded with a boring, "Your mom". It is said that Jazz will emerge again once it realizes that the shadow on the cave wall is its own. Bill Cosby once tried to communicate with Jazz, because he knew what the jazz was all about, ya see. The conversation was going smoothly until Cosby proclaimed that Jazz was analogous to Kodak film, Jello Pudding Pops, and the New Coke, causing the understandably-confused Jazz to retreat back to the cave.

Smooth Jazz

Jazz is being threatened by this supposed form of "jazz". Smooth jazz is not jazz. It is more like some sort of damned soul music that wrote a poorly worded letter to the devil asking to be a rock group, thus resulting in their damnation. One of the fiends responsible for smooth jazz is Dave Koz. His name alone makes people cringe. Dave Koz is gay (this is actually true!).

Jazz Speak

During the 1930s, jazz speak was very popular in the American lower class. Popular phrases/words are:

  • cake-eater — A very handsome man with a cake fetish.
  • dame — Derogatory term for females.
  • boogie-woogie — The devil's jazz of the 1920s.
  • cat(s) — A domesticated member of the genus feline.
  • bad — Great.
  • axe - A deodorant never used by jazz musicians
  • wood shed - A butchering place for musical ideas
  • skag, horse, h, smack - the great jazz musicians equivilent of m and m's which is distinct from scat singing which is jazz's version of eminems.
  • stride — A piano style of backwoods pianists coming from a ragtime tradition and the way Dizzy Gillespie used to walk when chasing Bird on 52nd Street.
  • cut — Depending on residence this word has several meanings. Cut (1) refers to the process of making a record (2) the process of besting another musician on the bandstand, and (3) what South African and Kiwi musicians call the domesticated member of genus feline (see above)
  • money — also known as 'green', 'dough', 'bread' this word has no meaning in Jazz as the musicians rarely make any these days.
  • digging the dots - the ability to read music (Special Note - this does NOT mean the player will play what is written just he knows what it is.
  • Chops - A distinctive hairstyle worn by jazz musicians which consisted of obnoxiously large sideburns.
  • Doo-dot - A vebalization of the articulation of an eighth note with the first eighth legato and the second eighth stacatto whilst high on marijuana

Uses of Jazz

Jazz, as the harsh sounding word suggests, was used in many a foul dealing over the years.

It is a well known fact that Jazz is in fact sex. Associations between Jazz and sex are intense and extensive. What this actually means is that Jazz is most definitely a form of intercourse. Many stories exist of men who have seduced vunerable women with the power of Jazz, touching them only with the music, then for these woman to become pregnant with the spawn of Jazz. Evidence exists which suggests that the virgin Mary herself shook her head in time with the syncopated rythms of this hypnotic sound and so Jesus is the first child of Jazz. However, women must beware. Jazz, although when enjoyed of your own will can be pleasurable, Jazz nerds who don't get much may use this form of intercourse on you against your own will. In this way Jazz can be used as a form of rape.

It is rumoured Jazz was the music the Devil listened to when chilling out, recommending it to God one day at one of the Heaven and Hell annual drinks parties. God was said to have accepted it politely, then threw it down the garbage shoot when Satan had moved off, sending it spiralling into the midst of the world of the living. So basically, God screwed us over again. And i'd like to see Scientologists explain that one. Yeah.

Jazz has also been used throughout WWII. When the Japanese tortured the English and American soldiers they captured, during the war, they would often use Jazz as a method of torture, the ridiculously crazy music either forcing the captives into confessing, or making them mad with the pain of the devilish music.

Hitler would listen to it before giving speeches and conducting rallies

Jazz is also the music of the elite. This is evidenced by the fact that it has historically been played on tours of luxury homes, which the general public could only dream of affording until the recent crash of the housing market. It is useful in distracting from negative thoughts, such as impending property tax bills, negative cash flow situations, negative shareholder feedback, dysfunctional family relations, corporate reorganizations, private health issues, and the like. There's nothing like a good Kenny G record to distract from these things...at least until the music ends.

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