Jay Leno
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Jay Leno (also known as O.G. Mudbone), once the leering late-night leader of talk show hosts, reknowned for his ability to giggle and sneer at the same time and for telling the longest Clinton joke in history has, coincidentally, become historical fodder. After telling the same Clinton joke to an enthusiastic audience of Hollywood tourists for twenty years, his material has become obsolete, his Schwarzenegger impressions tiresome repeats, and his entourage of eccentric pop-ups theatrical throwbacks to the heydays of theatrics.
[edit] Late-Night Leno
“Did ya see this, did ya hear about this?”
Following a fifty year stint of serving up half an hour of droll skits as a prelude to the *good* half hour with celebrity interviews, aka self-serving promotions by awkward actors with zero flair for salesmanship, and who, when asked which video clip from their latest movie was about to be shown halfway around the world would respond, "uh, duh, huh huh huh, Huh? I dunno. I don't have to know cuz ...uh, can I have another jack and coke in my late night coffee cup?", Jay bequeathed the late night show to the first non blue-haired senior citizen to Irishman, Conan O'Brien.
[edit] WTF
After a few months, panicking NBC executives realized that, by putting a middle-aged guy into the traditional realm of gray haired geezers, they had not only fubared NBC late night for all time, but TV in general, and given people a reason to go to bed at night instead of snacking past their bedtime and performing poorly at work the next day.
Although the the late night show has for years attracted approx. half the population of Cleveland, Ohio, the reckless decisions of NBC has reduced the viewing audience to the size of Delaware.
[edit] Late-Night anything
NBC also failed to realize that most people have to get up around 6:30 am because they have to FuCKIng WORK! So who are these laze-abouts watching comedy shows late into the evening hours? LOSERS. People who can't work because of their drug/alcohol addiction. By 11:00 PM, everything is hilarious, even Jay Leno. By 11:15, his retarded guests are even marginally funny. Just kidding. What a bunch of nervous nellies. Although alcohol can increase humor, it also creates embarrassingly silly admissions/remininsces from the unfortunate guests. Like that one time at band camp............(insert all Leno guests here).
[edit] Musical Appearances
Most so-called bands choose to debut their worst song EVER on the late night venue. The reason for this can be explained by the simple explanation that "who fucking cares"? No one is listening because they fell asleep during the movie promo section and/or never heard of these retarded bands and turn off the TV to save on their electric bill.
[edit] Is Jay Leno's chin his Achilles' heel?
- Main Article: Jay Leno's Chin
Of course it is! Why else did Conan do flashlight under the chin impressions for years before The Tonight Show? Because he knew if Jay Leno put a flashlight under his chin and sang "In the year 3000", the audience would run screaming out of the building, trampling eachother, and cause a massive panic the likes of which haven't been seen since King Kong. The phenonemal trapezoid effect is scary because the longer the chin, the more massive the forehead when under-lighted. (Is this a word? Fuck no, but everyone knows the meaning of this from childhood sleepovers since time incarnate.)
Just close your eyes and imagine Leno, Frankenstein or Herman Munster (wait, best keep your eyes open), shining flashlights under their chins. Very scary and enough to call in the US military. NBC couldn't afford to allow such negative publicity, therefore Leno's chin was insured for $500,000 including a no flashlight clause. If anyone shoots Leno's chin with an arrow, NBC will benefit from the insurance policy and possibly save the network.
[edit] Battles with Bruce Campbell
It is a well known fact that Jay Leno and Bruce Campbell are bitter enemies, often arguing about who has the better chin. This argument reached a climax in what is now known as the Chin Wars. Leno is thought to have lost this battle, but anyone who has even hints that he did has been crushed to death by his massive chin. The lone exception to this is Gordon Freeman (see image at left), who chuckles every time he sees Jay.
[edit] Charity Work
Leno makes a whole shitload of money, most of which he gives away to deserving, underprivileged people like Bill Gates, Donald Trump and Oprah. He also has a large collection of cars, in which he likes to drive around Los Angeles and run over sorry-ass restaurant waiters who think they're going to be the next Tom Cruise. You might think this is mean-spirited, but it's not. He's actually sparing them a lifetime of rejection and misery by running them over, so "it's charity, motherfucker!" (ed. note: Leno likes to scream out "motherfucker" after successfully committing a fatal hit-and-run blow to another waiter on Melrose Avenue)
[edit] The Clinton Era
Soon after news of President Clinton's sex scandal emerged in the mainstream media, Leno found his calling. Every day since, he has told the infamous "Clinton Joke" to an enthusiastic audience. He is hailed as the inventor of the Clinton Joke, and has honed it throughout the years with each telling. Years after Clinton's term ended, Leno continued well into the next presidency, adapting current events to fit into a Clinton joke at least twice in one night. He was awarded the honorary Comedy Central "Comedic Achievement for Most Clinton Jokes in One Lifetime Award" in 2008.
Since then, Leno has retired to a humble village with his wife and airplane hangar of 1000+ cars, vowing never to appear on television again. He still tells his famed Clinton jokes to the locals, as well as his children and grandchildren, who will remember them for years to come.
[edit] Arnold Schwarzenegger voice impersonations
Jay Leno's habit of lapsing into nonsensical Arnold Schwarzenegger voice-overs like a Tourette's Syndrome victim were cited as the reason for his replacement of the Tonight Show host by Conan O'Brien in 2009. Critics have likened the impersonation to that of a drunken retarded walrus, or possibly a Bulgarian moose during mating season. Cable companies claim that within 5 seconds of these horrific imitations, 95% of the viewers flip the channel to Letterman.
[edit] Memorable Quotes
- On Monday Derek Jeter announced that he supports his teammate Alex Rodriguez, but he does not condone anything he did...including Madonna.
- On Thursday, politcians came together asking the corporate CEO's to apoligize to the American people for squandering their money, the CEOs replied "Yeah, you go first."
- Very exciting Super Bowl on Sunday, and they said every seat at Raymond James Stadium was a good seat. Unless, of course, you were sitting behind Aretha Franklin. 'Hey, lady, the hat. Take the hat off, lady.'
- And the half brother of Barack Obama, a man named George Obama, has been arrested in Kenya for allegedly having drugs. See, here we go again with the dumb presidential brothers. Remember Billy Carter? Then there was Roger Clinton, Bill Clinton's brother. See, we never had that problem with President Bush. He was already the dumb brother.
- There was a huge scientific breakthrough today. Researchers say they are very close to finding someone from Obama's Cabinet who's actually paid their taxes.
- And former Maryland Lieutenant Governor Michael Steele has become the first African-American Republican National Committee chairman ever. Black Republicans said they were thrilled. Both of them.
- And because of our huge budget crisis, California's now going to delay paying your tax refunds, to which Tom Daschle said, "That's why I didn't pay them in the first place."
- Recently it has been reported that Paris Hilton has lost her virginity...to which George Bush said, "Aw...She'll find it."
- THIS COUNTRY SO FAT.
[edit] Trivia
- Jay Leno is the only celebrity to ever be married to the same spouse for more than 5.8 milliseconds, a record.
[edit] People in show business Jay hasn't heartlessly screwed
[edit] Bibliography
- All My Clinton Jokes
- 501 Hilarious Clinton Jokes
- DYI: Clinton Jokes And You
- How I Got Started Telling Clinton Jokes
- Clinton Jokes: The Secret to Being a Real Comedian
- How to Tell a Clinton Joke (Illustrated)
- The Continued Evolution of the Clinton Joke Throughout Time, by Stephen Hawking
- I Like Motorcycles, and So Should You and Bill Clinton Joke Manual
- Monday is My Porn Night With More Bill Clinton Jokes
- Bill Clinton's Jaw of Destiny With More Bill Clinton Jokes
- How to Tell a Clinton joke: "Did you hear about the time Clinton got a blowjob?"
- "All Things Led Zeppelin," I mean "Jay Leno," I mean "Clinton," I mean...never mind
- When I Attacked and Raped My NBC Boss Bob Wright, by Jay Leno's Evil Twin
