Jay-Z (band)
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“That guys got some lips on him.”
“I think he has a better arse than Beyonce. Just saying.”
“We're just very good friends.”
“They're not just very good friends.”
The Best Rapper Alive (abbreviated to Jay-Z) is a rapper, entrepreneur, homosexual, and part-time Taco Bell employee from Brooklyn, NY. Commonly accepted as the best thing to ever happen to hip-hop, it is believed that Jay-Z may in fact be a figment of all of our imaginations, encompassing what it is to be "street" and "down with the hood".
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[edit] Homo..er..Humble Beinnings
The origins of Jay-Z (pronounced Marklar) are still unclear, although two main theories remain most reputable. The first suggests that the he may have emerged from a tremendously dense and hot state. This theory is not dissimilar to the Poof, There It Is Theory which attempts to explain the creation of the Universe. The most commonly accepted theory is that Jay-Z is the universe.
However, the Jay-Z himself objects to this theory, as it goes against his Stupid Jesus Christian Hip-hop (courtesy of D-1)beliefs. Jigga insist that he was created in six days by some Africans wearing a G-string (yes, one between all of them). Nevertheless, many are still reluctant to accept this theory due to the common belief that Rolf Harris is G-string 's father, and the clothing item could not have created its own father. If this had happened, it would have caused a malfunction in the time-space continuum, resulting in the immediate end of time itself. Jay-Z claims that his theory is best because people fail to take into account that he purchased all of time and space back in late 2005 and will rip it apart as much as he damn well pleases.
[edit] History
Jay-Z released his first album, Dark Side Of The Moon, in June 1996, but it was quite unsuccessful due to lack of publicity, a low production budget and a lack of any talent whatsoever. In the following years, he continued to struggle, with singles such as Real Niggaz and Forgot About Dre barely scraping the US and UK single charts.
Persistence paid off though, as in 2007 Jay-Z collaborated with Gay Out Boy on his seventh release, Christian Bullshit. This six-song EP originated after a few of Gay Out Boy's song's took a few of Jay-Z's songs on a night out, which resulted in new offspring. These six "hybrid" tracks rocketed both Gay Out Boy and Jay-Z to immediate success, which only Nobody foresaw. This led to further work with acts such as Linkin Park, Jim Crow, Ron Paul, and Charles Dickens. Jay-Z maintained a high level of success for 30 years, with eight platinum-selling albums, but in 2038 he retired due to a rare disorder.
[edit] Experimentation
Over the course of his career, Jay-Z was praised for his originality. Never content to produce the same product twice, Jay-Z pushed his music in all kinds of directions. For example, on his seventh album Raptor Jesus, Jay-Z made use of several unique instruments, including didgeridoo, banjo, brush and dustpan, frozen turkey and Microsoft Sam. In 2019 Jay-Z dared to release a Jewish Folk Rock orientated album which he called Jay-Z: Country Fried. The album caused much controversy, with songs such as Kosha Niggas Be Burnin' and Dirty Matza Nigga Showa Tymezz resulting in uproar in many Jewish communities. However, many commended Jay-Z on his insane lyrical style, and were impressed he could adapt so easily to the genre. This release earned Jay-Z a place in the Jewish Hall Of Fame, alongside other legends including Adolf Hitler.
[edit] Rap Beef with Homosexuals...because he's totally not one.
Long known by his fans as a hardcore defender of the North American homophobic tradition, Jay-Z has been involved in many so called "rap beefs".
More recently, however, Jay-Z has been involved in a more high profile beef, with Gerard Way, of the equally successful (but succinctly less hardcore) rap group, My Chemical Romance. The incident stems from an incident in which front[wo]man Gerard Way engaged in non-consensual (on the part of Jay-Z) sex. Jay-Z's feelings, understandably hurt by these actions, and Gerard's affiliation with "tha East Coast", forced him to counter this violation by coining the line "I got a chemical romance, GOD save me from the Black Parade!"
One of Jay-Z's former lovers friends, rapper Nas, started a fued with him, calling him a "dirty, cheating whore" and a "big doodoo head". Jay-Z responded "FUK THHAT NIGGA! heez a fag lol". The are a number of theories of how this started, the most possible being that Jay-Z was Nas' first boyfriend, he got drunk from drinking to much urine, and ended up fucking his twin brother, Camel Joe.
This latest attack has caused many fans on both sides of the battle lines to say "Shit, son, that's hardcore!". Jay-Z responded by insulting his fans and reminding them that he is the greatest thing to ever happen to music. It was also at this point that he took credit for the career of Barbara Walters and the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings.
[edit] List of Things Jay-Z Claims Were His Idea
Over the course of his career, Jay-Z has taken responsibility for many things. It is a commonly accepted fact that if anything good has happened, Jay-Z will find some way to relate the event to himself and take credit. Here's a short list of things Jay-Z claims he invented:
Lil Wayne (later blamed Lil Wayne on Kanye West)
Beyonce's booty
Sliced bread
Heterosexuality (after being accused of homosexuality, which he claims was invented by This Guy)
D-Day
The Industrial Revolution
[edit] Homosexuality/Relationship With Kanye West
It is rumored that Jay-Z has an on again off again relationship with fellow rapper Kanye West. It is believed that his song "Nigga I Down Fo Ya Asshole", off of his first album, may be the most revealing exposition of him and Kanye's alternative lifestyle. Jay-Z has claimed that the song was about Star Wars, and in no way insinuates homosexuality.
An example of "Nigga I Down Fo Ya Asshole" can be read here:
"All tha cash in tha world ain't compare to my dick When it's up yo ass Ye can fell dat it's thick."
Jay-Z has responded to accusations of homosexuality by marrying Beyonce and releasing "I Wear Black Cuz I Lyke Tha Honeyzz (No, Seriously, I'm Not Gay)".
[edit] Coming out...of retirement
Jay-Z has been offered large sums of money to come out of retirement for concerts and tours, however, he has turned these offers down due to financial security, and enjoying his time on his French vineyard with his friend Kanye West.
On Tomorrow, 2045, it was confirmed that Jay-Z would be headlining the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival. He says that he agreed to do this gig because it contains the word art in the name. ' Jay-Z is also rumored to be working on a new album, "Tha Glue Sniff III".
[edit] Discography
"Dark Side of the Moon"
"I Wear Black Cuz I Lyke Tha Honeyzz (No, Seriously, I'm Not Gay)"
"Tha Glue Sniff I"
"My Clozet Iz a Mo'fuckin' Mansion (So Hellz Yeah I'm Innit!)"
"Tha Glue Sniff II"
"American Gangster (Because I can make an album way better than that movie)"
"Raptor Jesus"
"Jay-Z: Country Fried"
