Jason Vorhees

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Jason enjoying a Baby Ruth with his childhood friend Lars. He later regarded the Baby Ruth as tasting awful, and proclaimed real babies to be chewier and less likely to get peanuts stuck in his teeth.

Jason Emmanuel Vorhees (1946-?) is an American poet, actor, serial killer, and master of the aryan race. It is believed that he was dropped often on his head as a baby.

edit Childhood

Vorhees was often picked on by his other classmates for his insane mental status. Eventually one day in 1959 he couldn't take it and decieded to end his life. Jason tied large stones to his body and attempted suicide. While going down he noticed "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?" so he attempted to rise back up,butt decided "Hey Mom will probably just turn into a complete psycho and kill everyone because her false accusations and over obsessive rape crush on me," Anyways I'm drowning in toxic waste I'll just ressurect and wear a indestructible hockey mask and be named Jason Vorhees

edit Career


Jason began his killing career as a wrestler in the WWF from 1985 to 1986. He led a WWF undefeated record of 28-0 with 28 fatalaties. Jason subsequently retired from the ring and vowed to live a more eco-friendly existence by moving back to his childhood home in the woods of Camp Crystal Lake. Jason often talked to tree spirits, who told him watering the soil of the camp grounds with the blood of the innocent was the only way to achieve nirvana and become one with Mother Earth.

Jasonf Even when Killing, Jason is Always Jolly

edit Resurrection

21 years later in 1980, Jason was able to muster up the strength to swim to the top of the lake. He reportedly searched for his mother, but was informed she was killed by a drunk driver. The drunk driver cut his mothers head off with a machette. This lead to his work in poetry and the creation of the Jason Vorhees foundation to stop drunk driving.

After discovering his mothers death, Vorhees published his first book entitled "Who is my father?" here is a sample poem:

Mommy dearest,
I love you
But you were a slut
I'll never have a father
Fuck you

His book was #1 in sales for 4 years until Jeffery Dahmers cookbook finally brought it down.

edit Jason Voorhees Foundation

Vorhees started the foundation in 1985 after his book "Friday The 13th: A day in the life of me" lost its top spot. The foundation supports drunk driving. In 1987 the foundation was shut down after The IRS discovered that all the procceds were helping drunk drivers stay on the road.

edit Mass Murders

6 months after his corrupt foundation was shut down. Jason went crazy. He looked to loose his virginity at age 42 with the help of Steve Carell. After two years of attempting to get laid, Voorhees turned on his long time friend Steve Carell and murdered him with a machette, a homage to the man who killed his mother. Jason stored the body in his storage unit downtown. He then started a spree of mass murders. Targeting specifically women, jews, and homosexuals. He usually kills a black guy before getting started on the whites. After two more years of murders the police finally had Jason surrounded. Not wanting to face the horrors and sodomy of prison, Jason jumped off the top of his apartment building. Before he hit the ground a black hole opened and sucked Jason in. Police assumed they were done with him.

edit Return to Earth

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jason Vorhees.

In 2005 Jason had returned to earth after climbing out of the ass of hell. The first thing he did was contact the police in order to confess to the killing of over 2500 ethiopians. However, no one seemed to care about Ethiopia and Jason received a presidential pardon. Jason then went to his old storage unit and fished out Steve Carell's body. He removed Carell's face and sewed it over his own. He then got offered the lead for the show american show, the office which he accepted, but went under the name Steve Carell, because before the office no one knew who Steve Carell was.

edit Jason in Space

In the not so distant future of 2010, Jason is captured by intergalactic bounty hunter Boba Fett and frozen in Carbonite for 445 years until his delivery to Jabba the Hut on planet Tatooine. It was there that he used a futuristic weapon, called a knife, to engage in a lightsaber duel with Obi-Wan Kenobi. Much of Jason's body was mutilated beyond recognition and required nanotechnology to reconstruct his mask with the help of Naomi Hunter, a renowned nanotechnologist.

edit Arrest

In 2006 Jason Voorhees took his computer into Geek Squad to be upgraded, but it was discovered in the history that he had been viewing pirated movies, child porn, and remixes of Star Wars kid. He was brought into custody by police, but was never arrested because his dell computer overheated and exploded, leaving no evidence of the crimes.

edit Firing

Following the allegations, Jason was fired from the office. The network said it was a mutual agreement, but two weeks later the actress playing Meredith was found murdered. No charges were pressed as everyone was happy that the assface was dead. Jason was in and out of work after his own series entitled Voorhees focusing on observational humor, was cancled after 2 episodes because everyone remembered Seinfeld. He was then hired as a cashier at circuit city.

edit Start of the Aryan Race

Jason then worked his way up through the company, and on January 15, 2009 he was named chairman of Circuit City. On January 16th, 2009 the company announced it was going out of buisness. They later told Jason that they used him as a scapegoat. Because it was a money problem, Jason quickly pointed the finger at the Jews. He then formed the Aryan Race: Rebirth where he is the master. He is currently the only member of the Aryan Race. David Spade was briefly a member, but was killed by Jason after revealing his homosexuality.

edit Endnotes

  • It is currently unknown if Jason is still alive, a living dead, or an undead being. However, it is rumored he has confirmed to make a machete slashing appearance in Redondo Beach this Halloween.
  • Jason is a rumored closet homosexual.
  • Jason has been diagnosed with every mental issue known to man.
  • Jason adored being A serial killer until a man in a christmas sweater took his spot letting him be able to retire
  • Jason didn't really drown, he grew gills and lived underwater
  • Its still undecided wether Jasons Mother was the killer or not
  • Jason loves Prince CDs even though he's older than most
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