Jared Leto
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Jared Freakin' Leto is, as many fangirls claim, 0MG the most AH-mazing, TAlented, SEXY, GORgeous, AWzum, C00Lest Eh-ver, liCKabl3, gud SMELLing, zuh-ESty, spUNky, hypn0tic, kidNAPPabL3, m0L3stable, sPRINGy, suh-NAZzy, FUH-REAKish person on the entire frikkin' planet/universe/space. They also numbered many other positive characteristics belonging to him, but they were incomprehensible. He is also a vampire.
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[edit] Childhood
Jared Leto grew up in a small part in Raccon City, he was not infected by the zombies becuase they were all killed by his awsomeness and did not dare to go near him. His family died with all the zombies, but one day a man called Carlisle Cullen offered living with them in forks with his family, Jared and his brother Shannon said yes. two days 4 thays later they became vampires.He enjoyed gardening (as revealed in the song "93 Million Miles" by 30 Seconds To Mars) and playing with kittens until age 5, when Mr. Shahbahlagahdingdong (from The Suite Life of Zack and Cody series) dominated the land. From this time on, La-La Land was no longer in the Happy Era, but the Sad Era. He no longer found pleasure in happy things, but instead in sad things like drinking the blood of the innocent and starving himself for movie roles. He eventually dropped out of high school because he could not take the sadness anymore and fled to a land called LA. This is where he was discovered by Lord Voldemort, who put him in the My So-Called Life series. Lord Voldemort will forever be like a father figure to him, for he saved his soul. While he was on the set of MSCL (as hard-core My So-Called Life fans would say), he found his first true love: Angela, aka Claire Danes. She brought him out of his misery and persuaded him to write songs about cars. He would have gone back to gardening and playing with kittens, but he never attempted it after he was beat up by Dick Cheney for doing so. From then on, he started doing hard-core things such as singing, acting, pissing off the media, and hooking up with chicks. No sorry all he really is-- is normal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!And he is the best person in the entire world(at baking cookies). He has a fear of overweight mexican woman called Hagoff for the reason that he was sat on when he was born. He likes pie and walking to the beach with the shells that talk to him.
[edit] Sex Life
Jared Leto's sex life consists of women,vampires, geese, and anything edible. This statement was verified when a cool-ass interviewer from France asked him "What turns you on?" and he replied "What doesn't turn me on?" Fangirls have been reported performing strange rituals ever since. Nobody knows exactly what the purpose of this is, but one witness reported that he remembered the strange group to be chanting in Chinese.He takes the Kama Sutra approach.He dosnt really has had a really good sex life and i appreciate him for that. he is currently dating his dog, Judas.
When none of the above are available, he will readily cut a hole in something and fuck that instead.
[edit] Career
Jared Leto is well known for his movie roles, for his credibility in the music industry, and for his ability to act like an asshole (this is what the magazines say, so it must be true). He is very successful in all areas. Because he's special abilities granted by being a sexy vampire he does almost anything in the world because, of course he does not sleep so he's known for singing, composing, acting, directing, cooking (he bakes a mean cake and makes square pancakes) , dancing (he's also known as Happy Feet), hiking (generally very high stages) and so on...
Movies
Leto is most known for getting his limbs amputated, for getting beat up, killed, shot, stabbed, arrested, poisoned, burned, axed, and molested in his movies. The reasoning for this is unknown, but some have suggested that it may be because of his rough childhood in La-La Land, and that he thirsts for pain. To put it in plain words, he's Emo. He's also an artist who suffers for his art so for every movie he maltreats himself in one way or another : he starves himself until he becomes like "Achmed the Dead Terrorist", he plucks his hair to be bald, he eats until he becomes like a normal average American (obese - 230lbs), he shaves (that's the most real sacrifice that he's ever made). His most successful role was in American Psycho when all people with good taste lined up in a 57 mile line to see Christian Bale kill the ugly bastard.
Music
Older brother Shannon and Jared formed a band in 1998 called 30 Seconds To Mars because they are part space-monkey. When their first CD, self titled, came out in 2002, their genre was described as "space-rock". Soon, people began to suspect them for being aliens. The brothers noticed this and realized that they may have given too much information about themselves. So, to hide their true identity, they came out with another album 3 years later. This album was called "A Beautiful Lie", which was their way of denying that they were space-monkeys, and the sound was no longer out of this world. The "Space-Monkey Outrage of 2002" has died down since then, but there are still a few people who have not let go of their suspicions. The SOON concept is a leitmotif which often appears in the activity of 30 seconds to mars . This is also an argument for the fact that they actually are aliens...Somehow they managed to be atemporal, because they live somewhere in the 4th dimension where time passes either very slow (they seem to have remained stuck in the early years of their youth where fooling and goofing around like kinder garden boys is a normal behavior) or either very fast, soon for them becoming in a normal human dimension months or even years of waiting. So we'll soon see the video for A beautiful lie ( which seems to feature the band's cow, named Frodrick, eating grass in a blizzard ), we'll soon have a new album, we'll soon hear Jared is in Mexico again, etc... They also enter in a time-loop at every concert before they sing the well known "The Kill", when time almost stops and Jared screams desperately "This next song...The next song is called...is called...is calleeed!!!!"
Asshole Abilities
Leto first became known as "The Asshole" after he attempted to choke a hobbit. People nearby claim to have heard phrases such as "I will eat your face!" and "I will eat your mom's face!" before the fight broke out. Later, the hobbit claimed that Leto became upset after he accused him of having an affair with his own brother, Shannon. "The whole thing was kind of ridiculous." he stated. Leto was not available for comment, for he was helping his guitarist give their poodle a bath in champagne.
Memory Span
Jared was actually acknowledged by The Space-Monkeys Guinness book to be the creature with the memory larger than an marsephant's (the equivalent on Earth would be elephant). So he never forgets anything. He will always remember every night of his life (especially if there was a concert)-though, paradoxally, every concert is his best concert-, every country he's ever been in (although he has a problem to distinguish Denmark from Holland), every fan he talks to, every interview he does...
[edit] His Healing Powers
Leto's voice is known to have healing powers. So far, he has been seen healing warts, cancer, and death. Though it has not been confirmed, some say his voice can make you up to 89 years younger. It is also rumored that you may receive multiple orgasms to gain inner peace. His voice is currently being harnessed into a digestible formula so that its powers can be spread to the needy people of the world.
Mr. Smiley, from your imagination, has said that his voice has done wonders for his acne. "Just wait -- Jared will kick Pro-Active and Jessica Simpson's ass!" he reported.
