Jared Leto

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jared Leto.

Jared Freakin' Leto (born December 26, 2001) is an American twelve year old rapper, that many fangirls claim, incredibly talented. They also numbered many other positive characteristics belonging to him, but they were incomprehensible. He is also a vampire hooker that likes other twelve year old boys.

edit Childhood

Jared Leto grew up in a small part in Raccoon City, he was not infected by the zombies because they were all killed by his huge ego and did not dare to go near him. His family died with all the zombies, but one day a man called Lestat offered them a home in New Orleans with his vampire family, and Jared and his brother/sister/unknown gender sibling Shannon accepted. Two days later they became vampires. He enjoys gardening (as revealed in the song "93 Million Miles" by 30 Seconds To Mars) and playing with kittens until age 5, when Mr. Shahbahlagahdingdong (from The Suite Life of Zack and Cody series) dominated the land. From this time on, La-La Land was no longer in the Happy Era, but the Sad Era. He no longer found pleasure in happy things, but instead in sad things like drinking the blood of the innocent and starving himself for movie roles. He eventually dropped out of high school because he could not take the sadness anymore and fled to a land called LA. This is where he was discovered by Lord Voldemort, who put him in the My So-Called Life series. Lord Voldemort will forever be like a father figure to him, for he saved his soul. While he was on the set of MSCL (as hard-core My So-Called Life fans would say), he found his first true love: Angela, aka Claire Danes. She brought him out of his misery and persuaded him to write songs about cars. He would have gone back to gardening and playing with kittens, but he never attempted it after he was beat up by Dick Cheney for doing so. From then on, he started doing hard-core things such as singing, acting, pissing off the media, and hooking up with chicks and baking cookies. He has a fear of overweight mexican women called Hagoff which stems from a tragic accident in his childhood in which he was sat upon by a Mexican woman named Hagoff. He likes pie and walking on beaches with the shells that talk to him.

edit Sex Life

Jared Leto's sex life consists of men, vampires, ferrets, snake sperm and anything edible. This statement was verified when a cool-ass interviewer from France asked him "What turns you on?" and he replied "What doesn't turn me on?". Fangirls have been reported performing strange rituals ever since. Nobody knows exactly what the purpose of this is, but one witness reported that he remembered the strange group to be chanting in Chinese. He takes the Kama Sutra approach.

When none of the above are available, he will readily cut a hole in something and fuck that instead.

Jared has fucked a lot of men,and some underage teenage fangirls, from a pre pubes-escent Scarlett Johansson to a ginger pube-escent Lindsay Lohan. When he banged the shit out of Paris Hilton,when she was six, she gave him a really bad rash, so bad that he bit her and now she too is a vampire. Cameron Diaz was engaged to him (at the age of 4) despite the fact that he has a fuck-buddy in most major citys of the world.

A lesser known fact would be that Leto is actually well hung, however it does not appear so as Leto follows a ritual copied by many Emos to give the effect that a person is permanently anal and emotionally retarded. This ritual consists of stuffing ones penis into ones asshole for dual storage as well as pleasure.

Jared also enjoys going to swinging party's with Charlie Sheen and Courtney Love. Charlie got his idea to lock his hooker in the bathroom from Jared

edit His Healing Powers

Leto's voice is known to have healing powers. So far, he has been seen healing warts, cancer, and death. Though it has not been confirmed, some say his voice can make you up to 89 years younger. It is also rumored that you may receive multiple orgasms to gain inner peace. His voice is currently being harnessed into a digestible formula so that its powers can be spread to the needy people of the world.

It is often said that Leto uses his voice as well as sex with under-aged gingers to prevent his own aging and preserve his power to wear leather pants, SNM gear and eyeliner at the youthful age of 38. However this rumour has been disproved, and in actual fact he snorts the sundried pubes of teenage boys.

edit Career

Jared Leto is well known for his movie roles, for his credibility in the music industry, and for his ability to act like an asshole (this is what the magazines say, so it must be true...not really). He is very successful in all areas due to his sexy vampire special powers. He does everything in the world because, of course, he does not sleep. He's known for singing, composing, acting, directing, cooking (he bakes a mean cake and makes square rainbow chip pancakes...yum), dancing (he's also known as Happy Feet), hiking (generally very high stages) and so on...

edit Movies

Leto is most known for getting his limbs amputated, for getting beat up, killed, shot, stabbed, arrested, poisoned, burned, axed, and molested in his movies. The reason for this is unknown, but some have suggested that it may be because of his rough childhood in La-La Land, and that he thirsts for pain. To put it in plain words, he's a masochist. He's also an artist who suffers for his art so for every movie he maltreats himself in one way or another. He starved himself until he became like "Achmed the Dead Terrorist"; plucked his hair to be bald; ate until he became like a normal average American (obese - 230lbs), and shaved (Leto's greatest known sacrifice).

edit Music

After developing an unhealthy obsession with Gerard Way, older brother(?) Shannon and Jared formed a band in 1998 called 30 Seconds to Mars because they were born to suck ass. When their first CD, self titled, came out in 2002, their genre was described as "space-rock". Soon, people began to suspect them for being aliens. The brothers noticed this and realized that they may have given too much information about themselves. So, to hide their true identity, they came out with another album 3 years later. This shitty album was called "A Beautiful Lie", which was their way of denying that they were gay, incest-loving space-monkeys, and the sound was no longer out of this world. The "Space-Monkey Outrage of 2002" has died down since then, but there are still a few people who have not let go of their suspicions.

edit Memory Span

Jared was actually acknowledged by Jesus to be his favorite ever creation, which is just more proof that religion is bad. He also has a never-ending memory, so he never forgets anything (except the lyrics and chords of his songs). He will always remember every night of his life (especially if there was a concert though, paradoxically, every concert is his best concert), every country he's ever been in (although he has a problem to distinguish Denmark from Holland), every fan he talks to, every interview he does, every lucky bitch he has a night with, every photo he's taken, and so on.

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