Jar Jar Binks
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“Jeezus this guy's uglier than me!!”
“I've created a monster!”
~ George Lucas on the influence of mushrooms
“If only I knew the force choke as a child!!!”
“Meesa brokin Star Wars”
“Jar-Jar Binks stole my rum!”
~ Jack Sparrow on Jar-Jar Binks
“I hate Jar Jar Binks”
~ God on Jar Jar Binks
Jar Jar Notwarwar Frederick Alfred Salaam Cockmunch F'tang F'tang Olé Biscuitbarrel Honey Suckle Poptart Crisp Smat Viola Sophie Blubberhose Maria Phillip Tortilla Volascas Baaaaaad Bombin' PJ Rimram Louise Caolán Charles Poptart Philip Arthur George Crumpnickleface Patty Johnson Christian Motto Perreira Malomar McNorton Vinegar Elvis Leopold Binks XIV (b. February 31, 1959 - d. December 3, 2005)(complications of pneumonia, crabs and Alzheimer's disease) with a rare disease of growing 5 dicks and 2 vaginas at the same time and shooting out chocolate instead of sperm from all the dicks of Naboo was a well-known White Supremacist Shock Victim and Left Wing scourge of political Correctness until his unfortunate death at the hands of an Ewok and 4000 holes in Blackburn, Lancashire. His well known portrayal of a crude black caricature in Star Wars The Phantom Menace of the sort that wasn't funny even back in 1953, was his vitriolic response to what he perceived as one Anglo Saxon Gungan's lone stand against the "Orwellian forces of Political Correctness and Communist Lesbians who currently rule the galaxy forcing people to be nice to one another". He was later quoted as saying he took the role due to the fact that "If I want to be a a rabbit eared bigoted shit and lampoon the lower orders I bloody well will alright!". His views caused outrage throughout the world with Malcolm X declaring Jar Jar to be a "twat". A planned uprising by the Communist Party of Des Moines was to have taken place in protest at the screening, but they all went home instead as it was raining. Jar Jar has often claimed that his extreme views came from his mother Richard Littlejohn.
In the films he appeared in he was celebrated by both critics and fans as a work of genius whose onscreen presence brought delight to millions. This was unthinkable to the one unnamed person who was not delighted, however, so because he, unfortunately, had mastered time travel, he went back and had Jar Jar raised by black slaves which forcibly had Jar Jar's character and ascent altered into the despised Jim Crowish character we all know today.
According to co-star Ewan McGregor, Jar Jar's offscreen behaviour was eratic and often disturbing. In a recent interview, McGregor revealed that Binks smelt heavily of rotting fruit, habitually sniffed glue, refused to eat anything other than egg drop soup, and, on at least four occasions, huffed hamsters.
Binks was the subject of a recent sex scandal. Behind-the-scenes surveillance tapes show Binks apparently teabagging the Hariibo Bear, followed by rimming the Grinch.
Jar Jar served a brief stint as a Sith Lord known as Darth Meesa from 1976-1979 and is known for killing Jedi Master Uwe Boll and inventing the Slaxe, which he later learned that only Chuck Norris can use.
He eventually retired from this position to be a bobble-head doll, which was advertised as being "the only bobble-head with a three foot long tongue, is completely retarded, and has the dorkiest vocabulary you will ever hear."
At this point Jar Jar's addiction to glue spiraled out of control, threatening the balance of the force. He was checked into the Betty Ford Clinic for substance rehabilitation. It is believed that he may have encountered L. Ron Hubbard, also drying out in the clinic, and converted to Scientology, although Binks himself never publicly acknowledged this.
The GBI (Galactic Bureau of Investigation) eventually tracked Jar Jar down to his home on the mountain and arrested him for killing Har leErl. He was reported as saying "Meesa dont know nothing about no Darth Meesa." He was put on Death Row, but the day before his execution, he was sprung by Bono, who said that he owed Jar Jar a life debt. An entire galaxy mourned.
They eventually became Masters of the Galaxy and shut down the GBI, but eventually Darth Vader returned from a long vacation aboard the Death Star to find Darth Meesa had usurped his throne. Vader confronted Meesa, but was powerless to stop Meesa. Vader resorted to the old "I am a close relative" trick, but Meesa shut him down by using his tongue to press one of the buttons on Vader's chest. Vader screamed a resounding "NOOOOOOOO!!!!" as he fell silent.
Meesa now had a Death Star in his hands. With the power to go anywhere, only one thought crossed his mind: "MEESA GOIN' HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Unfortunately, Jar Jar obliterated Naboo by trying to park the Death Star in Otoh Gunga..... Now Jar Jar has one slogan: "That's BAD bomb in' going back there"
Jar Jar still holds the most annoying creature ever award. He holds the record for longest circumcision in the universe (it lasted 84 years). On an unrelated sidenote, it has been recently discovered that Jar Jar is actually Gerard Way in a parallel universe.
In 2007, in Oprah Winfrey's Cloud City massive chasm of death, Rimram Thurmond revealed the truth: He is Jar Jar's Father-in-Meatz.
On June 22 2009 Jar Jar was selcted to be the new frontman for Velvet Revolver
[edit] Acclaim and controversy
In 1 A.D Jar Jar's beloved dad, Jar Jar Jesus died. Jar Jar Jesus was known as the Meesa-ia
In 2000, Jar Jar was voted Number 1 Gay Icon in modern movie history, under the understandable logic that no woman would want to fuck him. In the same year, he also won awards for "The most annoying CGI creature ever created in the history of the Milky Way" and "The most annoying character ever written for a motion picture in Dimension 66".
On October 14th, 2003 Jar Jar again drew the public's ire for attempting to catch a foul ball in game 6 of the National League Championship Series (Cubs vs. Marlins). After being beaten to within seconds of his life, Jar Jar shit himself and finally made a few people laugh. To this day, the Cubs (and Cub fans) still blame their suckiness on Jar Jar.
In 2007, a Jar Jar Binks fan club was reported to have 70,000 members, but this was later revealed to be fake, as it was only Jar Jar signing his name in 70,000 variations.
In early 2008, one man on public television actually declared "loving Jar-Jar". The entire world was shocked for three days and international economy suffered, leading to stock markets crashing all over the world and is said to be the main cause of the credit card crunch. Further disaster was averted when the man was re-interviewed and actually admitted he was only joking.
[edit] See also
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