From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Japan is the nation that is on the other side of the world, if you live in America. It's that one that isn't China. If you live in China, it's quite close. If you live in Japan, just look out of the window. (See blinkered worldview.) (Japanese translation of this page Japan (in Japanese) available. Japanese is here, English is here. WONDERFUL FUN! BIG CRUNCH TIME? SUPER ELBOWS!)
Tokyo's main exports are anime, Hentai, and Hello Kitty. Also, they make computers and stuff. The Japanese economy has suffered a stock market crash recently due to lousy American dubbing infiltrating their pure product. However, Japan has recently rebounded due to their ability to harness their monsters, and have begun to export other products including Gamera, Godzilla, and imitation Mothra.
Earlier this century, Japan attempted to create the "East Asian Co-Prosperity Sphere" which was to incorporate all of East Asia into a single autonomous state (thus strengthening its borders and increasing economic clout). However, the plan went down in flames, much like Yamamoto's plane over Borneo. The EACS was also neither prosperous, nor a sphere. I certainly didn't feel any wealthier, maybe just a little sexier.
Japan's workforce is also suffering due to a declining birthrate and the export of most manufacturing facilities to places like Malaysia and Newfoundland. It is estimated that by the year 1974, Japan's workforce will consist entirely of newborns or worm-ridden corpses; neither group is thought to possess the skills and technical know-how to continue Japan's reputation as an enlightened technocracy. Researchers project that this will result in the removal of the enlightenment and technology, leaving only debilitating misogyny and sexually deviant porn (see Amsterdam).
Japan is an island composed entirely of ninja. However, it should be noted that these ninjas are mostly dormant and will not flip out and kill people. Mt. Fuji is their base, but has long remained inactive due to the powerful will of the Japanese people, the will that at one time or other was not Chinese.
An island nation, Japan is isolated from its neighbors - Russia, Korea, and Mainland China by the Sea of Japan (also called the Korean Sea by rabid South Korean jingoists like the 2002 Warcraft 3 champion Kim Jong-il). This has caused Japan to form its own unique language, culture, and customs, but only after China became too large to raid every time the ninja were in a bad mood. However, these customs are viewed with disgust and suspicion by its neighbors, as they are freakish, incomprehensible.
Lying on a fault line located on the shell of a huge turtle, Japan is vulnerable to many natural disasters, up to and including earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis, tornadoes, avalanches and capitalism. In addition, because Japan is a nation full of sinners, they are also subject to a bevy of non-fault line related disasters, such as Crustacean Based Monster Attacks, meteorites, and bad dramas. God has also blighted the Japanese populace with reduced height and breast size, as per the Pope's request (the incident arose when former Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi mistakenly ejaculated on the Virgin Mary. See also: Sticky Mary Debacle).
The Japanese populace and government are very focused on preserving its natural resources and environment. The effort to reuse panties, in particular, is admirable and is estimated to cut usage of textiles by nearly 45% the G7 nation average (normalized). The primacy of this initiative is clearly evident in numerous samplings of Japanese media and culture.
All Japanese people are capable of going Super Saiyan and destroying everything in a 1 mile radius. Therefore, in order to keep them distracted, the US government demanded, after WWII, that they spend their time watching anime to quell their rage and put them into a state of eternal bliss. The Japanese are hardy folk, having developed their powers to combat the various monsters that plague the region. See also: Urotsukidoji: Legend of the Overfiend
A typical Japanese diet consists of seaweed, fish, rice, and takusan sake. However, they have taken to western food in an odd way, modifying even the simplest of dishes to be compatible with their unique Japanese physiology (raw, odourous and salty).
For some reason, the Japanese people always come up with new ways to do useless things. The Japanese culture seems to have a limitless number of fetishes. If you can think or dream it up, chances are, it is a popular fetish in Japan. Go ahead, think of one!
Fauna Spotlight: Monsters
The Japanese landscape is littered with various overgrown monsters that are the result of natural springs that produce potent nuclear waste. Godzilla is the most popular of these creatures, capable of reaching heights up to 500 feet tall. However, despite it's reputed gentle nature, it has been known to devour tourists that try to feed it.
Other monsters include Gamera and Mothra and a wide assortment of other rubbery mutants. As stated above, Japan has been able to make use of these creatures with the exception of Mothra, which has been named an endangered species.
The Japanese government consists of 5 members in a governing senate. These members are usually dressed in traditional attire, usually consisting of tights in various colors and a modern helmet with a plastic or metal plate of some sort that covers their face. Record of their history are known as Sentai. One of these is designated their leader, and is usually clad in red, but can vary according to rules of succession. In times of crisis and martial law, they will take part in defending the country. Only the most elite warriors may be assigned this task. They are in control of a one large robot each, capable of fusing with the others to form Megazord (previously Voltron). The leader's robot is usually more powerful, or larger, but that fact usually does not play a role in some of the larger battles. Plans are underway to reduce the governing body to 3 members and rename the robot Gekiganger. Shine on! Mighty justice 5!
Emperors of Japan
- Emperor Nintendo (1304-1897)
- Emperor Mitsubishi (1897-1912)
- Emperor Hirohito (1913-1999)
- Emperor Yon Sama (1999-present)
- Emperess Nevada (future)
Law enforcement & Military
The law enforcement and military of Japan are terribly weak and are incapable of taking down a lame duck let alone various building-sized robots, demons, and mutants. (Quack) This is the principal reason why the Japanese military is known as the Self Defense Force. Therefore what really keeps Japan a relatively peaceful and orderly society is approximately half the building-sized robots, demons, and mutants use their powers for good, not evil. Famous examples include Spiderman and Ayumi Hamasaki.
Japan, as a nation, (according to the CIA) draws more fanboys than any other sovereign national entity. Denizens of other nations, in quite large numbers, are known to wish themselves to be Japanese. This causes them to behave in ridiculous manners, such as "cosplaying," the act of dressing one's self in an ugly, cartoonish costume, the worship of hentai, supposedly "hot" but actually droll cartoon pornography, and the eating of Japan's notoriously tasty candy. Beware of Japanese fanboys, their otaku passion is dangerous, obnoxious, and downright scary.
The history of Japan is rich, and contains samurai as well as ninja. Through paintings, written records, and other such artifacts from yesteryear, historians have been able to piece together what Japanese life may have been like in the past. Amusingly, most of it consists of tentacle porn and bukkake.
Japan has been, until recent years, a largely agriculture driven economy; staple crops include rice, wheat, and schoolgirl panties. Many of these items can be found throughout Japan in vending machines, or can be purchased from one of many poop-eating robots stationed at all subway stops for a knockout price of five yen.
Japan, like any other nation, has entered into a number of conflicts throughout history, the most recent example being World War II, in which it formed an alliance with White Supremecists. Upon the dropping of the atom bomb on two of their cities (Hiroshima and Nagasaki), the Japanese suddenly remembered that they were in fact, pacifists. The Japanese, faced with their crushing loss, retreated to their subterranean lairs to focus on building economy automobiles and tiny consumer electronics. During World War II, with the stolen science of Nazi Germany the Japanese were the first ones to create vaginas with tentacles.
Japanese infastructure has historically been on the cutting-edge - previous centuries saw Japanese utilize roads and wagons long before their use was common throughout the world. The 13th century is particularly noteworthy for the implementation of Mag-Lev Bullet Trains, followed closely by the introduction of Maikurosofuto Intaanetto Ekusupuroura. Note that the language can't accept words without at least 50% vowels, except for n, which counters the nuclear reaction formed by English words introduced into Japanese. See Power of n.
Kyoto is the cultural capital of Japan, mainly because it is not infested with Deer. In fact, deer infestation was the cause of the abandonment of several previous capitals, most notably Heijo-kyo, on the site of modern-day Nara. Osaka is the ancient underwater city of Japan.
A common misconception is that the Haiku form of poetry originated in Japan.
A note for tourists: always select the subtitled version of Japan as it is much more comprehensive than the dubbed version.
"Japan is where Japanese people come from!!" - Oscar Wilde