0 - Nine months from now, Jesus is going to be born
1655 - The secret Yukon War takes place and ends on the same day after no one showed up
1880 - Football is officially renamed soccer at Yale as a joke on Cambridge. A new aversion to America is born
1933 - Adolf Hitler kills his grandmother and takes over as dictator of Germany. Explains that "she was a fucking Jew"
1945 - Hitler's bunker explodes under mysterious circumstances. His grandmother's ghost remains a suspect
2003 - Some guy walks into his wasted buddy's room early in the morning to point out that the clock reads "01/02/03, 04:05:06." He is abruptly beaten with an old Sega Genesis controller, finally giving the C button a use
2015 - Former fourteenth President and model train enthusiast Franklin Pierce rises from the dead to whine, bitch, and moan about no monument being erected for him for keeping the Union whole before "Buchanan fucked it up".