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January 14: Death to Christmas Day (North Korea)
- 30 - John Lennon elected to public office in Palestine with pledge to become bigger than messianic leaders.
- 1610 - Galileo Galilei is forced to change the name of the newly disocovered fourth satellite of Jupiter from Shit to Callisto.
- 1613 - Henry Carver, a resident of London, England, supposedly digs up the granite tablets containing the Ten General Commandments of All Humanity from beneath a cricket pitch near his home on this date. Compies rejoice.
- 1753 - Following intense pressure from "the dirty Scots", the Bank of England replaces the old currency of Scottish maidens to that of pornographic magazines.
- 1911 - Irish Gaelic becomes the official language of Spain. Intense rioting in Catalonia ensures a return to Pig Latin the following day.
- 1945 - Adolf Hitler belatedly makes his 1944 Christmas speech to the German nation. The Allies later herald this delay as a crucial point in winning World War II, as Germans were demoralised by their leader's lack of punctuality.
- 1972 - North Korea announces that it was responsible for the death of Christmas Day in 1965. President Richard Nixon of the United States declares it "a crime against public holidays" during a state visit to his local slave market.
- 1973 - The Grinch retires.
- 1981 - Afghan leaders meet in Kabul to discuss what language to be used in a letter to Moscow asking for a Soviet withdrawal from the country and the return of 45 million tonnes of looted opium. American drug users continue to mount a protest outside the Soviet Embassy in Washington D.C. calling for the return of the opium.
- 2004 - Terrorists attack and destroy goatse.cx, leaving thousands bereaved. George Washington Carver notes it is "a day that will live in infamy."
- 2012 - Kim Jong Il finally murders Santa after searching for him for 19 years.