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January 13: New Year's Eve for Julius Caesar fans who insist on using his calender instead of ours
- 1610 - Galileo Galilei discovers the fourth satellite of Jupiter and names it "Shit".
- 1830 - A devastating fire burns large parts of New Orleans to the ground. Hurricane Katrina helps extinguish the last remaining flames 175 years later
- 1774 - Ireland is violently liberated from Apaches. Heavy drinking ensues
- 1874 - Thomas Edison patents the pneumatic kitten extruder, which gains widespread success in new Chinese markets
- 1942 - Henry Ford gets a patent for his new automobile, which runs efficiently on Jew blood and diesel
- 2002 - President George W. Bush faints after choking on a pretzel, which will be remembered as the defining moment of his presidency. In a completely unrelated move, President Bush signs a bill forcing all pretzel companies to post the notice "DANGER: PRETZELS MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH" on their packages in large red letters.