Jamie Bryson

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Not to be confused with Tintin

Wamie Bwyson (born Séamus Bobby Sands O'Bryson on the 12th of July 1990) is a world-leading human rights activist. Bryson came to prominence following the December 2012 fleg protests and since then has become a leading figure in defending the rights of Protestant Culture in Northern Ireland while trying to obtain equal rights for heterosexuals.

edit Early life

Bryson was born into a loving Roman Catholic family in the working class Falls Road area of West Belfast towards the end of the Troubles. He was the only son of Jim and Geraldine (neé Kelly) O'Bryson. While growing up Jamie was commonly known as "Séamie Óg" or "Young Séamus" and was an admirer of world renowned peace maker, Gerry Adams. According to family, friends and teachers Jamie was a staunch Catholic throughout his childhood years. His mother said that he would always begin and end each day with Five Hail Marys. However a couple years into secondary school seen him become even more devout to his faith. This followed a parent-teacher meeting in November 2004 when his school psychologist talked about the possibility of him being gay. Jamie was deeply upset and began hating homosexuals. His mother became deeply worried and sent Jamie's favourite maternal uncle, Gerry (who Jamie referred to as Jelly). Gerry tried to convince Young Séamus that there was nothing to worry about and that when he would finally hit puberty the girls would be powerless to resist his masculine charm.

Besides being a staunch Roman Catholic, Jamie was also a keen hurler and fan of Irish Republican history. While on holidays in August 2012, Bryson was photographed in a Cypriot pub holding an Irish Republican flag alongside the Greek bartender (who was wearing an FAI jersey) while he posed with his hurdle alongside a Swedish patron.

edit Activist work and political career

Ever since finishing his formal education a whole two years before his GSCE exams, Bryson struggled at finding a job were he would be paid for acting like a dickhead or for sitting about with his thumb up his arse (as a staunch Irish Republican he refused to accept British state benefits). However this long journey came to an end whenever the fleg was taken down by Them'uns and the IRA at Belfast City Hall. As a result of this democratic action a group of endangered species known as spides took to protest and riot. Young Séamus seen this and took advantage of these poor misguided souls. It was at this very moment as well that he would adopt the name Jamie and remove the "O'" from his surname.

While beginning his career as an activist, Jamie was chased by the PSNI for a couple of days. During this course he hid in his friend's attic (where he wrapped himself in fiberglass thus giving himself a rash) and disguised himself as a woman. After he was caught he was brought to Belfast's Central PSNI station/IRA base he initially refused food due to having a large lunch. About fifteen minutes later he would tell the warden that he was going on a hunger strike. A pastor whom Bryson befriended while on the run visited him a couple hours later and slipped him the menu of an Indian restaurant. Bryson ended his hunger after seven long hours so he could dine on a chicken biryani.

While interned in a PSNIRA drunk tank, Jamie befriended Wullie Frazer, a sociopathic long time human rights activist and redneck militiaman from South Armagh. The pair of them would later on become the dynamic duo of Ulster Loyalism.

Bryson tried to run in the 2014 European Elections but failed to reach the funds needed for the £5,000 deposit. Bryson was out funded by Koko the Gorilla and it is also speculated that Bryson used the £165 he raised in order to pay for a holiday in Izmir that July.

Some leading loyalist politicians such as the DUP's Gregory Campbell and the TUV's Jim Allister have ousted him as a republican who along with Willie Frazer is out to destroy loyalism from within. However the fact they believe the loyalist of all loyal loyalists is actually a republican destroys their credibility.

edit Books

Bryson has released three books. His most recent was My Wonly Cwime Was Woyalty which has been described by critics as being Mein Kampf for the learning and intellectually impaired. However his most successful book was Four Men Had a Dram, a homoerotic novella about four men who go to Glasgow in order to have a massive sex orgy in a run down football stadium. Bryson also wrote the First Shade of God, the first part of a fifty part series of homoerotic fan-fictions based on the bible. According to Amazon most buyers of his books were businesses that typically have toilets for customers and/or staff (e.g. eateries, plants and offices). Most reviewers agree that Ayn Rand looks like Oscar Wilde in comparison to Bryson's works.

edit Personal life

Due to his sheer ignorance and Histrionic Personality Disorder, Bryson actually believes he's a loyalist. Bryson also suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder which is fueled via his Twitter page.

Despite claiming to be a born again Christian who often attacks the LGBT community, Bryson has engaged in extramarital sex and is a big fan of the drink. He also has a child out of wedlock.

Although Bryson advocates UKIP and hates everything to do with socialism and left-wing politics he is currently living off the dole and DLA. It should be also noted that he put up a car, which was most likely given to him as part of DLA benefit, for sale.

edit See also

  • Jedward-Another pair of annoying (and otherwise irrelevant) cretins that the rest of Ireland would sooner get rid of
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