James T. Kirk
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Capt. James Tiberius Kirk (born March 22, 2233) is, a...CANADIAN! actor, starship captain, skimmed milk enthusiast, ladies' man, and founder Kirk-jitsu. He was best-known for starring in Star Trek: The Original Series.
edit Early life
Kirk was born in 2233 in Iowa the exact place of birth is unknown to this day, but some fuckers from a small town in Iowa claim it as the "future birthplace of James T. Kirk". Nevertheless Trekkies will have to wait in 2233 for his birth not to happen. In his younger years, he was a prominent time traveler, and went back in time to establish himself as the successful British songwriter known as Jamie T, and, recorded an album, obviously putting minimal effort into any of it judging by the fact he sounded like he'd just had an easy morning at the pub, downing Tequila and Jack Daniel's whiskey and that most of it was done in his bedroom.
He didn't edit it himself but in keeping with his style got some lazy bum to do it for him; who didn't bother to cut out other usually undesirable sounds such as one accidentally recorded threat to maim several children while on their bikes using an automobile. However Kirk's endless viewing of the Star Trek series in between, his skiving/recording sessions seeing himself as an adult in the far future but in command of a ship that looked like crap on the inside because it was designed in a Television Studio about 30 odd years beforehand.
edit Enterprise career
Shatner led a distinguished career at Starfleet Academy, where he beat the Kobiyashi Maru without cheating (much). He was given the nickname "James T. Kirk", and gained notice when he, helped, deliver, a...CARGO OF DRAMATIC PAUSES! to Tangalos IV during the Galactic Comma Shortage of 2259 (ironically caused by Kirk himself), and was soon promoted to the captain of the Starship
Entercorse Enterprise NC-1701, (it was actually the first but the Federation wanted the Klingons to think they had 1700 other starships ready to fuck them up).
During, the voyages of the Enterprise, Captain Kirk battled countless foes including Klingons Romulans Jedi and Sith. He was intended to explore space for a five year mission, but this was cut short three years into the mission when Kirk was promoted to admiral. Nothing interesting happened until 1978 when V'ger attacked but that movie sucked; so it's generally agreed his adventures resumed with the fight against Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!
edit Rule Breaker
Kirk had more violations of the Prime Directive than any other Starfleet captain violating rules against time travel on no less than 94 occasions. He later slingshotted around the sun backwards to travel back in time and rewrite the Prime Directive to permit time travel, but got sidetracked and brought back some whales instead. After the evil alternate universe Kirk traveled in time to re-rewrite the Prime Directive, Kirk again traveled back in time to prevent a time travel incident. However it was a wash: since although he successfully prevented himself from traveling in time decreasing his number of violations he had to time travel to do it, resulting in no net change in Prime Directive violations. Then he fought a floating head who claimed to be God, but everyone knows that movie sucked. There were better Voyager episodes than Star Trek V.
edit Interstellar Space Stud
Kirk's mission in life was to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to blow up computers by talking to them, to boldly bang species no man had banged before. And while he's there some human women too. But mostly green chicks. The tremendous success of kirk's sex life along with unauthorized time travel is the main reason why most alien species are humanoid. Captain Kirk has had sexual relations with more species than any other humanoid in Federation Space with 6969 children spread out across the Alpha and Beta quadrants. However when a DNA census of the sector was completed this number increased substantially. If Kirk is (as widely suspected) the man who fertilized Atalonia the Hive Queen of Talanos III, then he may have as many as 37.9 million children in the Talanosian system alone.
In the process, Captain Kirk became infected with 138 incurable sexually transmitted diseases which were promptly cured by McCoy (despite being incurable) by the end of the episode so they could return to the status quo. The only exception was Terminal Comma Overuse Disease, also known as William Shatner Syndrome, and those nasty things that get in your ear from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! (That scene was probably the reason that movie is awesome). As such, he poses a galaxy wide health threat. Fortunately Kirk was able to bring an infection of Bajoran pubic lice under control(Bajoran pubic lice being sentient, orange, and purple six limbed saber toothed creatures which grow to the size of a brown, bear); although he briefly lost control of the Enterprise to the creatures until Dr. McCoy was able to supply him with the special shampoo. As a result of these cosmic dalliances the Borg were somewhat, hesitant to assimilate him because "When you assimilate someone you're assimilating everyone they've ever slept with." The threat Kirk posed to the Borg was the reason the Federation remained safe from them until the 23rd century until Picard's era because they knew there would be no chance of Picard having an STD. Or even sexual thoughts for that matter.
edit The Tribble Incident
With Kirk spending the entire ship's bankroll on Orion pole dancers, the Enterprise crew ran out of money to buy the bare essentials for the latter half of the five or six year mission. Until one day, he found a small furry creature called a Tribble shoved between his buttocks while taking his morning dump. Since Tribbles can breed on their own, he stocked the galley with the little buggers. Soon enough they were living off "Tribble, Flambé" and "Tribble Scotch" and watching "Tribble Cockfighting".
This was all going well until one of them bit Wesley, Crusher while he was trying to wipe with it (despite the fact that Tribbles don't have mouths. Or any other facial features or limbs, for that matter). He got rabies and was ejected into space with the rest of the Tribbles. Funny thing was Wesley Crusher wasn't born yet and was never on Kirk's crew. Ever. He was on Picard's. Though Crusher is so annoying he spreads through time and space and brothels.
edit Spock's Death
During a very moving and poignant funeral, Kirk decided to say a few words and several commas, which is usually a big mistake. Near the end with Scotty's bagpipes Kirk has yet another "fuck the English language up" moment. Or a stroke; I can't tell which. Anyhow, in the heat of the climax instead of saying the word "human" he actually says "pointy eared knob jockey" but then realizes that the tranquillizers have worn off and tries to save the day by saying "mumam". McCoy looks on as if he's ready for the torpedo tube too or a blowjob. Again, I cant tell which.
edit James T. Kirk in the Alternate Reality
A Romulan Crapship from the future attacks the U.S.S. Kelvin. The use of F-Bombs in the attack cause his mother to have an orgasm, and hence triggered the premature birth of James on a shuttlecraft. This, along with all that other x-wave exposure triggered his profound retardation in the new Star Trek movies. Doctor McCoy brings kirk to witness awesomness of the Enterprise due to kirk begging for attention. Kirk realizes that the shit Vulcan is experiencing is what happened to the Kelvin, and promptly convinces Captain Pike that it is an attack, much to the dismay of his peers. They arrive realizing the entire fleet is destroyed, and finds the Narada banging Vulcan's ass with its 10300 mile-long Drill. Despite sabotage from kirk and co, the Narada has its orgasm, causing vulcan to be sucked into the ass hole of space-time. Killing 675750303 Vulcans with the planet.
edit Alongside Shakespearean actors; Death in a girdle
Then he was in a good movie where he killed a Klingon who quoted Hamlet. Kirk was tragically killed in a really bad movie where the only notable thing in it was that he died. Seriously, there are like fifty thousand Trekkie's with better ideas they'd have given freely to Paramount yet they do a crappy pseudo time travel divide by zero thing where Kirk proves he is better than Picard and gets killed by some stupid British guy. What the hell where they thinking? I mean getting crushed by a bridge? He should have died for a reason apart from saving a small planet of weirdos we didn't even see. All his death did was legitimatize TNG's existence but seriously, it was already established as its own show by the time the movie came out.
(And while we're at it, could I deny the rumors that I was exiting the main sequence and swelling, into a, supergiant?)
Even after death Kirk has provoked the greatest argument in human history since Coke v/s Pepsi: Kirk v/s,Picard(Actually Kirk v/s Picard is only the third greatest argument. The first is Ninjas v/s Pirates followed by To Be v/s Not To Be. The forth and fifth are Yes v/s No and God v/s the Large Hadron Collider.) Everyone knows Kirk's better; though Worf was pretty cool too. Geordi has the best ass of all though. And he doesn't have to use the crappy paper glasses that the theater gives out when he goes to a 3D movie 'cause he's got his own.
In an alternate non canon universe written by William Shatner, Kirk is brought back as a zombie by Romulans to kill Picard (instead of using, you know, a phaser or something), but he out-wills the entire Borg Collective and beats up Worf. He ends up in a Borg dumpster before finding his way back. I swear I didn't make that up. Why do the Borg still use dumpsters?
Although not actually an official ninja, Captain Kirk is known across Federation Space for his mad skills in the art of hitting things with your fist. His unique fighting style can best be described as a combination of Jack Bauer and Adam West; although it is far better described as the badass art of kirk-jitsu. He is also an honorary member of The Ninja Pirate Assembly of God.
Captain Kirk Is highly allergic to bridges. When he comes into contact with a bridge, it could result in his death.
edit See Also
- Star Trek
- William Shatner
- King of Canada
- Khan Noonien Singh
- Prime Directive
- The United Federation of Planets
- Star Trek: Series Guide
- Shatkins diet
edit Do Not See Also
|Captain"People named "|
America - Atheist - Autofellatio - Beefheart - Bligh - Britain - Canada - Caveman - Communist - Hook - Irrelevant - Jack Harkness - Janeway - Kaptainskye - Kirk - Knuckles - Marvel - Morgan - Oblivious - Obvious - Omnipotent - Planet - Selfish - Sisko - Slow - Video