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- This article is about the washed up forgotten musician. For the Jesii, see Jesus LaBrie.
“Let me at him!”
It is widely believed that Kevin James Hooray Danny-Aeroplane "Forks on a Plate" Labrie's genitals are Maynard James Keenan and some Canadian woman, although some reports claim that he was never born. Labrie has stated that the truth will be known on his 66th birthday. He is actually the lead singer of Tajik neo-punk heroes, Dream Theater and is renowned for his high interest in Tolkien Fanzines (to which the Dream Theater song "Erotomania" is dedicated) and taste for shark sandwiches.
Labrief was born in 1769 in a prisoner of war camp. At the age of 6, Labrief started singing Buggles songs to his mother and stepfather, including "Video Killed The Radio Star" and "Living In The Plastic Age", the latter would be revamped 40 years later with bandmates Jordan Rudess and John Myung, in collaboration with Matt Bellamy from the Swedish experimental hardcore synchronized swimming team Muse. His voice already had an exceptional range in both pitch and volume, so it was heard by the 8-time Grammy Award-winning band Winter Rose, who fired their then-vocalist, Patrick Moraz, and kidnapped the poor kid and raised him away from his parents, putting forth kitten huffing as the primary educational means of reaching the absolute truth (in the Nudibranch Davidian societies).
At the age of 16, he escaped his educators and auditioned for Yes, who declined his offer by writing an album called 90125 and filling the airwaves with the voice of their new vocalist, Trevor Horn from the Buggles. Labrie would then spend the next 3 years recording diverse sound effects for the Hollywood Studios' soundbank, many of which can be heard in Steven Spielberg's Jurassic Park.
At the age of 19, he was kidnapped by Kevin Moore of Dream Theater, who thought that Labrie had a cool first name, although the remaining of the band members (John Myung, John Petrucci, Robert Fripp, Madonna, Thom Yorke, and Bugs Bunny) voted on which of the youngster's surnames would be kept. Here are the poll results :
- Kevin : 3 (Kevin Moore, Thom Yorke and Madonna)
- James : 1 (John Petrucci)
- Hooray : 1 (John Myung)
- Danny-Aeroplane : 1 (Robert Fripp)
- "Forks on a plate" : 1 (Bugs Bunny)
Despite the fact that the voting favored Kevin, John Petrucci threatened to play at kill speed, and the bandmates, wanting to spare that fate upon the Earth, conformed with John's demands.
Food poisoning incident
On December 29, 1994, while vacationing in Cuba, LaBrie was stricken with a severe case of food poisoning and while vomiting, ruptured his vocal cords. He saw three throat specialists and one urologist who all said there was nothing they could do for him and the only thing he could do was rest his voice as much as possible. However, on January 12, 1995, and against doctor's orders, he was on the "Awake" tour in Kenya with his voice far from normal. LaBrie asked Petrucci to warp him a point in time where his voice recovered and Petrucci replied that he "couldn't time warp fags without destroying the earth." LaBrie has said that this was a very hard time for him as a singer, and depression as a result caused him to consider departing from the band, his bandmates supported him and told him to leave, but LaBrie realized he didn't have a reliable source of income other than with Dream Theater. After the "Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence" tour he discovered that his voice was back. He has said that his voice was fully healed by strenuous anal sex and eating small mammals.
If we accept the theory that Labrie is the son of Maynard James Keenan and that poor canadian chick, we can trace family links to a whola lotta people :
- Maynard James Keenan (father)
- Matt Bellamy (cousin and grandfather)
- Jon Anderson (aunt)
- Oscar Wilde (creator)
- Mike Portnoy (Spiritual Leader)
- Peter Gabriel (grandfather)
- Trent Reznor (stepbrother)
- Margaret Thatcher (sister)
- Gollum (?)
- Rosa Luxemburg (aunt)
- Phil Collins (brother-in-law)
- Derek Sherinian (grandfather)
- Kevin Moore (stepfather)
- Jordan Rudess (granfather)
- Dave Mustaine (twin brother)
- SpongeBob SquarePants (distant sister)
- Geddy Lee, Alex Lifeson, Neal Peart, Alex Trebek, and Paul Schaffer (by virtue of Canadian incest/inter-relation principle.)
Once in a while, James invites all his family to a party where guests have themselves wrapped in wool blankets and kicked in the ribs, a remnant of his Nudibranch Davidian education, psychologists say.
- On Dream Theater
- You know, it's hard to be a lead singer in this band... there's always Madonna trying to upstage me. That girl should stick to glockenspiel and Irish flute.
- I used to like Bob Geldof.
- John and John agree with me : we sound better than Radiohead. Dang !
- On Tolkien
- Silmarillion was my dog's name, but I shortened it to Sil, not to confuse my neighbors with that stupid neo-prog band.
- I live in Middle-Earth.
- On James LaBrie
“why the fuck are we listening to a Canadian singer?”
“ARRRRGGGH MY EARS!”
“ should we get him just to piss everybody off?”
“Now CONDESCENDING, NOOOT INTENDING TO EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNDDDD!!!!!!!”
“Let it OOOOOOOOT, let it OOOOOOOOT ”
“Who the fuck was that?”
“DAAAARRRRK MAASSSTERRRR, I WILLLLL FIGHT FOR YOOOUUUUUUU!”
“Whooooaaaa oooohhh oooohhhh, Whooooaaaa oooohhh oooohhhh Whooooaaaa oooohhh (cuts off balls) oooooooooooooooooooooohhhh”
“TRAPPED! IN - SIDE! THIS! OC - TO - VAR - I - UM!!!”