James Joyce
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“What? I drink, I fall down, no problem.”
~ James Joyce
“What do you mean? My book's just as long!”
~ Thomas Mann on James Joyce
riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, once upon a time, and a very good time it was, there was an Irish author and poet named James Joyce, who while extremely drunk, accidentally staggered into a particle accelerator laboratory and acquired temporary super-intelligence from near-lethal radiation exposure. Within minutes, he managed to scrawl an astoundingly incoherent mess of horrible prose on a handy paper napkin, just before falling into a catatonic state and collapsing in a pool of his own filth. Joyce renamed this gibberish "stream of consciousness" (after the stream running down his trouser leg) and immediately patented it. He later sued Virginia Woolf for encroaching onto his unique style of drivel.
The resulting novel, Scrawlings of The Artist as a Young Drunk, is widely considered to be his greatest work; his later novels, such as Youwussies, Dude, What is Art?, The Dubbleglubbglrrrglebwhiners, and Betrayed: How Liberals Are Drinking Our Whiskey and Screwing Our Transgendered Whores and Making Us Pay For It All By Terrorizing Defenseless Rich People With the Threat of Slightly Flying Sock Puppets, (the latter co-written with the crack-addict Whitney Houston), were far less well-received. It is, however, now known that Joyce found out the secrets of the universe, and hid them again as a book called Finnegans Snake.
Contents |
[edit] Career Achievements
In 1938, Joyce produced what many consider the most impossible-to-read novel of all time, Finnegans Shakes. The story, which takes place in a single trip to the bathroom, recounts the "hilarious" hijinks of a group of fraternity brothers who, as a Reality-TV prank, sell an entire table of baked goods made with laxatives instead of flour and sugar. By some estimates, as many as five copies of the 10,452-page book were sold. None of the copies were read.
After his writing career unsurprisingly led nowhere, Joyce embarked on a new business venture and quickly made a massive fortune selling used trucks. With dealerships located throughout the southeastern United States, Joyce soon controlled nearly 35 percent of the US used-truck market. Using his vast new-found wealth, Joyce purchased a controlling interest in Halliburton Corporation, which he still controls to this day. He also bought a great deal of alcohol, which he then proceeded to drink and write a lengthly novel about.
Unknown to many, Joyce self authored the entry on himself on Wikipedia. He changed words like forgettableimportant to important, and incoherentclassic to classic. Joyce, via Wikipedia has succeeded in convincing gratification seeking teenagers that his books are worth reading and quoting in order to appear intellectual, and therefore seduce members of the opposite sex. James Joyce liked sex a lot, especially with ugly women. He also liked to touch women's boobies.
Joyce's most celebrated works were the novel Ulysses and its sequel Ulysses 31, later adapted for television as an animated series starring Justin Lee Collins. It is rumoured that volumes 2–30 were written but their whereabouts remain a mystery.
However, Joyce's most commercially-successful works were the volumes of really soppy, romantic love letters to his civil partner, a transvestite pirate named Norbert Barnacle. The first sentence gives you an idea of Joyce's trite ramblings:
- My love for you allows me to pray to the spirit of eternal beauty and tenderness mirrored in your eyes or fling you down under me on that softy belly of yours and fuck you up behind, like a hog riding a sow, glorying in the very stink and sweat that rises from your arse, glorying in the open shape of your upturned dress and white girlish drawers and in the confusion of your flushed cheeks and tangled hair.
It only gets more emotional and hyperbolic from there, but this ensured it sold well with the sorts of people who bought "A Child Called It". Since nobody reads books any more, Joyce posted the letters online in the form of a blog.
[edit] Conclusion
For in truly reality James was a nicens boy with tall shoe neckware, not to be in quotas maximas, non opus veritas, magnum schahnuouudle, as it were, pro netrium foetus. So with a naragle felbstrung stepped out of his boozedrink and thus. Also, Indian editorial control, JIEMUSUJIYOISU]BomsenHestes author : date entry, although in other words: Tube printed style of writing [jiemusujiyoisu], Bomsen Hestes authors… The date entered all.
| I bumped my arse, Tooley declahred. |
| Well, bellowed Flanagan, there's six in it for you 'n me. |
In nominus patram post opium rectus breakfast tonight did non another with a whagon trail bent another Guinness, boys, and on whent pfartrand. Nor can we leave untouched the farly words with hands of brentword truckard. But a lowly hangnail eddis day with a in nomine patri with a shriveling batter nail Alleluia was the pppfffffffrrooaouaooauoaummmelulutlue-lueaualphaborphaknoptkoptfoptpoptbourflingnangleabberdashterday pleasures of th' body.
and there he was I was yes coming from there yes and O the sky yes and yes the sea was wavering yes I was wavering yes and he was wavering yes with excitement and then I asked him yes would he most graciously yes piss off yes and he said yes I will yes my darling yes and the stars and yes the streetlights yes they were all yes looking down yes at me yes and yes I told them yes to piss off yes and they did yes and I am all yes alone now yes and yes and he asked would i and i said yes i will yes.
- Dublin 1904
- Trieste 1914
- Dublin again 1912
- Madrid -20000 BCE
- Zurich XIV 3064
[edit] Fun Facts
- James Joyce's real name was Germs Choice.
- His mother's first and second names were both Joyce, making her Joyce Joyce.
- Joyce enjoyed sleeping with your devil mask. It was all he wanted to do, and when he stopped it meant he was through with you.
- Joyce enjoyed visiting strip clubs, but preferred strip malls, or when in West Virginia, strip mines.
- James Joyce is already dead.
- Stephen Dedalus' father had a hairy face.
- James Joyce is not related to Dr. Joyce Brothers.
- Finnegans Shakes is a book about of the drinking habits of Finns.
- James Joyce is plastered around U.C.D. Dublin because he's the only graduate (even though he didn't graduate) worthy of mention.
[edit] Depressing Facts
- When you wet the bed, first it is warm then it gets cold.
- We will all eventually die, especially you.
- After death, most of us will not be as well-remembered as James Joyce, except me.
- There doesn't seem to be anything we can do about this.
- All is lost despite the cost.
- James Joyce is not made of cheese, except some stilton.
- If it is not used, it is truly lost.
- The universe is expanding, tearing itself apart and consuming itself from the inside.
[edit] Just The Facts, Ma'am
- How fast were you driving?
- I guess I could just give you a warning, if...
- Ooh! Ooh! I like it like that! OMIGOD! OMIGOD!
- By the way, have you read any James Joyce? I think you'd like him.
See also...
